Thursday, 17 May 2007

Developing 25 - Wednesday is weigh in day!

After a difficult week, I was relieved to get to my weigh in and, perversely, was hoping for a poor loss! I didn't want to "get away with" my snacking days and have that in my head for the future. I wanted to have concrete proof that it had affected my loss and be able to use that proof to reinforce my determination to stick more closely to the plan.

So, I'm pleased with a 2lb loss. It's not so bad that it makes me feel miserable but nor can I deny that it is lower than my usual loss of 4 or 5lbs and that my actions have affected my loss. So, hooray for 2lbs off. Only 38 to go!!

I feel much better now and have re-focussed on my goals. I have actually completed a Thought Record about my snacking a la Mrs of Lard Arms fame! I will type this out as a separate post. It was a revelation - I can't believe I haven't given proper house room to this incredibly useful tool, merely paid lipservice to it. As I typed, more thoughts and ideas came pulsing out and my eventual conclusions were far away from what I thought they would be. Just shows that I have been guilty of a bit of arrogance in thinking that I already knew it all and that you can, after all, teach old dogs new tricks (although I wouldn't try it with Shelagh...!).

In class we did an exercise regarding our core beliefs:

We were asked what female figure we admired as child and why. I said Sophia Loren (she's still a favourite of mine) as she had struggled through adversity and become a very human and glamourous woman, not a fake bimbo type.

Next up, what messages we had learned from imortant male figures in our childhood? This was tricky but I think that I learned the importance of education from my father and also the desire for security. I think this is why I have always been a little scared of being in business and chose a so-called "safe" profession in the law. He always encouraged me to aim high but at the back was not brave about sales or enterprise and influenced me towards a safe profession.

Dad also, without being critical, always let me know that he would prefer me to be slim. His love has never been conditional or anything and I'm very much a Daddy's girl, but I suspect that I have tried to please him and to live up to his expectations of me in quite a childlike manner.

Finally, we talked about what messages we received about being a woman from an important woman in our lives. I learned about being a good provider and hostess from my mother; how food and cooking create a home and equate to love!! I also learned, more positively I think, that it's ok to be different from the crowd and that risking embarassment is not the worst thing in the world.

Mum is a bit of a freethinker whereas Dad is much more conservative. Strange then that I should marry my Dad and turn into my mother (Freud - you were right mate!).

The idea is that we should go on to address our core beliefs, which we often lug around with us without critical thought and make sure that we really do agree with them. We should check whether any of them are damaging to our desire for a slim and healthy life.

So, what conclusions can I draw?

1. I should take the positivity I learned from Dad and the great education and brain I've got but ditch the fear of not having security. It is ok to not necessarily have a defined career path. Moving to France will be a risk but it's worth taking and if I rely on my own and D's abilities, there's no reason why we can't suceed out there.

2. While I will always love entertaining and cooking and providing food for those I love, I mustn't use that as an excuse to eat and drink more than I need. It can be done in moderation and healthily. People will enjoy your company without being plied with fatty food and drink. They don't expect to get stuff off me - I am enough sometimes!!

3. It is important to me to retain my eccentricity/freespirithood but I need to recognise that I chose a conservative man for a reason. A lot of our clashes have been over his desire for everything to be "normal" - euugh, how I hate that word! - and my willingness to be different. But at heart, I wasn't willing to be different in my weight was I? Being fat upset me a lot so I must have a conservative core as well. So, don't always rush in with the headstrong desire to do things your way Les - sometimes, think about it first - maybe the "normal" way might be ok or even make you happier?? (I'm, not saying that I'm going to be giving in to D on everything though and turning into a proper little wifie - I don't think he'd want that whatever he says!!)

This has turned into quite an exploration and there seems to be some more issues about me and D to go through too. I'll leave those for a later date though - well, I'm not a procrastinator for nothing you know!!

Have a good day diet-fiends and thanks for bearing with me through the navel gazing!!


Vicky said...

Hi Lesley

I've never written to you before, although I've been reading your diary. I started LL a few days ago, I'm on my 3rd week now and trying to keep it up! I am amazed at your progress and how wonderful you look now!! I should also say that I LOVE your dog (sorry I can't remember the name...), he reminds me of my own dog - Scarlet - a beautiful tri-coloured cocker spaniel! I miss her very much, had to 'give her up' after my divorce (she lives in Greece with my ex-inlaws now).

I am studying psychology and your comments today really talked to me! Just to say a big 'congrats' for digging deep inside you and realising all these imporant things.

I wish you all the success in the world and will keep reading your diary with great interest.


Ameythist said...

Wow Lesley - how deep is that! I will keep reading your blog and forget my green book :-)
Well done on your loss better off than on xx

chrismars said...

Blimey! You wore me out just reading that lot. I'd be too scared I think to navel gaze so closely.

You made me miss my Dad (he died 5 years ago and it's still raw after all this time).

keep it up, Friend

Chris x

SoonBeSlim... It's True! said...

Wow, you have done some serious thinking and it seems either laid to rest or accepted some of the things that have made you who you are.

I think I understand what you mean about that conflict (sometimes) between wanting to be YOU (whatever that may be), and CONFORMING. This is despite the latter being just want you want at differing periods of your life. I too married stability after leaving behind other less reliable types!

Keep us posted on this emerging set of thoughts.

Sam xx

ps, well done on weight off and stop the nibles. Not long to go now!

katelle said...

Wow Lesley..How deep??? As always your blog is very interesting. I can identify totally with your relationship with your parents, it sounds very similar to mine. I too am a bit of a daddys girl at the age of 39! My dad is very conservative whereas my mum rarely holds back!

Well done again on the weight loss!!

Karen x

Cath said...

Now that's a thought provoking post. We didn't do thought records in our group and if we did I blinked and missed it so I don't know what I'm missing with this one.

You keep on being you - you don't have to be the typical 'wifie' - he married you for you and loves you for you ... and he wouldn't be happy with anything else.