Sunday, 13 May 2007

Developing 22 - Rainy Sunday

Up early to finish my french homework and then off to Matlock for my class. I felt really sorry for my tutor as she told me that her final chance at IVF had not suceeded. She has one child (through IVF) so I suppose it's not the worst thing in the world but the effort they have put into it and the financial commitment must make it very hard for them to come out of it all with nothing. She said she was just relieved to know and to be clear that that is that. They can concentrate on what they have and enjoy life now.

Very admirable. Look at the good in your life and make the most of it.

Horrible rainy afternoon so D and I ended up cleaning and doing chores all day. I suppose that is why we both seem to have been a ratty moods all afternoon too. Nipping at each others' heads and being generally grumpy. Weird when we'd had such a fantastic evening yesterday!.

Anyway, it was much happier this evening when I joined him the local for a quiet drink. I didn't stay out (hence the post now) but we were much cheerier.

Trouble is - I have experienced a relapse to self-destructive behaviour. Have nibbled quite a bit this afternoon/evening. I have been feeling very hungry and wanted to eat a lot this afternoon. But I know it was not real hunger - definitely of the emotional variety. And, I've given in to it. In the full knowledge of what it was!!

Why?? Why do it when you're so close and doing so well? Must be the demon crooked thinking - reward myself for doing well and looking good at the Rugby Club Dinner; it won't hurt, I'll keep losing; D's being a pain; its rainy; I'm cleaning the bathroom. All the nasty excuses came tumbling out and I gave in to them.

So, what did I eat? A few mouthfuls of D's mash. A couple of mouthfuls of meat (D's roast lamb). A handful of sultanas and an inch of french bread. Not exactly a wild binge or anything but it was the thought process that has pissed me off. It was the fact that I wasn't having a good time and I turned to food, knowing what I was doing and I still went on with it.

Not good enough.

So - I will turn it around tonight and tomorrow and make sure to have a good few days. I'm also going to do a thought record about this incident to see if I can make more sense of it and try and work out what to do differently next time (for a next time there will surely be).

I also wonder if the fact that my scales are out of batteries and I'm therefore not currently accountable to the home scales is also a factor. I think it may be - I won't be able to see the damage caused (if any) tomorrow morning on the scales and that may have loosened the mental reins. Hey ho. Not beating myself up or anything drastic but need to get it sorted.

How can I be so positive and even think of extending my goals and decreasing my target weight one day and then be eating extra mouthfuls purely for the sake of it the next? It's a rollercoaster ride this food business...


Aimeerebecca said...

Hi Lesley
I can totally sympathise with how your feeling, emotional eating has always been my biggest downfall in the past. Yesterday I wanted food so badly. I was THAT close to getting chips I was stood outside the chippy with the money in my hand!And it was all because of how miserable I felt, I wasnt really hungry. At least now we can see where we go wrong and you only had a few mouthfuls so i'm sure you'll still lose weight this week :) x

chrismars said...

I feel for your French teacher and her husband. John and I have been there. Lizzie was our third attempt at IVF so that meant 2 failures before that. I had the implant on 3rd December 1993 and would know the result on 20th December. In my mind, 1994 was going to be a turning point in our lives, I was either going to be pregnant and EVERYTHING would change, OR, I wasn't and we would take a different path. No more IVF, no more treatments at all - end of the road. But what happened is now history and the outcome is upstairs sound asleep!!

So, you've eaten. Did you enjoy it at the time? If you did, well accept that, and get back on the straight and narrow. If you didn't, well as you say, you need to work out that thought record - and learn from it.

Hope you feel better tomorrow, my dear.

Chris x

Wendy said...

Sorry I've not posted on your blog for a while, but I have to say, you looked fab all done up for your rugby do - absolutely stunning!

I had a bad week last week so how about we both have a good week this time? The fact that you've lost 6 stone is bloody fantastic and very inspiring. Maybe the awful weather doesn't help us, just as we were getting used to the warm sunny days of late.

As always, Chris has excellent advice about the food - listen to the wise lady ;o)

Wendy x