Firewirks over Sydney Opera House

Firewirks over Sydney Opera House

Wednesday, 31 January 2007

Day 20 -81

Can't believe how fast this is going. 20 days already. I think the blog and the new activities (swimming and knitting and home office stuff) are helping. I really do feel like I'm growing up at last. That's probably a bit of an exaggeration but it ties in with the TA stuff from the last class - I'm now much more willing to forego fun stuff and take on jobs which have to be done.

Busy day at the office as I'm off for the next 3 days. The work is really piling up and my role has expanded considerably since I started in September 2005. I think that is also a measure of the fact that I'm taking on more responsibility and am willing to face aspects of my life which I previously shied away from. Long may it continue.

Went swimming at lunchtime. I managed 44 lengths with no trouble and will continue to increase that 'til I get to 60.

Right, I'm being dragged into pieces at work at the moment - everyone wants my time - so I had better get back to it!

Day 19 -82

Quiet day yesterday. Should have done more chores at home in the evenig but got a bit lazy. Oh well, not too bad.

I did spend an hour or so in the kitchen preparing a large lasagne for when my brother and his family arrive tomorrow. I'll be going out to my class leaving them at home for supper so I needed something easy to cook and prepare etc. It was a bit of a nightmare grating cheese and cooking up bolognese without tasting and I admit that a couple of tiny specks of cheese did make their way into my mouth. I was pretty good though and didn't mind the cooking funnily enough.

Still, I'm pleased that I haven't been tempted to cheat properly so the day was positive overall.

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

Letter to Myself

Dear Lesley

I suppose you're wondering why you can't eat any food apart from shakes, soups and bars or drink anything but water, black tea or coffee and those strange Savoury Drinks which have appeared recently? Well, you probably also know that it's because you need to lose weight; that being overweight has blighted your life and that now it's time to deal with it once and for all.

How many of your memories from your childhood, youth and adulthood are tainted by the fact that you were fatter than your peers? Even when you weren't particularly heavy, you were generally heavier than the people around you.

You learned ways of disguising the fact: you dressed well for your size; you were lively and chatty, outrageous even; you were fit and adventurous. You never felt like you made the grade 100%. Only very occasionally did you ever feel totally accepted or totally worthy.

How has this shown in you? Well, you're needy for affection; you have been sexually promiscuous and although you're outwardly confident it has taken a long time for you to learn to stick up for your own opinions and not fall in with the crowd. Conversely, you're overly dependent upon yourself - it's as if you don't quite believe anyone would want to know the real you so you don't let them in far enough to do so. Much of this stems from your weight.

On the plus side, you're not unnattractive; you have the basis of a strong and healthy physique and lifestyle; you're confident, sucessful in your professional life and have many good friends and a loving husband and family. So many blessings, of which you are well aware. How much more would you be able to take from these blessings if you were slim and fit? That's what you need to ask yourself. How good could it be?

Fantastic, that's how good. So, stick this out and give 100% to the challenge. When it hurts, suck it up and think about the payoff. Diarmuid did it when he gave up smoking so you can do it too. If you fall, pick yourself up and get back to it. And really listen to what is being said so you can learn how not to go back to being the person you have been. Let the new "adult" you come to the fore and start to live.

Good luck Lesley and I hope I see a lot less of you in the future!

Lesley xx

Monday, 29 January 2007

Day 18 -83

Well, not a bad Monday. I'm back to drinking plenty which is good and had a meeting and didn't feel too deprived only having black tea.

Left early after the meeting and managed to fit a good long walk in with the dog, slogging across muddy fields which was good and now I'm hard at work wading through paperwork which should have been dealt with months ago. Grrr. Still, the energy levels are pretty high so that's helping.

I was feeling very hungry earlier this evening but had a savoury drink and managed to distract myself from the hunger and get up here to work.

So, positive stuff even if it is a bit boring. I'm not going to let the paperwork get this out of hand ever again - I hate it!

Day 17 -84

Sunday was similarly uneventful. We did the photo frame together and Dad hung it and it looks really good. Then to the pub for lunch - well, they ate and I drank my water as usual. not too bad.

Went for a bracing walk along the Edge and met up with Jenny's dad and Astrid and had a good chat with them. He's in a bad way - has really aged since I saw him last.

Dave invited me to jon the pub quiz team so I was off to the Robin Hood in Baslow as soon as I got home. It was a bit of a truiumph, we beat them handily which is, apparently, a good thing as they are top of the league and we're at the bottom. Another night watching people eat though as they brought out sandwiches and chips after the quiz and I'm still on water! Still, I'm getting used to it and the temptation isn't really there to cheat so that's good news.

I can tell from the tone of my last 2 posts that real life is setting in: the excitement of the regime has gone and the realisation that this is it for the next few months. It's no bad thing but a bit tiring.

Day 16 -85

I didn't have chance to post on Saturday or Sunday as I was at my parents so I'll catch up now.

I got up early on Saturday and managed to get out of the door for Mum and Dad's before 10 which is pretty much a record for me. Must be the famed energy levels kicking in. My parents were suitably impressed by the weightloss and the speed of it and Dad expecially was incredibly supportive. Mum was really hopeful that it works out for me too.

Mum is currently very overweight and suffering from it so I was hoping that she might be interested enough in the diet to want to start. That was a vain hope I'm afraid. I broached the subject and we had a very blunt (but loving and non-confrontational) conversation but she basically said point blank that she would not got go any class even if it was one-on-one. She wouldn't say why but she's incredibly stubborn so that is that. I did get across to her that her health is suffering and that she would have more energy and be more active if she lost weight and I think the seed has been planted though. She said she would start on Slimming World (at home)and get back to some gentle exercise too. I don't know why she has such a hangup about the class thing - must be an older generation/stiff upper lip thing

I hope she does as Dad is suffering from their inactive lifestyle. He won't do stuff without her though. Catch 22. We went out for a walk though and he seemed alright.

Anyway, a quiet night in chatting to Mum, watching the final of Strictly Come Dancing at long last which was a laugh and an early night- nice to be home.

Friday, 26 January 2007

Day 15 -86 - Working from home

I've had a good day today. After yesterday's weigh in I feel really positive. I'm not even worried by the blood pressure thing as I have plan and I'm sure it'll be fine.

I've been working from home today as I had to go to the nurse mid morning so there's not much point in slogging over to Rotherham for half a day. I worked quite hard this morning and then spent most of the afternoon sorting out emails and stuff.

At lunchtime, Sammy came over and got my car unstuck - takes a bloke and all that! I'll never live it down. Then we went for a walk on Bamford Edge. it's not the only place I go, by the way, but it's so lovely up there and, with the snow on the ground, it was gorgeous. As you can see from the photos above.

Day 14 - Weigh in time!

Went to Penistone last night for the big weigh in. I thought I was going lose about 4lbs but I was very pleasantly surprised to have lost 6lbs! So that's a stone and a half in 2 weeks! I'm stunned and can really feel the difference. I'm already in some clothes that I couldn't fit into a fortnight ago. It feels great and all my frustration from earlier this week has washed away.

I think the exercise is going to be vital in keeping the pressure on and also in making it easier for me once I come off the diet. I'm feeling some steely resolve at the moment and nothing else seems to matter. having said that, I've just been to the nurse and had my blood presure taken and it's high. not as high as the personal trainer found but still high (160/98). We don't think it's anything to worry abou, given that I've never had a high reading before but will be keeping an eye on it. We've decided I should give training a miss until I have seen the doctor and discussed it with him. That will be in a fortnight. Grr. In the meantime, I'm going to keep up with the swimming and walking.

The meeting last night was quite interesting. They introduced us to the idea of Transactional Analysis. This seems to be all about working out your state of mind before you make any decisions. There's the Adult influence - which is all stuff from your childhood - "eat up all your food and be good" "food equals love" etc. Then there's your inner Child who either wants approval and aquiesces to everything or attention and rebels against everything. I think I fall into the approval/aquiescence camp. Finally, there's the Adult. That's the sensible person who makes rational adult decisions. I hope to be in touch with her sometime soon! Actually I can ocasionally feel her presence, more so in the last few weeks and months, so maybe I'm finally growing up!

Another thing we have to do is write a letter to ourselves explaining why we're doing this. I'm looking forward to doing that actually. I'll post it of course. On that topic, one of the women there said that she had put stickers up round the house with goals and aims - like going to a ball and wearing x or going on holiday and wearing a bikini. That also sounded like a good idea. So I'll have a think about those aims.

I certainly have enough social occasions coming up in the next few weeks. Shelley and Martin's wedding; the weekend in London and Nicola's Rowing Club Ball; Graham and the family coming over; the weekend in Leeds. It's all a nightmare but I'm sure I'll get through it and be slim for the summer and our holiday in Canada. So, I must stay strong.

Thursday, 25 January 2007

Day 14 -87

Well, not a bad day today. I was pretty virtuous last night - went to training and worked hard then came back and carried on with my knitting quest. I sound like an old lady! She's still worried about my blood pressure and that worry is beginning to transmit itself to me - I was in bed last night worrying that every slight feeling, even falling asleep, was the start of a stroke or something! I've booked in to see the practice nurse and have my BP taken tomorrow morning and, fingers crossed, that will set my mind at rest.

Obviously, if this diet is making me ill then I 'm not going to stay on it bit I really hope not as I have so much invested in it!

Anyway, today I've been feeling fine and working hard. Went swimming up at Oakwood pool at lunchtime which was good. I'm a bit disorganised but that will come. I'm going to try to go twice if not 3 times every week and work up to 60 lengths which is roughly 3/4 of a mile. At the moment I'm at 40 lengths but could have done more, was just time that stopped me and not wanting to push too hard the first time.

Hey, that's another goal I've set. I'd better say that it is timed for the next 12 weeks until the end of LL Foundation when I will re-evaluate - omigod, how pompous is that?!

Also, I must remember to have a food back before I go swimming as I experienced a bit of a dip in energy today. God, so complicated! Righto - off to have my delicious chicken soup now...

Wednesday, 24 January 2007

Day 13 -88

A quick post at lunchtime. I'm frustrated with myself as I have manufactured a flimsy excuse not to go either running or swimming this lunchtime and now it's too late to go. My excuses were that I was in late today because the traffic was bad; the weather was foul; and I'm going training tonight but I should really have made the effort.

Still, I will definitely go swimming tomorrow lunchtime. I'm going to aim for training on Mondays and Wednesdays and swimming or running on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then we usually walk at the weekends and that should be enough.

I'm also frustrated and concerned as my weight loss seems to be progressing slowly this week. I haven't cheated at all and have drunk loads of water so I will be disappointed if I don't lose at least 4lbs tomorrow evening. I had hoped for 5 to be honest though. Maybe my expectations were unrealistic.

It's just that when you're making such a big effort and sacrifice, you really want to see big results. Fingers crossed that I can gain some perspective soon.

Right, I must snap out of this and get a bit more positive. I've already lost 19lbs and that is fantastic - it can only get better! Job done.

Tuesday, 23 January 2007

Day 12 -89

Well, I had a good morning as the scales showed a drop after a couple of static days. I know in my head that I can't lose a lb every day but, after my first week, I can't help wanting to see a change every day. Especially as I haven't cheated at all and have been exercising too! It doesn't seem to work like that. I'll just have to get used to it and have faith. I probably shouldn't get on the scales every five minutes either but lets not try to take too many steps at once!

I had a quiet day today. Nothing spectacular at the office and a quiet evening at home.

I went for a longer walk round town today but as I had planned to go running that was not really what I wanted. I took all my kit but forgot my fleece and it was far too cold to go running without a jacket. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. I'm going to try out the Oakwood swimming pool at lunchtime and see if that works in my routine.

As I had nothing better to do at lunchtime, I bought some cheap wool from Wilkinson and I've started knitting a scarf. It's going pretty well. I wasn't sure whether I'd be able to remember how to knit at all but it must be like riding a bike! Quite satisfying and it's keeping me from wanting to snack. not that that seems to be a problem but better to keep busy I think.

Paula at work told me something interesting. She said that 2 or 3 people she knows, who have lost a lot of weight on a similar diet to LL, have gained weight and had trouble starting the diet again. They didn't have the big losses they enjoyed the first time round. I think it must be important to get right through to the end before stopping for any length of time. Maybe a couple of weeks will be ok but not a longer break. I will try to ask Kate what she found after Christmas.

It also affects what we're going to do about Canada. I'm going to ask the leader on Thursday and discuss with Graham and Hadi when they're over the week after next. I really don't want to give up on Canada as D has agreed to it but nor do I want to bugger up this great opportunity. The way I feel at the moment, I want to try and diet through the holiday but don't want to ruin what should be a holiday of a lifetime. Maybe we could postpone 'til July and give me a few more weeks.

We'll see. Something to think about.

Anyway, I'd better go now as it's late and I still have one foodpack to eat before bed. I can't believe that I'm having to force it down - not hungry at all.

Monday, 22 January 2007

Day 11 -90

Had a good day at work today once I'd crawled in through the snow. It's bizarre living out here but working in Rotherham as it was completely clear of snow in Rotherham and sunny so my work colleagues thought I was a bit strange striding in wearing boots and waterproof coat and telling tales of 5/6 inches of snow!

Diet is going fine. I've made more of an effort to drink water today so hopefully that will help. Really don't like Thai Chilli soup anymore which is a shame, had to force it down at lunchtime.

I had my pedometer on today for the first time and made an effort to take the stairs etc and go for a walk at lunchtime but still only managed 6790 steps. Will have to look to increase my steps at lunchtime as I can't see me walking in the dark once I get home.

On the plus side, I had my first personal training session this evening. She's clearly very sceptical about my diet and her blood pressure check showed high blood pressure but that is due (I think) to the cuff being too small. I've had that problem before but it's been fine at the doctors. Will go to the doctor to get it checked out though, just in case.

It was good to be working out again. I seemed to do quite well apart from my abs being a bit weak. So, maybe I haven't left it too late to get back into a routine. Really enjoyed it so hopefully will manage twice a week and increase the aerobic stuff on my own time.

Anyway, that's all for now - a nice bubbly bath awaits with half a lemon bar!! You rebel you...

Day 10 -91

Couldn't post yesterday as I had a friend staying over unexpectedly. She got stranded in the snow trying to get over Snake Pass to Glossop. So, we had a good evening and it was no problem tucking into my mushroom soup while she cooked up whatever she could find in my severely depleted fridge and cupboards!

Had a good day, did some chores and then went out for a long muddy and rainy walk with 3 old school friends. It felt really good to take some bracing exercise and then come home to a fire and hot chocolate (mine being of the LL version and theirs being more tasty I'm afraid) and a good chat. Would have taken some photos but the weather was pretty foul and we were concentrating on our feet in the mud most of the way round.

The 3 of them were pretty supportive altough with the usual reservations. It would be nice not the be "the fat one" out of our little group after 27 years of knowing each other. It was also interesting to hear what they thought of my weight while we were at school: it has always been an issue to me and I have always thought that I was fatter than my peers. They were saying that they were not conscious of that until we left school when I did gain weight. I wonder, if I had had some of this perspective then, whether I would have embarked on the cycle of dieting/gaining/dieting which has occupied the last 20 odd years of my life?

Oh well, no regrets, onwards, ever onwards...

Saturday, 20 January 2007

Day 9 -92

Good, the home computer is back up so I can post properly again. I was missing it, which, considering I've never had a blog or even a diary before, is very strange.

Also at last, I finally feel well. I think I've just about shaken the cold and I have more energy. Thank God - I was getting really bored of posting whiney remarks about how bad I feel. I've never taken so many over-the-counter drugs either. I don't normally take anything but this time have been popping pills like a junkie... not good.

Went the footie today. Both me and Jim (the friend I go to the football with) were concerned whether we would have as much fun as we usually do in the pub before the game, what with me drinking only water. It was a bit strange at first as half the fun is picking what bitter we're going to be on this week so a pint of sparkling water with ice but no lemon just didn't quite cut it. Then came the tricky moment of Jim ordering his chip buttie - normally I would have a steak sandwich but "nothing" it was for me today! We did seem a little subdued today to be honest but we worked hard on the chat and suddenly it came through for us and we had as good a time as we usually do. Phew..

I noticed a big dip in energy on my way home and realised that I hadn't eaten since I left home at 12. I think you have to be quite careful to eat the packs quite regularly and not leave too long between them, especially if you're being active, ie. walking up and down Penistone Road.

But, despite the downsides of this diet I am convinced it is the right thing for me to do at this time. I've never been more motivated and there's no way I could be thinking about the sorts of things I have been thinking about if I was in the middle of a conventional diet - all you have head room to think about on those is food! This break from shopping, cooking and even eating is quite relaxing in a strange kind of way. I've been thinking a lot about food but in a positive way. For example, I've been thinking about cooking really healthy, interesting food not about "rewarding" myself with a pack of biscuits or something equally stupid.

I've obviously used food so badly over the years as a treat, a reward, a gift and a consolation. That is now going to change.

Friday, 19 January 2007

Day 8 -93

I'm back at work today and feeling terrible. I think it's just cystitis from taking the antibiotics but it's really dragging me down. Also, I'm freezing, which I was warned would happen. I'm not used to being cold though so it's not pleasant.

Still, I'm sticking to it and drinking the water and my various colleagues' offers of bacon sarnies and Roses chocolates are not having any effect so there are some positives.

Hope I feel better soon.

Day 7 -94

I couldn't post yesterday because the storms were so wild that the powere was knocked out from 2pm 'til after 7pm! Luckily I was out at my weigh-in so at least had some light and heat for a couple of hours. I can now report with great pride and self-satisfaction that I lost 15lbs last week! I'm really pleased with that and hope that it is the beginning of a long line of happy Thursday evenings.

Group was not too bad - we did an exercise where we talked about what we think of ourselves - what would we be if we were a colour, a vehicle, a shoe, an animal or a famous character. For various reasons I chose red, a Volvo, a trendy trainer, a labrador and Edwina Currie! Basically, I'm not totally down on myself but I'm not exactly pleased with me either.

Our task for this week is to set some goals. These should be Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic and Timed - ie. SMART goals. And they should also be written down.

So, here goes:-
  1. Before next Thursday I will have contacted Cat Raynor to see if she will take me on as a personal trainer and, if possible, will have arranged my first session.
  2. I will have finished all the filing and shredding before D comes back from the rig so that we're ready to deal with the financial restructure.
  3. I will not cheat, at all, while doing to 100 day foundation part of this diet.

I think that's enough to be getting on with.

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

Day 6 -95

I'm back at work today and feeling much better healthwise. The cough is subsiding so now I have real life to deal with.

It's been a bit of an effort today so far (it's lunchtime now). I feel tired and achy and have a headache. Not drinking enough water either so will have to work on that. The Thai chilli soup wasn't that nice either so, all in all, a difficult day! She did warn us that our tastes would change - maybe I'll like the vegetable oup

I think it's a case of D going back to the rig, being back at work, just general living.

I wanted to leave early this afternoon so didn;t bring a shake in with me but now I have a meeting scheduled up to 5pm so will be starving by the time I get home. Hey ho, mustn't go borrowing trouble. I'm going to walk into town now and see if that improves my mood!

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

Day 5 -96 Great day

I've been feeling so much better although still not 100% and we've had a really good day. We did lots of spring cleaning type chores this morning which sounds dull but is all part of the "new leaf" feeling I'm experiencing at the moment. Then this afternoon we went for what was meant to be a quick walk round the block. On the way home, D suggested that we go for a longer walk round a loop I've not been on before. I was feeling a bit knackered due to the cold but we went for it and had a lovely time.

It was only a walk but felt like an adventure 'cos it was misty and muddy and we weren't sure of the way. We saw an owl (not sure what sort - I'm going to look it up); found a couple of sheep skulls and for some reason decided to bring them home to put on the wall next to the garage (weird I know but funny at the time); there was a flood in a tunnel and D (wearing wellies unlike me) found some old milk crates so I could get across without getting my feet wet.

Anyway, it probably sounds a bit daft but it was a really nice afternoon. Made me happy that I hadn't taken up the offer of a free ticket to Wednesday v Man City tonight and was spending the evening with D and the dog! I cooked him supper this evening and didn't feel deprived (pork chop, stuffed mushroom, mash and veg). D even wished Wednesday luck as he headed out to the pub leaving me glued to Sky (as I am now) which is unheard of!

So, it seems that more than my diet is changing. Maybe 2007 really will be our year of change as we hoped it would.

For form's sake, the diet has been no problem at all although, next time I spend a couple of hours clambering round muddy fields, I'll have a foodpack before I go out!!

Day 5 -96

Finally, I feel better. Not well yet but alive. I couldn't sleep in this morning even though I have the day off - was awake at 5am just buzzing with schemes and ideas. It's a really exciting time.

I'm sure there will be lows along the way but for now, while I'm so revved up, I need to do some concrete stuff to make the most of this sense of purpose. So, sorting out a personal trainer and starting to sell my fat clothes on ebay are my 2 aims for this week. Not earth shattering but meaningful I think.

Monday, 15 January 2007

First weigh in - midweek pop-in

It isn't the official weigh in but after 4 days I've lost 10lbs! Not bad eh? I suspect being ill has helped that total and I probably won't lose as much next time but who cares? The leader did say that being on antibiotics might bugger up my weight loss over the next few days but hopefully not too badly.

Anyway, that's all for now. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and this famed energy burst will kick in....yeah right...

Day 4 -97

Just a quick post while I run a bath. I've been off work all day because I've been ill. I've felt truly terrible most of the day but it's genuinely nothing to do with the diet, just a nasty version of your common or garden variety winter cold. Anyway, D has been a star and coped with my emotional ups and downs (and they have been intense today) as well as my hacking coughs and spluttering sneezes (not the most pleasant experience to live with in close quarters) so that balances out some of the negative stuff I've been saying about him. He's pretty good really...

I'm going to drag myself to the mid-week stop-in session this evening which will be the most energetic thing I've done all day. Well, we did go for a sedate walk when the sun peeked out this afternoon which made me feel better for a bit so I know I can make it! Anyway, I'm determined to go to every meeting, come hell or high water, to make sure I don't start slipping.

So a midweek weigh-in tonight - I'm sure it'll be a respectable loss. I hope I'm not disappointed as I have been several times at Slimming World. Home scales never quite seem to tell the truth - I know I shouldn't get on them but can't seem to stop myself.

Sunday, 14 January 2007

Day 3 -98

It's been a real day of two halves as the football managers (nearly) say. It was a gorgeous morning as you can see and an old friend came over to go for a walk. She's been on the Cambridge diet herself for 3 weeks not long ago so she had a few useful tips. Now she's on Atkins hence why we were going for a walk rather than meeting in a cafe or a pub or something!

It was absolutely beautiful up on the Edge, windy and chilly but, once we were out of the wind, sunny and mild, Stunning stuff. It really made me feel good to be alive and reminded me of why I'm doing this. As we walked up the hill we were both panting; I want to stride up hills and feel fit, healthy and ready for anything. I'm going to do it too.

After our walk, I still had enough energy to do a bit of gardening (some very mild weeding) but I was beginning to feel ropey. By mid afternoon, the cough was hitting full strength and my temperature was rising (and not in a good way). All I've been able to do is park myself in front of the fire and feel like death warmed up.

On a positive note, I think D is coming round a bit. He went and got a video for us to watch this afternoon and, when I went to cook him supper, came through to the kitchen without a whimper and sorted out the dishwasher and just generally helped out. I genuinely don't mind the cooking but would feel aggrieved if I had to cook solely for him and he sat in the lounge like Lord Muck waiting for it! Also, it helps keep me on the straight and narrow...

It's actually quite difficult to remember not to taste the food or lick my fingers. I've managed not to so far but I've caught myself at the last minute a couple of times. I've also had to have some Benylin too which is not encouraged as it has fructose and ethanol in it. I was getting desperate as the coughing spasms were so intense but now I wish I hadn't bothered as it doesn't seem to have made much difference - I'm still hacking away like an extra on La Boheme.

So, a night in tonight - had to turn down the village pub quiz team - and hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. I've already called in sick for tomorrow though as I know I won't be up to it.

End of Day 2 -99

Had a pretty good day yesterday, wasn't hungry and, apart from this blasted cold and hacking cough, felt fine. We went for a walk which was lovely but I did feel quite weak so had to take it slow but still stayed out for a good hour.

I wasn't sure if I would go to the pub in the evening as I had been feeling quite weak but once I cooked D's supper (rashers, fried swede and potatoes) I had a nice bath and then felt as though I had the energy for it. The cough tends to be worse when I'm sitting for any length of time so it was probably better in the pub anyway. We had a really good night. There were quite a few people out and I didn't miss the booze at all.

I did crash though at midnight and really wanted to go home. D did his usual wheedling trick and we ended up staying for "just one more" that "I'll drink really fast". Like hell! It was a good 40 minutes and I was knackered, bloated from all the water and got pissed off. Trouble is, when I get annoyed he always manages to twist it so that it's somehow my fault and I'm the one being unreasonable. If I persist in trying to explain why I'm annoyed (not mad or wanting a row or anything, just disappointed and feeling like crap), then I'm the one who's labouring the point and making a stink. I can't win. And if I try and raise it when we're sober then I'm the one picking a fight.

Actually this blog is proving quite handy for getting stuff off my chest.

Anyway, It occurs to me that, although I know D is really excited about the diet and says he's supportive etc and I know he loves me, so far I haven't seen a single action that backs that claim up! I don't think he's actually done anything that he didn't want to do in order to help me or support me in this endeavour. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt this weekend as he has been away and is off to the rig again next week but, if I don't see some concrete gesture next trip, we'll be having a serious chat. I've got so much going on in my head about the changes I want to make to my life and I'm not putting up with being a whipping boy any more. That sounds really harsh, like an ultimatum, but it's not intended to be - I just want to change the way we relate to each other and make sure we're both happy about the way our lives are going.

So, we didn't row or anything but I suspect that my being sober all the time and wanting to focus on myself and my diet is going to cause a few ructions over the next few months.

Saturday, 13 January 2007

Day 2 -99

Had a banging headache this morning but took a paracetamol and it went and hasn't returned. Yay! Couldn't sleep in though so was up early with a bit of a fever and a kind of manic energy. Did loads of chores and posted the long blog below about yesterday.

This post is not going to be as long luckily - all I'm doing is posting my official "Before" photos as seen above. I'm going to try and update them every couple of weeks so maybe that will be some motivation to keep on the straight and narrow.
Also, Thai Chilli soup rocks...didn't think it would but very tasty.

Day 1 -100

Well, my first day is over and probably a good thing too. It's unfortunate that I managed to combine my first day on the diet with a nasty cold/viral infection. I have been feeling weak and rubbishy all week and have a nasty cough and then yesterday I succumbed to a vicious bouts of the trots, which really isn't like me! Normally I never get tummy troubles or food poisoning - my body is adept at processing pretty much everything I throw at it and holding onto it with admirable diligence!

Anyway, as I started the diet I had to add to the general feeling lousy, coughing, rushing to loo every 5 minutes the need to drink at least 4 litres of water! Suffice to say, I spent some quality time in the ladies yesterday!

So, did I feel hungry or deprived? Not really. I felt hungry before lunchtime and on my way home, but then I always feel hungry at those times. Surprisingly, the shakes and soups, tiny as they are, did seem to assuage the hunger and I felt no temptation to cheat despite there being fried snacks and cream cakes (I kid you not) sitting next to my desk for most of the afternoon.

My colleagues seem fascinated by the diet. I publicised it widely, partly so that I would have an extra incentive to stick to it and partly so that I'll have something to talk about over the next few months! I think I'm going to be a bit of a one trick pony for a while and must guard against being a total diet dullard. I think friends and colleagues are going to fall into 2 camps - the supportive and interested and the piss taking bastards. These latter ones - Charles and Andy sprinting into the lead at the moment - are delighting in tempting me with bacon sandwiches etc etc. I don't suppose it will be a problem - hopefully it will spur me on with an "I'll show them" sort of gig.

So last night my husband Diarmuid came back from Aberdeen. He was initially grumpy due to missing out on some rugby tickets but supportive over his evening meal. I think he was shocked when he saw what I have to eat and I think the reality of the diet began to set in. He's never the fastest to pick up a concept which might require some change in his behaviour but I'm confident that, with a bit of prodding, it will sink in. He's not very domesticated so things like doing his own shopping will be tricky - he's happy to go to the shop but hasn't really grasped the idea of checking what is needed or planning ahead. I'm going to try and minimise all contact with shopping and food so he's going to have a bit of a baptism of fire.

Anyway, I cooked him a meal - sausages, bacon and chips - but I didn't sit with him to eat it. I imagine we'll hit on a routine soon enough. It wasn't too hard and long may that continue.

I joned him in the pub at around 9.30 and endured the unbelieving gasps from people who can't imagine giving up alcohol for 2 days let alone 6 months. That sounds harsh but some of our friends really do like a drink! They haven't noticed that, over the last 3 years I have cut right back and apart from the odd binge (lovely) don't drink that much anyway - probably about 10-14 units at most.

One friend, Andy B, clearly doubts my resolve and keeps saying "you won't be you" if I lose weight. It's a bit irritating but slightly helpful in that I'm determined to prove him wrong. Another, Pete, is horrified by the diet - thinks it's really unhealthy and that I should just eat healthily and do more exercise. His wife has managed to do that recently but only had a couple of stone to lose. I see where he is coming from but when you have 9 stone to lose the thought of being on a diet for 2/3 years is a powerful barrier to starting one. Once again, I'm going to suck it up and try to prove him wrong.

Sammy and Vicky, with whom we've had our differences recently, have proved really supportive. It's nice to have someone to talk to who's interested in what it's all about and also really wants it work for you. It's especially impressive considering that they are both very slim and I know they can't imagine being as heavy as me or how I got into this state.

Anyway, it wasn't too bad drinking only water but I got a banging headache and the cold fever really set in by the end of the evening. D wasn't keen to leave and lingered as usual so I was in a foul and teary mood by the time we got home. He was a sloppy drunk and kept saying how good it would be when I've lost weight without realising how annoying it was that he was actually doing nothing to help - not making up the bed with me, not coming to bed, picking little inconsequential arguments, just generally annoying me. Hey ho - I can see that my being ill was a large part of my having a bad end to the evening but I suspect we have some serious issues to sort before this is over! I have these waves of affection for him at certain times but God, he can drive me up the wall at others.

Anyway, on that inconclusive but generally positive note that's all for now folks.

Friday, 12 January 2007

First Day

My last post dealt with the first session. I should report that, as the diet didn't start until this morning, I went home and cooked myself a fry up and finished off the yoghurt with pineapple, apricots and honey. They were delicious and I have no regrets whatsoever.

This morning, I was relatively organised (for me) and took a pint of water to bed as a declaration of intent. I drank 3 pints before I even left the house so that was good.

I had a breakfast of a shake and deliberately chose the one I thought I would like least - raspberry. Actually it was quite nice. The amount is paltry, only 200 mill, but the taste was pleasant and the process of making it using the cup thing simple (once I'd managed to get the lid off the cup!).

I've just enjoyed my lunch of chicken soup which is, once again, perfectly palatable. A bit like a Cupasoup. Strangely I don't feel too hungry. Tummy was rumbling before lunch but then it always does. I'm going to go for a walk soon as otherwise I'll be doing less walking than normal as I always go into town to buy a sandwich (and other goodies!).

So far so good. I'm positive I'm going to stick with this. I've told everyone what I'm doing so I really have to stick to it unless I wish to come over as a lily livered coward!

Still waiting for the blinding headaches and irritability which I'm sure will come soon but the first day has not been too bad. In fact, writing this blog is helping as it is stopping me wondering what to do with myself over lunch. I'll try and post every lunchtime.

First Session

It was the big night last night. Drove across Strines (a remote and hilly road) in a howling gale and lashing rain to get to Penistone for the first session. First impressions - not brilliant, surprisingly.

The house in which all the appointments take place is smartly decked out and comfortable and most of the group had arrived before me. We'were in a front room with chairs set around the outside. I was disappointed to discover that there would be 12 of us. I was also disappointed with the Counsellor to be honest. Now that's just first impressions talking, but she came across as a bit "hale and hearty" and a bit humourless in a "aren't we all jolly?" kind of way. I suppose when you are dealing with a wide cross section of different people you have to go with the endless repetition and lowest common denominator remarks.

Anyway, the above sounds really snide-y and unpleasant and I realise now, with the benefit of hindsight that my first impressions were largely informed by my nerves and by the realisation that, to me at least, this is a really serious endeavour.

The rest of the group was pretty quiet too so I suspect that they too were taking it all very seriously. When we finally had our introductions, I discovered that there are some quite interesting types amongst us. There's an A&E doctor who is quite young and seems like she could be fun. A woman who runs a florist with her family. A primary school headmistress. A woman who is soon going back work as an air stewardess after taking a break to look after her daughter. A woman who breeds Westies. A beautician. A legal secretary. A golf pro (I think - didn't hear that one very clearly). All in all, an interesting bunch.

In the interests of full disclosure I'll reveal that I weighed in at, wait for it, 19 stone and 11 lbs. That is huge and way more than I have ever weighed. I'm currently a size 22/24 in Evans (which is a generously sized shop). My measurements are (in inches):

Height - 5' 7"
BMI - 45
Chest - 50
Waist - 44
Hips - 56
Arm - 18
Thigh - 33
Knee - 20
Calf - 18

I'm intending to post a photo taken by my husband of me in the hallway (for scale) every few weeks so that I can track my progress. This has got to work!!

Thursday, 11 January 2007

Hours to go

It's really rainy and windy outside and that matched my insides - I'm getting nervous for some reason. I must have bought into how important this to me.

Anyway, it's lunchtime on my last non-diet day. I've tried to not to binge but the temptation is beginning to get the better of me! I've had a couple of mini doughnuts, some birthday cake and I'm trying to finish the satsumas before they become verboten. In fact, a colleague has just talked me into having some "last chips" and he's off to the chippy as I write!! Can't believe it, in the 18 months I've worked here I've never once given in to chips but today it seems fitting.

So, nervous but excited.

Wednesday, 10 January 2007

Well, I didn't manage to post a photo in my last blog so I thought I'd do a new one as promised. this is me and my dog. Hopefully we'll be shrinking before your eyes over the next few weeks and months.

The day before it all begins - Introductions please

Hi. I've never written a blog so bear with me. I'm imagining someone (sympathetic I hope)reading it which gives me some small purpose in writing it.

I'm due to start on a serious diet with Lighter Life tomorrow evening so I thought I'd kep a blog to see how I change over the months and hopefully to keep me to the straight and narrow. I've never felt more focussed on a diet before, have always rushed off to a meeting or bought the tape or the book so have never experienced this sense of anticipation. It's pretty positive I suppose, actually looking forward to starting a diet rather than dreading the deprivation it entails.

Yes, that'll be the thought I take with me from this blog this evening - this diet is a positive experience which I am looking forward to not a negative period when my life is put on hold. Yeah - it's unlikely that I'll hold onto that thought for long but it's worth a try.

Now I'm typing I don't want to stop. So, who am I? I'm 37. I'm a solicitor and I'm married with no children but one very indulged little dog. I've been fatter than my peers throughout my whole life. Not necessarily extremely fat in past years - in fact it makes me sad to think back on how bad I felt at certain times in my life when, looking at the photos, I was slightly chubby but extremely attractive. Really, youth and good looks are wasted on the young! But, over the years the weight has cloaked me and now I'm 5'7" and weigh nearly 20 stones. It's ugly just writing that.

A friend recently said, out of the blue, that my weight has "blighted my life". I'm not sure I agree. I'm not a moping failure or anything and there are many good things going on in my life. I think what she meant was that my weight has been a constant companion and a constant trial. It has affected my relationship with my husband, the world at large (no pun intended) and with myself. That must change. Iam no longer aiming just to lose a couple of stone but to change my life and become slim.

I think that's a good note to end on. Wish me luck!

Oh, I suppose I should let you know who you're talking to - now this takes guts.... ta and my doggie...if this works, which it might not. Oh well. If there's no photo when I publish it I'll try again later!!