Am I still "me"??

We're back to Botswana - God I loved that place. Now that the nights are dark and it's cold and rainy I love the photos even more. the animals were amazing and the lovely dry heat....sigh... An African Fish Eagle

Male kudu
Baboons en masse at the river side - there must have been a hundred or more of them!

Pied kingfishers

warthogs often eat from their front knees - weird creatures!

We were caught up in a herd of elephants heading for the river at top speed - it was exciting but a little scary too when the adults fronted up to us to protect the babies!

This guy definitely had his scary face on!

Oxpicker on male impala

Ugly vulture - there were loads of them around here on the body of a dead elephant - the sky was black with them and marabou storks at one point.

female impala - so pretty

male warthogs rutting - spring is sprung etc

elegant male kudu

I read a comment from Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie on my last post which referred to something I said in a very early post - it must be from March 2007!!! She had gone back and read my early posts for background - very diligent eh?! Anyway, in this old post, I was talking about how people had reacted to my going on a diet and starting to lose serious weight. Most were positive but some expressed concerns and doubts and one, my friend Andy, said that he was worried I wouldn't be "me" if I lost weight.

So, in her comment, Debbie asked me if I thought I was still "me" after all this time (and weight) has passed and if not, who am I??

It's set me thinking which is excellent news, so thanks Debbie. The short answer is that I'm not the same person that Andy was speaking to all those years and months ago. I feel like a totally different person since Lighter Life ended and often think of my pre-LL self in the third person (bizarrely). I feel sometimes sad for "her"; proud of "her"; occasionally ashamed of "her"; occasionally frustrated for and by "her". It's weird. I know the past is a foreign country but this is full-on space travel - as though I moved out of one body and mind and into another but took a lot of the furniture and decorations with me.

So, I do feel as though I'm not that "me" anymore. (By the by, I suspect Andy would agree with me that this is NOT a bad thing.)

That's how I feel but I suspect the truth is a lot simpler. Although I think I'm totally different, I suspect the person I am now is the person I always was but without all the coping mechanisms and disguises I had learned to apply to my fat-girl self.

I suspect that my friends see some changes but not nearly as many as I do. I was much more of a people pleaser then, reluctant to turn others down, always arranging things and taking on responsibility for things. Now, I'm happy to arrange an outing or event once in a while but don't feel I need to do it to earn friendship or respect. I used to be always bubbly and "up", always wore make-up and dressed smartly. Now, I'll do that if I feel like it but if I don't want to go out or, if I'm out and don't feel like being the life and soul, I'm happier to sit back and feel confident that this won't affect whether people "like" me or not.

Also, a lot of people have been asking me recently whether the TV programme "worked". Which is very tricky to answer. Short answer - I lost one and a half stone and I'm less miserable now, so yes. Long answer - the proof of the pudding is in the eating. I have not managed to lose any weight since the programme finished filming. Well, I had lost a few lbs but a couple of bad weeks have reversed that. So that means that I have maintained my weight for 4 months. Not bad. I seem to be less up and down. Bad times are fewer and of a shorter duration. Exercise is a LOT more consistent. Weighing myself is less daunting and less fraught with anxiety and potential depression. Weight is not such a personal test of sucess or failure; it's just something I need to keep on top of. I'm happier.

So, even by the long route, the answer has to be a heartfelt "Yes, the TV programme did work" with a big caveat "so far". I'm being vigilant to make sure bad weeks like the last couple don't happen often and are soon ended.

When I say "bad", it's all relative. I still did exercise, just less than I usually do. I ate too much, extras here and there but not packets of biscuits or binges or anything. Anyway, I'm going to be blogging a lot more too as a bad week is worse if I don't sit down here and think about things. But for now - I'm off to the pub quiz!!

Stalled

Pics taken on my mobile phone (hence the not great quality) from a mountain bike ride a few weeks ago with Vicky. It was our first "proper" ride and we were so excited about reaching the top of Win Hill on bikes!!

Note the rutted tracks - they made it tricky to ride, you were constantly having to pick a lane and then getting stuck!!

My bikey pal Vicky!

I've just been back in my blog and read my post from 13 October entitled "Me and my monkey". I realise that not a great deal has changed since then. I'm slightly less profligate with the extras I identified but there are still quite a few of these knocking around. Cappucinos from McDonalds in the morning; a biscuit at lunchtime; spuds with supper and glasses of wine when I would not previously have had one.

I need to tighten up a little bit more. Really ratchet the extras out of my life. So, tomorrow's mini-target is very simple - not to have a McDonalds capp in the morning and not to have any biscuits at work. I need to break the habits a couple at a time.

I've been working from home today as I had an appointment with a podiatrist near home in the middle of the day. She confirmed what I suspected - that I have developed plantar fascitis in my left heel. It's quite painful AFTER I've been running or for a long walk. Grrrr. This I do not need.

After my cold and rainy run on Monday night I felt fine, shower, supper and sit down in front of the telly. Then I got up to make a cup of tea - ow ow ow ow. So sore and it was sore all day on Tuesday.

The podiatrist was about 12. She looked so sweet, like a Sindy doll with massive blue eyes, so I wasn't initially hopeful but she seemed to be very competent. She's getting me some insoles to support my arch and correct a slight pro-nate (?) in that foot in the hope of relieving the pressure on the heel and preventing further damage to the ligament under my arch. She also said that, as long as I can stand the pain, I can continue to go running occasionally and recommended Ibuleve gel before running and ice massage afterwards. Is it worth it I ask myself?!

Yes. I'm loving the exercise at the moment and anything which gives me more choice and no excuse to skive if worth a little discomfort.

I went for a mountain bike ride at lunchtime today from home. It was the absolute worst timing! I could only go at lunchtime but just as I set off it began to rain; cold, icy, hard rain. I didn't falter but I do admit to cutting the ride slightly short after 45 minutes of splashing through muddy puddles and when I could no longer feel my thighs!! Then, as I stepped out of the shower I glanced out of the window to see a blue sky and even a hint of sunshine....thanks for that!!

The schedule for the rest of the weeks is - swimming tomorrow as I have an early meeting which has put paid to personal training. Swimming or a class on Friday. Mountain biking on Saturday (and dancing like a mad thing at my 40th birthday party of course!!) and R&R on Sunday (with a little light dog walking of course).

It's all good.

Running again

Some more pics from our sunset river cruise on the Chobe river. The highlight was being on the river when the elephants were crossing.

After a somewhat "loose" weekend which involved slightly too much food and drink and not quite enough exercise, I was determined to start the week well and for that I needed to do some aerobic exercise today. I intended to go swimming at lunchtime but was called into a last minute meeting so couldn't make it. So, that leaves the gym or running after work. The gym is boring and the only class I could make was weights based so not that aerobic-y. Running it was then.

My chimp was pretty quiet when I came to this conclusion. Surprisingly she didn't try and talk me out of it at all. Not even when it started to rain a cold, sleety rain just before we set off!!

I stopped running a few months ago because I had developed heel pain. I thought if I rested it for a while it might go away. Well, it hasn't so I'm seeing a bio-mechanical expert on Wednesday but in the meantime, figured I may as well run as long as I don't push it too hard.

So, 4 months off - what was it going to be like? Terrible probably.

Actually no. It was fine. Cold, wet, sludgy leaves underfoot, dark etc etc But fine. I must be reasonably fit because I did the 2.5 miles in the same time as before and I wasn't knackered when I finished.

It's a shame that I can't push the distances up much but at least I know that, if I'm stuck for exercise, I can always find 30 minutes to go out for a quick run in the evenings. No excuses! It's a bit like having the wattbike again.

I might even get myself sorted with an ipod and start listening to these newfangled podcast thingies eh Shauna!!

Good time versus - accountability

Some baboons we encountered near Victoria Falls - this little chap must have been very young but he seemed quite confident and was not bothered by our presence.

Check out the Spock ears!

His Dad was more suspicious so we didn't hang around for a chat!

After Vic Falls we returned to Kasane and the next day went on a sunset river cruise on the Chobe River. It was beautiful. So scenic and the animals and birdlife was truly spectacular. Below is an African Darter bird which is also known as a Snake Bird because, in the water, its long neck can look like a snake.


Here is the same bird swallowing a fish whole!

It seems as though you have a choice - you can be strict and virtuous and watch every mouthful in which case, if you're lucky and the heavens are aligned, you might lose a few lbs or you can enjoy life, forget about the "rules" for a bit and live in fear of those few lbs creeping back on.

I've been avoiding accountability for the last few days and I know it's not a clever thing to do. But I am enjoying life, keeping up with the exercise and I'm not going mad with food. So, no guilt or anything but I'm not going to let it slide any longer. It's not worth the risk.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to get on the scales first thing. As Mrs L used to say - "knowledge is power". That phrase has always stuck with me and has helped me get on the scales so many times. I'm not too worried but I know that this is the sort of danger time for me which in the past would have lead to "The Fog" but I'm not going to fall into that trap this time.

In other news - I took a couple of days off work last week and really enjoyed them. The garden has had its autumn "putting to bed" treatment and looks much neater and D and I went for a lovely long walk yesterday. Tonight we're off to a Halloween fancy dress party at my local and I'm dressing up. Usually this would be cause for great angst - what costume can I possibly find to fit etc etc?!

This year it was different - I just wandered into a party shop and bought a cheap and nasty looking packaged costume without trying it on and it did fit! Amazing. I look truly terrible in it but that's sort of the point.....much make-up will be worn and a silly hat and probably a few goblets of dragons' blood (aka red wine) will be spilt (down my throat).

Looking forward to it...there may be photos....we'll see....

Much better

He's right!! You can choose to be happy - or at least substantially happier. I was very hard-nosed about it, and positive (and I had a couple of glasses of red wine too) but the upshot is that I got through my sad/bad mood and the grumpiness of the last few days and feel much better now.

I also went for a cracking mountain bike ride this morning! A short sharp blast up some serious hills for about 90 minutes and now I feel pleasantly sore but very virtuous!

The other thing that helped me get through last night was deciding to do something "good"! Sounds a bit weirdy beardy I know but I thought if I could do something nice and positive for someone or something else, it might rub off on me. So, I bought my sister and her husband their Christmas present - a goat and a pig from the Care International charity gift range. Now my sister and her husband may not be very impressed - they may prefer the usual jumper and Jeremy Clarkson tome but that is by the by - this charity gift was all about cheering ME up!!

Not sure I've quite got the right 'tude but it works for ME and that's all that matters....tee hee

Blue....

What to do....

I feel terribly upset right now. I'm trying to channel Steve Peters and "choose" my emotions. I went swimming at lunchtime to get the endorphins rushing in. I'm trying to understand, reflect and just generally not react but it's an uphill battle. I still feel flat, unmotivated, small and hurt.

But one good thing is - I'm not eating my way through it.

So - I'm going to try again - and CHOOSE not to be upset. CHOOSE to be happy tonight. Smile.

I'll let you know I get on.

Aaaaah

Mother of God! I know I shouldn't blaspheme but I've just finished a Body Max class with a substitute instructor and he killed us!!

Perhaps I had better start developing a new exercise hoodoo

Just going to hobble off to the shower now. Wish me luck, I may get there in the next 10 minutes if I'm lucky.....