See - life definitely intruding here. So it was imperative that tonight, Friday, I reversed the trend. But what to do??
Friday, 30 April 2010
See - life definitely intruding here. So it was imperative that tonight, Friday, I reversed the trend. But what to do??
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
I've been feeling really happy with my shape and thinking I could happily stick at this weight etc because it was less than I have been. Then I looked at the pics from the rugby club do - I had been so pleased with the size 16 dress but now I realise I can do better. I know I looked good and I am still pleased with my shape and toning etc but size 16 is still size 16 however I phrase it.
So the next target is now size 14, top and bottom. I'm prob already a 14 on the top in lots of places and can fit into Wallis 14s on the bottom too (yeah - I know they have vanity sizing...) but that is my next target. And after 14, who knows?
Ultimately, why should I settle for looking "pretty good" considering" when, with a bit of effort, I could be "pretty damned good"??
Monday, 26 April 2010
Anyway, I have May's calendar up in the kitchen and the scales will be stepped on tomorrow morning (not that I've been avoiding them or anything but just not being scrupulous about weighing every day).
I'm being filmed for the follow up of My Big Fat Cycle Challenge on May 20th so have nearly 3 weeks to drop another few lbs. That's a pretty good target to go for I think.
We had a busy weekend - a long walk on Saturday - 7 brisk hilly miles; followed by worrying about Sheffield Wednesday against Cardiff; followed by drinking away my sorrow at the loss and our penultimate step towards relegation at the local rugby club's dinner! It was the 30th anniversary of the founding of the club and they have had an AMAZING season so it was a well attended and brilliant night out. The club has won all records, top of the league by miles, over 1000 points scored, only one loss all year - just amazing stuff. It was great to see so many young lads having a great time and being really proud of their achievements. Not to mention the old players gossiping away as if they hadn't stopped playing decades ago!
Sunday was knackering though - had to get up early to get to the Rec to set up for the Play Area launch event! About bloody time - we've been harassing the contractors for ages and it was finally finished a couple of weeks ago. It was brilliant to see the Rec swarming with kids and a couple of hundred locals. There was face painting, home made ice cream, a balloon launch, cupcakes, tea, coffee - Rck and Roll!!
I had to make a speech which was a bit of a downer but luckily it rained right in the middle so I don't think anyone was listening too closely.....
Anyway, after all that, I ducked out of the tidying up to spend a few hours with D on his last Sunday home and we went up for early doors at the pub - it was a cracking afternoon/evening - really funny and good craic. Just like old times. Eating was all over the place and a few drinks etc but a great weekend and tha's what counts really.
Back to austerity tomorrow but I'm almost looking forward to it. Will post pics of my dress soon - I was really proud of it! Have a great week everyone!!
Friday, 23 April 2010
I was feeling really chirpy and productive today. Went shopping at lunchtime and actuallybought a Maxi Dress! It looks great on but I have not the foggiest idea when or how I'm going to wear it. So that's by way of illustration of how happy I was feeling.
Then this evening my good mood just died. Mostly D related. Nothing big or nasty or anything; no row or fight. Just a series of small disappointments leaving me down and sorrowful. I wish we had had a row; at least I'd be angry now. This is horrible.
But - I'm remembering what Steve Peters used to say this time last year about my chimp etc. I can CHOOSE my mood. She may offer me down and sorrowful and it may be seductively attractive to take that option and have a good weep and generally mope around all evening. But really, deep down inside, that's not what I want! What I want is to cheer up, go out and have a good time. If D chooses to join me in this venture then great, if not and it all stays grumpy then at least I haven't given in to the gloom.
So that's what I'm going to do.
Also - I'm pleased to report that I didn't eat more as a result of this gloom - I actually ate less! I had a small pork chop, a couple of mushrooms and some veg but no spuds or anything else bad. Go me!
Have not managed to do any exercise today for various reasons but have all day free tomorrow and I will definitely get out and about in what is forecast to be the last day of the good weather around here at least.
Have a great weekend everyone. Thanks for listening - I'm feeling happier already!
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. The stats from this last week are as follows:
- 7 days in Ireland
- 5 hilly mountain bikes rides (3 of around an hour or so and 2 monster rides)
- 4 big dog walks at MIL pace (ie. BRISK!)
- Much walking round the top field but I don't think that counts...
- 2 night's drinking
- Many tasty and calorific things resisted .
- Some tasty and calorific things not resisted
- 2 (maybe 3...) lbs gained.
That is not bad at all. There have been times when I've gained over half a stone in a week in Ireland.
We've had a lovely time and reconnected with family and friends so what's a couple of lbs between friends?
We're off to Dublin to catch the ferry at sparrow's fart tomorrow so we'll be back at home tomorrow night and back to work on Thursday. And that's that.
Sunday, 18 April 2010
The gang - MIL, Fiona, Kevin and D.
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Shelagh loves the quad - Minty not keen but doesn't like to be left out so runs along side.
Friday, 16 April 2010
Thursday, 15 April 2010
So, I had a bit of a pity party for me yesterday but I feel a lot happier now that I've had a good night's rest and more importantly, a shower!! The weather is amazing here - gorgeous blue sky and sunshine and very warm. Trouble is, we're not out and about exercising our little legs off. Oh no! It's hanging around the homestead time. D and his Dad playing with the quad bike and me chaffing with his ma. It's lovely but after a few hours of it I start to go stir crazy!! The sunnier the weather, the worse it is!!
This morning was genuinely hilarious though. Once D and his dad had got the quad going, they attached to it a little trailer D's dad had made with an old car seat wlded into the back. Then they loaded up D's brother Patrick into the said seat and set up round the top field. As you can see, not exactly H&S approved but Patrick LOVED it! He's mentally and physically handicapped (no idea if this is the currently approved terminology) but has always adored tractors, diggers and machinery of any sort. So his idea of heaven is pelting round the top field with D and the rest of the family in tow.
After Paddy, we all had a go including me and Nellie and much fun. Trouble is, then the boys start working out how to "improve" the quad so then the fun stops, they get all obsessed with gears, oil etc and that's me left trailing round the fields with the dogs hankering for proper exercise.
If I knew I wasn't going to get it, I could just say, right, I'm off out on my mountain bike but then there's lunch and then there's a plan to go to the beach, which probably won't happen, so I hang around getting more and more irritated and feeling like I'm wasting the lovely sunshine.
God - I sound like such a miserable cow! Truly, I love my inlaws and everything but it is a very frustrating "holiday" for me. So, rather than nagging D and upsetting everyone, I'm venting my feelings here, safe in the knowledge that you lot won't judge me ill. I know it's hard for D too - he wants to spend time with his family of course and they can't leave Paddy so he doesn't want to just desert them on our first day home.
Tomorrow maybe. Wish me luck!
Update - I was spot on. About 3pm came and now it's "too late" to go to the beach. So I got into my biking gear and went for a 2 hour mountain bike ride round the hilly country lanes, leaving the lads sanding and painting the quad. It was gorgeous, hard work, especially with a scratchy throat but beautiful scenery and great exercise. This is what I will do all week I think. Should save on stress.
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
I still have to pack, finish off some work and try to sleep with the tickly cough and the grumpy husband.
Not a happy bunny.
Monday, 12 April 2010
So, it's back to the grindstone for me. Personal training this evening and a light supper, not a big evening meal with D. I have had my usual sensible breakfast and healthy sushi lunch so hopefully this will kickstart a downward trend for the next couple of weeks. [Update - PT was soooo hard today but I feel great now and have had just a simple supper and water. I'm back baby!!]
In other news, my team won the Pub Quiz League Cup Final last night!! What a triumph (tee hee). It was funny and we all bounced back into the local full of ourselves with our little silver plate to go in the pub's (currently empty) trophy cabinet - In Your Faces Darts and Dominos!! And I won March's rowing challenge at the gym. That's 2 on the bounce. I'm not looking forward to this month though - 10,000m!! That'll take ages - 45 to 50 minutes at a guess. Yuck.
It has been satisfying to see what 5 ordinary women can achieve from nothing. Just sitting down together in the pub a couple of times a month, sharing out the tasks and working our way methodically through what needs to be done. Asking for help where needed (that's how I got involved - legal assistance in filling in grant application forms etc and setting up a blog etc) and just plowing through. No egos, no arguments, no big committee mentality, no blokes. It's been great. That's not to say that we haven't had male assistance from time to time - working on the play area to keep it open in the meantime, helping us with stands for various fundraising events, running a barbeque at the carnival, a local architect helped us out at the end in fighting with the recalcitrant contractor but our little group has been at the core and I'm proud of us.
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Regular, long-term readers will know that my weight and my husband are not issues that mix well. He has never been one of those guys who professes that my weight just doesn't matter and that he hardly notices etc etc. I used to read slimming sucess articles in various magazines and always marvelled at those husbands! Where were the ones who blame your weight for everything wrong in your relationship; who say they don't fancy you when you're fat; who call you greedy and lazy and who say that they might leave you if you don't lose weight???
Yep, I have been the woman married to that man and I can't believe that I'm alone in this. I'm not proud of it and he sure as hell shouldn't be either. That said, it all sounds very shocking when it's written down but those few phrases don't tell the whole story of a marriage so please don't all assume that he's the world's worst pig because of that. He is not, he just has a blindspot to do with my weight and doesn't cope very well with talking about it.
As I have got stronger and to know myself better we have learned to manage this issue between us. I hope he is coming to trust that I'm not going to pile the weight back on (hell, I'm only just coming to trust that myself!). And this is having the result of us being able to be more relaxed about weight, food, exercise etc. I'm coming to trust that, although he may, in the heat of a row, say horrible things about my weight, he is incredibly loyal and has been very supportive in that bloke way. So actions speak louder than words.
So, there's the potted history for background. Now to the questions.
Yes, D has been away for the last 3 weeks coinciding with the start of Bootcamp2010 and that was intentional. Especially when I'm just starting, it is very helpful to have a clear run at things, to be able to clear the fridge and cupboards and not juggle social life with gym or exercise. Now I'm on a roll and have achieved some sucess, it's fine to prioritise exercise and minimise drinking etc but I find it difficult to start that way.
I find it harder to diet while D is at home for the simple fact that there is more food in the house. Bread (which I seldom buy and leave in the freezer when I do) litters the kitchen for D is a chap who buys a fresh loaf every day and leaves the old ones to moulder until I throw them out!! Full fat milk. Coffee always made. The occasional packet of biscuits knocking around. Also, we eat supper together so I tend to cook more elaborate evening meals involving meat and potatoes when D's at home rather than the snacks and salads I will aim for when he's away. I know I can still have the light meals and salads and cook D something else or just not have the spuds etc. but the temptation is there and I inevitably succumb a bit more often!
When I'm on a roll as I am now, the psychological side of the D/weight issues question is not so prevalent. I'm currently in control and therefore there is no problem. The problems start when I'm falling off the wagon. When I can see D observing me eating stuff I shouldn't. Even if he doesn't say anything, I feel it. Maybe I'm making it up but maybe not. The net effect is that I either feel bad about myself and therefore more likely to retreat to food or defiant. It's a distorting influence.
I wish I could be more resilient but I suppose I'm projecting my own disapproval of what I'm doing onto D in a way to spur me on.
That's why I'm trying to be very clear-thinking with this Bootcamp idea. Full, objective accountability of what I'm doing in terms of weight, exercise and food intake so I don't rely on subjective "shoulds" and "oughts" and "good" and "bad". It's helping. I have to keep up with it while under the greater pressure that D's presence in the hosue inevitably brings!! Wish me luck.
After all that rather negative sounding stuff - we're going to go out for a walk now with the dogs in the gorgeous spring sunshine and I can't wait. He's not a bad old stick really... I just thought saying the unsayable might help some other women who, like me, aren't blessed with the supportive, blind-to-weight type of husband or boyfriend.
Thursday, 8 April 2010
All in all, that added up to 20lbs since filming stopped in July last year (mostly at the back end of the summer as I had dropped a few lbs straight after filming stopped). I knew I had to do something about it but couldn't find a rhythym. I would lose a few lbs over 4 or 5 days and then put them back on over the weekend.
It all changed when I went on that fateful mountain bike ride with Vicky about 4 weeks ago. I realised that, while I was happy with my life and not, strange to say, distraught about the extra weight (TV show or no TV show), I was cheesed off that the extra weight was affecting what I could do physically.
I had previously been about the same standard as Vicky and suddenly I was floundering. The fact that I could feel the extra lbs weighing me down and slowing my riding was disheartening but inarguable. Those extra lbs were robbing my pleasure in the great outdoors through the searing pain in my legs and chest of trying to haul them up hills, which I'd previously managed without pain. This was what annoyed me sufficiently to spur me into action. Not worrying about what I "should" weigh or that I had "failed" by gaining weight. I was simply irritated by the limitations imposed by my weight.
Wow! A big breakthrough for me.
And then another - I actually did something about it. I've been on Bootcamp2010 for exactly 3 weeks today and have lost exactly 1 stone! I'm very pleased with that. I have to say that "Bootcamp" may be a bit of a misnomer as I have actually drunk more during those 3 weeks than I have for a while but my attitude to food has been freeing. I've just not been bothered by it. I eat pretty much what I fancy but not much. If I miss a meal, well, it won't kill me to be hungry. If I have a curry or chips, aaah get some exercise done and cut back before or after. On easy, routine work days, I have an easy, routine diet which fills me up and is healthy and on non-routine days, I don't sweat it.
I do some form of exercise every day and have only missed twice in 3 weeks (which is also fine). And I push myself in that exercise. I'm not coasting or doing exercise for form's sake. I'm really sweating it out, pushing my limits and testing myself and it's fun.
So - can I manage another 4 weeks of Bootcamp2010?? Don't see why not. We're going to Ireland in the middle of that but it should help to have that discipline. I'm not setting any weightloss targets - I just want to continue this relaxed style of living and get progressively stronger and fitter (and thinner!).
On a darker note, D is due back on Friday. I truly hope that his presence back in the house (while welcome and anticipated, of course) doesn't have a negative effect on my attitude to food. I suspect it will and want to try and analyse why. I know that D's attitude to my weight has been hard to take over the years and my perceiving him as judging me makes me feel defensive and more likely to retreat back to food.
I have to focus on my chimp, preserving her self-esteem and not worrying about D. His (and his chimp's) attitude to my weight is HIS issue and I don't need to buy into it. Maybe I'm borrowing trouble by anticipating this as an issue but experience tells me that I need to be prepared. Sounds so horrible. I wish he was one of those guys who "doesn't notice" what I weigh, like you read in the magazines. But he's not and that's that. I'm definitely making progress here though. I'm recognising that my defensiveness about weight is a manifestation of my chimp's fear of D leaving me. I'm not afraid of this, but she is and therefore she tells me to worry, panic, freeze, eat etc. I'm gradually learning to value myself for who I am not who I'm with or what I look like and this is giving me strength to live as I want to live and not react to this irrational fear by being paralysed into inactivity or eating.
Well, that got a bit heavy. I think it's because I'm changing. Long may it last.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
I had a severe case of cabin fever yesterday so on a whim, decided to drive down to London for the Sheffield Wednesday against QPR match!! I know - a bit of a nutter. I managed to persuade my friend Nicola (a former Owl who now lives in Middlesex) to come too although it was last minute; I didn't know whether she'd make it as I was driving down and I'd decided to go to the game come what may! Also I have another friend from my trainee days who now lives in Shepherds Bush so I arranged to meet her for lunch before the game. Haven't seen her for ages but it was short and sweet as her son is not well so she couldn't spare much time off. I had hoped to stay with her overnight actually but saw which way the wind was blowing there and decided to drive back!!
You know when someone is saying one thing but would actually prefer the exact opposite?!!
Anyway, I didn't fancy staying at Nicola's either as she lives miles away and she would be getting up at crack of dawn to go to rowing training! So, all in all a rapid fire dash into London and out was fine and although the drive was quite long and tiring it wasn't too bad.
The game was pretty dire - we managed an equaliser in the last 20 minutes though so scraped a point.....phew! I also saw an unsavoury side to the game which I've never previously seen - some Wednesday fans (I'm ashamed to say) came in and sat close by us and started with racist chanting. Actually, when I think about it, they might not have been Wednesday as they had London accents. There were 4 of them - proper BNP thugs types. It was horrible; everyone around us was really uncomfortable - lots of couples, kids, women, so no-one wanted to challenge them as they looked nasty pieces of work.
Anyway, everyone was shifting away from them so far as possible and then they unfurled a banner over the side of the balcony (we were sitting on the upper tier). No idea what it said but I bet it wasn't good - and within minutes they were surrounded by big, burly (and mostly black) stewards and ejected. Hooorah! I wish they'd called the police though as then these vile idiots would have got banning orders instead of just missing the game (which they weren't interested in anyway).
I absolutely hate that my beloved football gets hijacked by these horrible horrible people. It was heartening how little support they got though and how many people congratulated the stewards for ejecting them.
Anyway, I suppose I'd better report how I'm doing on Bootcamp2010 - stuck on 13.5lbs!! I'm hopeful that I'll get my stone off before Wednesday which is the 3 week mark. Very happy with this progress and feeling much slimmer and fitter.
Friday, 2 April 2010
Thursday, 1 April 2010
King Proteas in the Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens in Cape Town. Gorgeous.