Monday, 19 May 2008



Weight - 12 stone 8lbs. Well, I did suspect that yesterday's loss was a bit unlikely!
Exercise - rest after yesterday's race but I did take the dogs for a walk and mow the lawn so not a total bust.
Abstinence - I found myself at an all day tax seminar which was not expected (I got the days wrong). I couldn't have a pack there as did not have the accoutrements so made the best choices I could out of the sandwich lunch. I did have a few naughties but not bad.

So, after a week back on the packs, I have dropped 10lbs and moved 10lbs closer to fitting into those lovely size 12's. [Notice I didn' say that I have "lost" 10lbs!! Marisa would be proud of me]

Foodwise today, I was not great. Started off well with a shake but then was caught out by having to attend an all day VAT seminar (yes, it was as interesting as it sounds!) without having sorted myself with a tetrabrik or means of making up a soup. So I chose the healthiest items from the sandwich bar and didn't load up my plate and moved on. No point in beating yourself up about these things.

I had an interesting episode in the car driving home though. Mrs L talks today about realising that her weight didn't go back on in one go, it went on as a result of lots of small wrong choices. Well, I so nearly compounded one understandable poor choice at lunchtime with another unnecessary choice this evening. I was trying to talk myself into eating food again this evening on the dubious grounds that I ate at lunchtime and I can "start again properly" tomorrow!! (How many times have done that when on diets in the past??)

What a load of crock! There would have been no earthly reason for doing that and it would probably have spelt the end of this little 2 week push. Anyway, as I reasoned with myself, part of me trying to rationalise failure, a small part of me recognised this and I just decided that I wasn't going to do that!

The difference in this case between sucess and failure was the simple fact that I wasn't actually very hungry! I think if I had been hungry, I might well have given in. I take that as a sucess though as it means that hunger does actually have some influence on whether or not I eat.....sounds obvious, but it didn't used to!

So Mrs, you're right, it is many small decisions which make up our lives. I'm just pleased to report that, today, I made a good one.

Having said that, I am hungry now so I'm going to head off for my delicious chicken pack and a cup of tea!!! other news, Minty had her second jabs today so she is free to walk in the world! I took her for a short walk through the fields with Shelagh this evening. She loved it but was a bit nervous of all the new things...lorries on the road, sheep baaing at her and the bridge over the stream. Very very cute. I'll take some photos next time there is a nice evening.

Sunday, 18 May 2008

-8 (Chatsworth 10 km)

All bright eyed and bushy tailed at the start.

Shelley at the finish. I looked and felt much like this!!

Us modelling our Helen's Trust t-shirts at the end, not quite so bright eyed or bushy tailed!!


Weight - 12 stone 7 lbs! Yay!!
Exercise - I ran in the Golden Gates 10km race for Helen's Trust at Chatsworth this morning.
Abstinence - Not bad. I had a small bowl of lowfat, low cal porridge this morning to give me some fuel for the run and I had a couple of poached eggs for supper this evening as well as my soup.

The race was great. I started with Shelley and Nicky, both of whom said they hadn't done enough training so they were going to be really slow. So, of course, after 200 metres, I was well behind! But, the route has a huge hill in it, about a 2km climb quite near the start (not all of it steep but quite bit of it bad). I tried to run all the way up despite the fact that almost everyone else was walking but had to concede defeat and walk for about 20 yards near the top. Still, in that stretch, I overtook both my friends and didn't see them again until the end!! Ha! tortoise/hare eh?

Once the big hill was out of the way it was great. Lovely bluebell woods, trails through dappled meadows and lakes and views over Chatsworth House and its grounds. The last mile was along the Estate road and so fairly flat but, by then, even the gentle incline and headwind was enough to nearly finish me off. It was only the fact that I was running with a really nice guy called Russ that kept me speeding along. I'd helped him on the hills, he'd kept my pace good in the woods and then I left him for dead going downhill (I'm braver running downhill than these town runners!!). So, when he caught up with me with 1km to go, we finished off together at a nice pace.

I came in at (I think) 1 hour and 2 minutes although I haven't got my official time. I'm quite pleased with that as it was my first 10km and a hilly course. I've got a benchmark for future races now.

Shelley was a few minutes behind and Nicky quite a way after that (but pleased to finish).

Anyway, I was pleased to run it and didn't do much with the rest of my day bar a bit of cleaning and a bit of gardening and taking Shelagh for a nice long walk this evening. I'm off to the pub for a few (waters!) now so will check in again tomorrow. Byyee!

Saturday, 17 May 2008


Lancaster Bomber over Derwent Reservoir

Spitfire and Hurricane over Bamford village

Tornado jet over Ladybower viaduct (low down if you can't pick it out!).

Dakota over Ladybower reservoir.

Morning all.


Weight - 12 stone 8 lbs. Yay!! Thought I'd see a loss today.

Exercise - None so far and bar walking round the shops don't intend to do any as it's my rest day before running a 10km tomorrow.

Abstinence - Not eaten anything so far but I'm fully intending to be good.

Hmmmm. I typed the above before I set out this morning and then had to leave as I was running late. Abstinence not as good as I thought it would be. I had a seafood salad for lunch as I didn't want to take a pack with me to town. I know I could have done but I really didn't want to. I don't feel bad about that as it was a very healthful salad and I left the coleslaw and the bread and only had water to go with it.

I got back home after a mega shopping session - bought some gorgeous things! - and was hungry. I tried to rephrase it in a non-urgent way but I think the hunger thing must have sunk in. Anyway, I had a cup of tea and a chicken pack and then prowled around some more. Eventually I ended up giving in (and there really is no other word for it - I succumbed to temptation big style) to 2 sausages, a bread roll and baked beans. A strange combination to be sure but that was about all I cobble together from my meagre pantry. Anyway, it was heavenly and, although I feel full now, I can't bring myself to feel guilty as well.

Back to the grindstone now and a healthy day tomorrow as I'm running in a 10km race!

The clothes I bought were all a size 14 by the way apart from some very skinny fitting trousers where the 16 was more flattering. I spent a fortune but got some good stuff which will serve me well I think. The best was a gorgeous black and cream strappy Ted Baker dress for the wedding. I know I already have 2 dresses but this one is nicer so the other 2 (or at least one of them) is/are going back next week! I just need some killer heel to go with the dress and I'm set.

Have a great weekend everyone. and Well done Pompey on winning the FA Cup!!

Friday, 16 May 2008



Weight - 12 stone 9 lbs. II didn't expect to see any downward motion today given that I've lost 9lbs in 4 days!

Exercise - Ran up Win Hill with Kate carrying a backpack! I'll explain below.

Abstinence - So far so good. Plenty of water and a pack for breakfast.

I've got the day off today for 2 reasons. Firstly it is the 65th anniversary of the Dambuster Raids on the Moehne Dam in Germany and they were doing a memorial flypast over the Derwent, Howden and Ladybower Reservoirs near where I live. When the Dambuster Squadron was preparing for their big raids during WW2 with Barnes Wallis's bouncing bombs, they used this valley for training. They used the Howden Dam towers to learn how to "sight" the target and when to drop the bombs so that they would bounce along the water and into the dam walls.

I'm from Lincolnshire originally which is where 617 Squadron are based (RAF Scampton) so I have a connection with the story both ways. Anyway, it was good morning out. We ran up Win Hill with the 2 dogs and joined the throng at the summit to see the Lancatser Bomber, Spitfire, Hurricane, Dakota and a couple of Tornados flying low over the reservoirs and through the valley. They flew so low over the houses that we were hundreds of feet above them. It was gorgeous! We then flew down the hill at a helter skelter pace.....dangerous but fun. I have taken lots of pictures but not yet uploaded and sorted them.

This afternoon, I have to be a bit more girly and go shopping for an outfit for D's sister's wedding. Not my cup of tea really but I least I feel less lardy now and have dropped a few lbs.

I'm still reading a chapter a day of Marisa and I'm going to try and do some homework on that too. Today's chapter concerned the language we use. NLP I suppose. Her main point is that the word "lose" is one of the most negative thing we can say. Everything associated with loss is negative and associated by our brains with pain.....except when we say we want to lose weight! But our brains hear the word "lose" and fight against it thinking that we must try to regain what we have lost as is natural in all other spheres, hence the difficulty we have in "losing" weight. So, she says we should focus on what we are gaining....I want to become slim and fit into size 12 clothes, for example. Not that I want to "lose" weight. Makes sense.

So I'm going to shed some unwanted fat and gain a new, slim, fit , healthy body. Ok?!

Also, you should try and avoid the self-deprecating stuff we all do as your brain believes it and tries to make it come true! So no more negative tuff about yourself or "trying" to shed lbs. No more I "wish" I were thin. It is "I am going to achive my goals!". I suppose visualisation is the next step.....

Hope you like my girls. Minty is really coming on isn't she? She has her second lot of jabs on Monday so she'll be out and about soon!

Update - I've had a pretty good day. I managed to find not one but 2 cute dresses so now just to put together the accessories. I've just had a try on of various shoes and necklaces and have adecent outfit now if I was desperate but would like to try for better (read new...)! I'm turning into a girl at last!!

I struggled like mad with craving food this evening though and sooo nearly gave in. I did the prowling round the kitchen thing, opening cupboards and fridges etc searching for something....anything. But, luckily, there is nothing in. I managed to talk myself out of everything bar a couple of tiny slices of cheese (which I don't really like much hence they were so small...). I tried to be adult and sensible about it, to analyse why I wanted to eat so badly and eventually managed to convince myself that I didn't really want it.

I think, with hindsight, that it is becuse I've had a good day but was tired that the desire to eat crept in. 2 triggers there.

However, now, having had my trying on session and feeling foxy, I do not want anything!! yay. Not only that, I've just put on my outfit for the pub this eveningand it is noticeably more comfortable and better fitting than it was last weekend. It was really tight on the thighs last w/e so I had to keep yanking on the jeans. Now they fit perfectly and the top doesn't have to be tugged down and doesn't catch on my flabby back ('cos it isn't...!). That is the best feeling. I'm still wearing the wrong size (altho' I note that both top and jeans are 13's so not too bad)but I look good in what I'm wearing and I'm not growing any more.


Thursday, 15 May 2008

-11 (morning quickie....oooer missus)


Weight - 12 stone 9 lbs!! WTF? I think it must be time of the month kicking in but, by any reckoning, 4 lbs in a day is good going.
Exercise - not yet but I'm going out later...might go for a swim as I'm working from home. [Update - I managed a 31/2 mile run round the river and back over a hill this afternoon as I was too busy at klunchtime to go to the pool so all good]
Abstinence - so far so good. [Update - I was good all day but got caught out and was very hungry this evening after my french class as I ended up having to drive straight over to a friend's rather than going home for something to eat first. I stopped and bought 2 Pepperamis and had those instead of one pack. Not wonderful but I was pretty hungry and still had 3 hours to go before home. No cheating since though and have not been tempted to have the 4th pack.]

When I started Cambridge Diet a couple of months ago, I only did it properly for a couple of day and then settled into a semi-abstinent version of it. That would have been alright had I stuck to it but I didn't, so, after fighting a rearguard action for 6-8 weeks, I found myself back where I started and have had to go back onto the packs.

I don't know for sure whether this time will be any different but I do feel more focussed; more like I did at the very beginning. I have a goal in mind (albeit a different one to that of January 2007 - namely, lose 9 stone!) and I'm willing to say "no" to myself in order to achieve that goal.

Last time on CD it was all about wheedling as much as I could into my day while still losing. It was all about compromises and fudges (!) in order to keep eating....something, anything...

I'm thinking more about food again, as I did on LL. Analysing my behaviour more and asking myelf whether I'm really hungry or just head hungry. When I did CD before, I didn't do that - it was more a practical, "means to an end" type of process. Maybe I thought I was "cured" so didn't need to keep doing the work...ha!

I started reading Marisa Peer's book (again) this morning (yes - the waking early has kicked in- hallelujah) and found much food for thought (excuse the pun).

One thing I have noticed is how resistant I am to what she wants to achieve. How weird is that? She wants to help me to NOT want to eat, so I can become and stay slim without dieting for the rest of my life. What's not to want there??

Weeell, I still haven't quite given up on the idea of food as nice, as a treat, a celebration, a comfort, love.

I'm reading the pages and logically agreeing with her. How wonderful it would be to just eat what I need, when I need it. No angst, no desire... But a sneaky part of me is thinking....

"Chocolate (and I'm not even big chocolate eater), cakes, bread, toast, can you turn your back on your friends like that? Haven't they always been there for you? What would your life be like if you didn't have them there to enjoy any more?"

Marisa says you have to train your mind to associate unhealthy, fattening foods with pain and being slim and healthy with pleasure. You have to use the appropriate language to help your mind make these associations and not sabotage yourself. You have to reinforce these ideas until they are more dominant than your old ways. I hope I can get there. At least I'm recognising the resistance in me....I didn't think it would be so deep. Especially after losing all the weight and loving being slim and active. Clearly I have a long way to go still.

Anyway, best get back to work. Will check in later.

Wednesday, 14 May 2008


Nearly 3 full days of the 14 days challenge done.


Weight - 12 stone 13lbs
Exercise - 31/2 mile run (including 2 good size hills)
Abstinence - perfect (so far....but quite hungry!)

This'll only be a quick one as I have still to have a shower and get back down to the telly before 7.45pm for the start of the Rangers game (UEFA Cup Final in Manchester between Glasgow Rangers and Zenet St Petersburg).

I've had a really hard, busy and taxing day (workwise, not diet) but have stuck to my guns and not weakened on the abstience front. It has actually helped with the work as I've had to focus my mind on that to avoid thinking about snacking.

To add to that, I had a snippy and unsatisfactory conversation with D just before lunch which drained me a bit. That could have been a big trigger for me - "work stress + mini row with D= "treats" for Lesley"!! But I didn't let it and being in this strict routine helped. I made my soup and escaped into a book for a while at lunchtime and that distracted me.

I've drunk scads of water too as I've been fighting off the detox headache (combined with the work stress headache too of course). Hopefully I'll be in ketosis tomorrow (no ketostix so can't check properly but I should feel the energy rush and the lack of real hunger).

It all sounds a bit grim but it hasn't been - it's actually been quite positive. I feel thinner already in that pleasingly empty kind of way and I went out for a lovely chatty and sunny run with Shelley this evening which has put me in a much happier frame of mind. We're running in a 10km race up at Chatsworth on Sunday so we planned how we're getting there etc and had a look at the route too ( a bit hilly!).

Not only that, but I'm working from home tomorrow and have Friday off altogether so the long weekend with my doggies stretches out in front of me - WOOOOHOOOO!

I'm glad to see that so many people are getting in touch - thanks for your comments, they do help me so much. I'll try and post a more thoughtful, less rushed post soon.


Tuesday, 13 May 2008

-13 of Pre-weddng push!


Weight - 13 stone 1
Exercise - Personal training this morning
Abstinence - Pretty good but not perfect.

I am feeling pretty good about the abstinence thing. As I have been a bit out of control for a few weeks, I wanted to nip that sort of behaviour in the bud, get a "quick win" in terms of weight loss and set myself up for a fun time in Ireland.

I strayed from abstinence today though but for (I think) a justifiable reason:

Some time ago I helped a woman in the Council out with a personal problem which took up quite a bit of my time. I didn't know her, had only met her by chance at an internal course but she had been so far along the end of her tether that she was willing to ring a stranger up out of the blue and ask for help. Well, when that happens you have to step up so I guided her through the tail end of a 2 year harassment claim against a superior who had, essentially, been stalking her. Because of poor management, the claim had never really been sorted and that just made it more and more stressful for this woman.

Anyway, we finally forced senior management to get involved and put pressure on HR to get off their backsides and DO something (ie ban the bloke from her building, give him a final written warning and make it clear that if he so much as sneezes in her direction he's out) and that gave this, really lovely, woman closure and a sense of support (at last).

So - ages ago she asked me out to lunch to say thanks. She does not have a lot of money but she wanted to do it. Our date was today and I'd forgotten all about it until I got into the office. I felt it would have been churlish to refuse or go and not eat. So, I chose good place where I know they do salads, I had water and a salad with no croutons and only a small amount of low-fat dressing and I didn't allow that eating to spread into the rest of the day.

It was great being able to get to know her a bit better as, over the last few months, I've only ever seen her to discuss the latest letter or meeting or to prepare a case for her hearing all of which meetings usually ended up with her crying. This time we could talk about family, friends, her future (of course she has also gone through a horrible divorce while all this nastiness has been going on!) and have a proper laugh. I hope we can become proper friends to be hoest although suspect it may be tricky. It certainly made me realise how lucky I am I can tell you!

I was pleased that I didn't weaken in the afternoon. I genuinely would not have eaten if I hadn't had the appointment already in the diary as I feel pretty strong at the moment.

There are a few things I've thought about since my last post. I genuinely don't mind D reading the blog - just don't want to have to self-censor. I want to be able to type exactly what pops into my head and not think about how it appears. It was only the fact that he threw something in my face during an argument that made me back off the blog, not the fact that he reads it. I have always kind of assumed that he probably did read from time to time. I know I wouldn't be able to resist that sitting on my computer!!

The other thing is about abstinence. I know some people who didn't "know" me during the Lighter Life days will probably not understand the need to go back onto packs. I don't see it as a failure. I see it as part of a long process to ensure that I regularise my eating habits and don't regain the weight I lost. I lost 8 stone 10lbs. I then gained2 stone 6lbs. I'm still a lot lighter than I was BUT I can't risk gaining any more. I suspect I will have many swings in weight but I want the pendulum swings to become gradually less extreme over the years so that I, say, only gain half a stone before I can reverse the trend. At the moment, it's all new and exciting and when you think you're comfortable, you get complacent and then the trouble starts.

So, that's where I am. Exerting some control; making some decisions for me; being kind to myself and reminding myself about denial. So that I can do it better in the future.

Hope you're all battling with your own demons in a positive manner and having a great time. Kiss kiss.

Monday, 12 May 2008

It's been 2 weeks since my last confession....

Weight - 13 stone 4 lbs
Exercise - Ran up Win Hill
Avstinence - Good
Well - what a load of rubbish I was at that "big push"! I got very derailed after my big race and ended up gaining half a stone in a fortnight having been stable (albeit at too high a weight) for quite a long time. Worse still, D and I argued about it (like the bad old days). Worst yet, D revealed that he'd been reading my blog (but not in a nice way) so I kind of hid from everything for a while while I processed it all.

I have never hidden the blog and he's always known that I write one; it's on my favourites on our shared computer and, at the beginning, I even told him about it thinking he might pop in. But he didn't seem interested so I eventually concluded that it was my private space while acknowledging that he might pop in from time to time.

I have, however, come to use it as a sounding board and a place to be honest about my weight issues. Anyway, in the middle of a row about my weight (which came at me out of the blue as usual) he suddenly said that he'd read my blog and that I was lying to myself on it. It really really hurt and I felt that I couldn't come here for a while which left me a bit bereft and pretty rudderless to be honest. So - now D's back on the rig and I have to take stock of what I'm doing about my body and make some decisions.

I've got 2 1/2 weeks before D's sister's wedding in Ireland and I feel pretty damn fat. I'm 13 stone 4lbs which is 2 1/2 stone more than I was at my lightest. I'm a size 14/16 (more 16 than 14 at the mo) whereas I was a skinny 12 at my lightest. While I'm still training and running, the running is harder as I'm carrying more weight. I do not look as good in clothes and I don't have many clothes to wear seeing as I gave all my 16's away last summer, convinved that I wouldn't need them again (ha!).

What do I want? I want to lose a stone befroe the wedding. I then want to settle down and lose the other stone to end up in the low 11 stone range (10 stone something is jsut too hard for me to maintain and not particularly attractive on me - I like having breasts too much!!).

So, I started back on full abstinence this morning and I'm going to stick it out for the next 14 days. I've got a few packs left and a friend has given me her surplus CD packs (far too many Spicy Tomato for my liking but beggars can't be choosers!). I'm going to do a shed load of exercise and I'm going to suck up the pain for the next 2 weeks.

My mantra so far today has been - "I can do anything for a fortnight!".

I also ran up Win Hill tonight which was exhausting - it's a bloody big hill.

I'm going to try and post every day and give daily stats too.

I'm not going to concern myself with what D thinks if he's reading this. I'm as honest as I can be - if I occasionally put a positive gloss on something, that doesn't mean I'm lying to myself (or you), it may mean I'm looking for the good in the situation so as not to lose myself in the bad. Healthy I think. I need this space for myself and I'm buggered if a few nasty remarks in the middle of an argument are going to steal it from me.

I'm sorry I've not been there for anyone else for a while - hopefully I'll be a better blog pal soon and a less serious one too!!

Love and stuff!!