Thursday, 19 July 2007

What might be stopping me??

This might be a bit random but worth a try:

  1. Complacency/Habit

    I'm already feeling slim and attractive as "I'm there". I don't want to have to stick to the plan now. It's an old habit I've got from previous diets, never quite making it to the end. It's also a crap reason for not finishing something.

  2. It's summertime

    I associate summer with treats, picnics, barbeques, relaxing in the sun outside a pub, fruit (preferably with cream or icecream!). I feel that I'm missing out on stuff. Well, I missed out on stuff all winter and I missed out on things because I was fat, so that's also a crap reason for not finishing.

  3. I've eaten in the past and still lost weight.

    Well, yes, I have got away with it in the past but, if I'm honest, it has slowed me down on occasion. Also, what I ate before was much less than my eating over the weekend and didn't include much in the way of carbs.

  4. Am I scared of getting to goal?

    I don't think so. I'm slim now anyway and happy as anything about it. What will change?

  5. What WILL change??

    I'll have to cook and eat and keep the weight off. Yes, but that doesn't worry me - I'm positively looking forward to it. I can't wait to try new healthy eating recipes and shop for lovely tasty food again.

  6. Diarmuid? Will things change between us?

    That seems to be the worry at the back of my mind but I can't seem to pin it down. What will change? Nothing...

  7. Is that what I'm afraid of?

    That nothing will change? Possibly, yes. I've done all this work and really changed my attitudes but D doesn't seem to have met me in the middle. He's still going to the pub every night despite me asking him not to and drinking too much. I'm scared that he won't change and I'll have done all this for nothing so am I easing off the accelerator to give him more time to catch up? Which doesn't make sense as I've obviously done it for more than just us. Maybe I haven't. Maybe I had, at the back of my mind, that if I lost the weight, D and I would be better - "solved".

    I'm gutted that he hasn't made more changes in himself but, frankly, those changes are more likely to come when I reach goal and we get back to normal routines of eating together etc

    I need to focus my issues with Diarmuid on Diarmuid rather than on my weight. I've always said to him that there's more going on with us than just my weight, but it appears that I've taken on board what he has said about my weight being our main problem.

  8. Am I frightened that when I'm at goal, I'll be under pressure to have a baby?

    No - I want a baby, just want to make sure that D and I are alright before I do so.

So - a fair bit to mull over there. I know D and I are mostly fine but there are, inevitably, longstanding resentments bubbling under which have accumulated over the years. I need to try and get him onside for a clean sweep. I know how good it feels and I want him to meet me half way, especially if we're moving to France together where we'll be relying on each other a lot more. I trust him and know that he usually comes round to doing the right thing - it just takes him a lot longer to come round to it than me...

In the meantime, I shouldn't let this derail my weight loss which is for me, me me!! And is so close!

Sorry for the navel gazing - probably a bit personal but I feel more accountable getting it down here.


Sandra said...

I think there's a bit of these fears in all of us. I love Dan to bits but some aspects of his personality drive me up the wall. I know I can't change him.

I am really not about to use this as an excuse BUT preparing meals for Dan has provided me with teh opportunity to pick. Last night is a case in point. I made a very yummy spaghetti bolgnese. I know it was yummy because I tasted it, and tasted it, and hd just a little pinch more. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it I don't have a fork or spoon, it doesn't count. The preparation of his meals has come about recently because his waistline is noticably increasing - and in order to be eligible for NHS fertility treatment we BOTH have to be under BMI 30. He's not and he's not doing anything about it independently. Which leaves me trying to manage his calorie intake while I'm also managing my own.

As much as I love him, looking after him can be a bit like looking after a child. I also think this won't change anytime soon.

I'm sure this is a bit different to your issues with D but I thought I'd let you know that the ideas struck a chord...

chrismars said...

It's great that you feel able to 'talk' on the blog. It's there now and will you much cause for thought. I really hope you deal with any remaining isues with D before burning all your bridges and moving to France. A bold move, and not one to do lightly.

Do you truly believe that D is holding you to task over your weight? Can he be so shallow? At my highest I was 51/2 stone heavier than when we met but John has never used that against me. He probably worries more about the fact that he's with a 51 yr-old now rather than a 17

Congratulations on the navel-gazing, Lesley. I hope you resolve some of your issues very quickly. And it's worth sticking with the Programme. You'll be so happy you did six months down the line when it's all a distant memory.

Hugs, Chris x

Mrs said...

Dear Lesley

Well, I miss you for three days and wham! Your three latest posts all struck a chord with me (we're so close and nearly there) and I think it's fantastic that you articulated what is going on for you right now. I bet you felt a bit more in charge....

You identified the pattern - finishing before you've finished - make sure this is the ONE AND ONLY time you need to go all the way. After all, just look at how much you have achieved (from your list). Tick, tick, tick!!!

If it's any consolation, my husband and I had a huge row last night and some of your thoughts, bizarrely, were almost word for word what I said to my husband! I am going to post about it but must be respectful of hubby's situation/identity/etc. I don't think it will be an easy post to write so I want to thank you for being so honest and sharing (sorry, that sounds so cheesy but you know what I mean!).

Big kiss.

Mrs L xxxxxxxxx

Peridot said...

It just shows that our problems don't melt away with the fat. I think you've proved over and over what a strong person you are - and this direct confrontation of the things that might be stopping you complete your goals I'm sure will help you re-focus your efforts. You can only change you - a concept I struggle with! Have a good weekend.
Peridot x