Thursday, 26 July 2007

New Start 25

There was a little girl (well, largish lady)
With a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good, she was very very good
(And lost 7lbs in one week)
And the next day, she was horrid!!

"When I've been good - I'm very very tempted....and I usually give in!"

I've finally pinned down the pattern. Had a busy busy stressful but sucessful work day and, when I had a break in Sheffield city centre at lunchtime, I looked at slinky jeans, didn't buy but was well impressed by my rear end in size 12 Gap tight fits!!

So, what did I do then while waiting for my document to be finished? Sit in a cafe and enjoy a black coffee (having already had my soup and not being remotely hungry)?? No, I walked up and down the gorgeous Continental market in the pouring rain and, after much thought and deliberation, bought myself a chocolate tart. Only small but rich and sweet and delicious. I don't even feel guilty about it!

That lead to some other minor but wilful transgressions over the course of the rest of the day. So - before the day could get too bad and I could go from feeling irritated by myself but not depressed to downright miserable, I forced my sorry ass out into the rain (with the poor dog who wasn't happy about atoning for my sins I can tell you!) and we went for a short but very fast run up to the dam wall. I feel better now. Like, I've done it. accepted it, run part of it off and stopped the rot.

I know I will always want occasionally to eat lovely fattening things and, realistically, don't see anything wrong with that. I just need to understand that I can't let straying from the diet path lead to loss of control. I need to trust myself that I will stop (and pretty quickly as there isn't much slack in our likely calorie range!). I also need to keep up the exercise and try and create a link between the 2 sides of my life.

I know I was treating myself, pure and simple. I felt great about last week and being slim etc and I was working hard and feeling tired in that adrenaline fueled way and food was the quick fix I craved. So I overode my defences (totally purposefully) and took what I wanted. And enjoyed it too!

I'm not tempted to eat at all now and doubt I've done any lasting damage but a few things are clear:-

  1. I'll always be subject to temptation and I'll sometimes give in;
  2. Processing what is going on when I'm tempted and eat is important - typing this post has noticeably calmed me and I feel as though life etc is much simpler than when I first sat down.
  3. I can't keep hiding from emotions like I used to do - masking things with food. So, I need to learn how to cope with food and express my emotions some other way.
  4. Life is not about perfection - sometimes damage limitation is a sucessful outcome in itself.

On a different topic, has anyone else noticed that several of our regulars are awol?? I know Cath's on her hols, butMel, Sam, Claire and a few others....hope they come back soon.


Sandra said...

This is exactly what happens to me - although I haven't lost 7lbs in a very long time! BUT when I'm feeling pleased with myself, that' seems to be when my guard is lowered. I've felt good since last night's developers class and I felt strong. I was delighting in being in ketosis all day and the scales nudged down a bit this morning.

Tonight Dan is out and I felt a bit lonely and I've eaten the leftover chilli, half a can of salmon and four slices of toast with jam. WHY?
Now I feel ill and bloated and headachy. Why can't I remember that these things may taste nice but don't do me any favours?

Oh well, I'm off to do a thought record...


Guinea said...

When I get the weight off, of course I am going to want to eat naughty foods. I just need to learn to include them in a healthy lifestyle. Lots of other folk manage it, so why can't we?

For me the key is to normalise these treat foods and not think of tem as a reward for good behaviour.

I think looking at food as some kind of reward just enforces the mental side of eating problems. Somehow it must be possible to eat these things without looking at them as a treat. I want to eat them because they are nice, not because I was "good".

When I buy a magazine or a book I don't try to justify it by remembering the good things I did that day. I just buy it. For me the Holy Grail of eating would be to get myself into the same situation where I could just eat what I want and not need to worry about my weight. I don't want to have to think about everythng that passes my lips for the rest of my life. I want it all to become natural. I know this will take time and training, but I want this to be my first and last diet.

Lesley said...

Yep - Guinea - that's what I'm after too - well put!

That's why I'm not too cheesed off with myself for eating yesterday becauseI didn't go mad and I enjoyed the food for what it was, good food and I fitted it into my normal day etc etc. It was just the motivation to eat that was suspect!!

Don't want to build them up into special "treats" but don't want to have them often either - a conundrum...


Lesley x

Peridot said...

I think it sounds positive that you have identified the pattern - of using food as a treat to reward yourself. I'm sure that this self awareness must help you. You're incredibly strong and self-disciplined - and it shows that even the most dedicated have a learning process they go through to re-educate themselves (which is kind of encouraging for the rest of us, aspiring to being you!).
You know you can do it, we know you can do it.
Peridot x
PS size 12 skinny Gaps? You minx! Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Oh look at you Mrs size 12 gap jeans!! WOW! As for the tart...ok its not abstaining but it was controlled! You've pushed yourself out for a run & limited the damage & thats what you need to do "in real life" in the world of food. Not going bezerk is to be commented...A friend/collegue has a gorgeous figure, excercises healthily and eats sensibly most of the time and also has the odd food treat! In my book that is the way to go! - possibly along the 80/20 rule! I know off will sometimes be a treat and think that in the world we live in that is to be expected but its managing the food & not loosing control that counts...Thanks for lovely posts on blg BTW, do appreciate it! Are we getting anywhere with the meeting up!! I'll all for paintball by the way - would be fun!

Mrs said...

Hi Lesley

I should be asleep, saving my voice for tomorrow's stadium activities!

Anyway, just caught up with your two posts - amazing AND with fantastic feedback.

Did you see my post (dedicated to YOU) about why French women don't get fat? Because, like you, they would have indulged in the chocolate tart and left it at that! You just ran yours off - NOT like a French woman! Tee hee.

I've had loads of new insights from my Development meeting, which I am going to post (and share) on Sunday BUT so much of what you raise here is related.

LIke you, I have also wondered about the regulars...hope they do indeed come back soon.

And massive thank you for the extra hug (for Shelagh). Much appreciated.

And, finally, as for Gap jeans? Blimey, I am just not brave enough to go in there!! Well done!!

Big kiss.

Your Southern Friend xxxxxxxxx

Melanie said...

Hi Lesley,

Just to let you know I am back, gone a bit awol as you say, but I'm ready to do a post and get back into things properly.

Will read up and get to speed with the blogs later today, sorry I've not been around. Will explain in blog.

Thanks for not giving up on me!

Mel x

chrismars said...

Lots of wise comments here. I think we need to keep everything in perspective. LL works on the basis that we shouldn't use food as a reward or treat or compensation (ie. if we're upset about something), but I honestly don't think we need worry if we keep in mind exactly what we're doing by eating something scrummy. It's at times when we deny ourselves these 'treats' that problems are likely to arise. As 'in search of me' said, we need to keep n mind the 80/20 rule - or 90/10 if we want to be a little more stringent.....

Chris x