Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Day 235 - Route to Management starts here....but...

It's been a strange day. I've felt so in control and happy about reaching my target and starting RTM recently and I've been happy and content regarding food and cooking and looking forward to making great changes. So that's all well and good. The trouble is my husband does not seem to be in the same place as me. Home life has been very strained since he came back on Thursday night and that has really taken the shine off.

Last trip he was over the moon about me being slim and couldn't get enough of me. This time - no compliments, niggling rows. He says I've been less interested in him and, to be fair, maybe I have. Maybe my obsession with this stage of the diet has caused me to overlook the fact that he's doing incredibly well at work and I've neglected him a bit. Or maybe my hurt at being ignored and not complimented and left in favour of the pub (again) caused me to withdraw? Hard to say - chicken and egg etc.

Anyway, it all came to a head last night. I thought we'd sorted it on Sunday when we'd had some words and I was genuinely making an effort to ask him about his interview and talk about work etc (not that we'd had much time together yesterday anyway). Evidently not - D just sat down and picked a fight. No other word for it - he had a go because I'd chosen to have a piece of toast with a mushroom (I'd picked in the fields while jogging) on it for my last supper before RTM (in place of a pack!). Just slagging me off for failing at the diet and how it was all going to go back on and how "he knows me and that's that now...". It came out of the blue (or it felt like it did) and it was incredibly hurtful. Grabbing the LL magazine and repeatedly hectoring me to show him in there where it's ok to have toast!!

I tried to be rational and sift through what he was saying and take on board what was right and contest what was not but there was no stopping him.

Ultimately, it was incredibly hurtful and I felt bullied and wounded. It was like he has no trust in me and the changes I've made. At the first sight of me eating he freaked out and went mental. I begged him to calm down and have some faith in me. I lost a lb since Wednesday night so I'm not exactly piling the lbs on! In any event, I'm not doing this for his approval, it's a way of life etc. I tried being rational and I ended up sobbing on the kitchen floor with my dog in my arms!

Really painful stuff and I probably shouldn't be letting it all hang out on a blog. But I just don't know how else to process it and react differently to how I might have done in the past. The thing is - I haven't turned to food and there was never any impulse to do so. So I have changed.

I know there is wrong on both sides and I know there is a grain of truth in what D says about my eating over the past few days and me not paying attention to his work needs. But I also know that I have it under control and that LL is not about being perfect - it's a process and the point of it is getting and staying slim and healthy, not following the diet to perfection. It's learning how to live my life forever my way, not ticking boxes. D doesn't see that. He's very black and white about things - things are either good or bad, right or wrong. He doesn't allow for shades of grey or different ways of achieving the same end. It's very debilitating.

The anger and rage I feel at him now is pretty high but not very productive.

D did apologise first thing this morning (4am) and usually, being pretty non-confrontational in my relationship, I would leave it at that. But this time I'm going to try and talk him through the diet and try and prevent it happening again. I was so hurt and now so livid that he could treat me like that. It's not on.

He's just rung me and been pretty conciliatory (in his way) but doesn't seem to understand how serious it was for me. I said we need to talk it through tonight and he 's all "I apologised" "whatever". I think it got through to him though so maybe this a good thing - a new way of communicating and a new me!

So - being slim does not solve all problems but it makes you stronger in dealing with them (which can in turn create more problems). One thing is clear though - I'm a different person and I'm not going to be bullied like that again. Gutted. What a nice way to start on the Route to management eh?


Mrs said...

Oh lovely Lesley

Just taking five mins out so must keep this short and sweet. Sorry. There is A LOT going on here, for both of you. You have changed and being assertive not passive aggressive (like me!) is a new way of being in your relationship. For both of you. It takes time to get used to the new shifts in the relationship.

But I wonder if D is projecting his own anxieties to you (remember I'm ok, you're ok?). There's nothing like an impending interview to make a man super grumpy (in my experience). And remember the 3 roles - including persecutor?

The blog is your space, your thing; you are amongst friends here so don't worry about that. You can remove post if you change your mind!

You will get through this; please don't start RtM with a mental setback. Sort it out before you begin properly. And please acknowledge the rollercoaster that is LighterLife; it's mentally and physically exhausting, even if that's at a sub-conscious level.

If you look back at what you have achieved this year, it's amazing. And you've also achieved things together (the cottage/the garden).

You will resolve this; take a deep breath.

Big big hugs - wrapped right round you.

Mrs Lxxxxx

Such A Pretty Face... said...

Just read your latest post and wanted to leave a comment for you -hope you don't mind.
I am not the world greatest expert on relationships but it seems that there might be some projection going on like the Mrs said and you just happened to be conveniently placed in order to bear the full brunt of it.

Your acheivement so far is nothing to be sniffed out, it's bloody amazing, you've come such a long way (sorry if that sounds patronising - I sincerely don't mean it to be). I hope your talk with him goes well and you are in my thoughts.

sending good thoughts and cyber hugs.

Amanda said...

I hope your feeling OK and your talk with D goes better.

I'm hopeless at giving advice or stuff like that, Mrs L does it so much better.

But just wanted to let you know I'll be thinking of you.

(((((Big Hugs)))))

Amanda x

Sandra said...

I was going to say something similar to Mrs L.

Firstly - he's a bloke and they don't communicate well at the best of times.
Secondly - is he feeling quite insecure about you changing and him not being able to keep up? Does he worry that you might not need him anymore?
Thirdly - have you underestimated the ways in which you've changed? The relationship you had before was affected by the way you were and now you are different.

Thanks for sharing this Lesley because I do feel that you are a friend and I'd like to think we can help in some way.


ThickChick said...

Yikes, I'm not sure what to say except that you absolutely should stand up for yourself, and I think it is big of you to admit some fault in the situation as well.

Hang in there!

Glam said...

All I can offer is a big, virtual hug from across the pond!

There could be so many reasons why your husband is having such a hard time right now. Your transformation could have been so quick that your husband hasn't yet adjusted to it, or maybe he's simply not used to you taking time for yourself.

Honestly, I really don't know. I'm sure things will work out. Just a rough patch, which tends to happen occasionally with the people we love the most. Hang in there.

Peridot said...

Hmmm, as you know, I suspect D and my b/f are frighteningly similar. My take on this is that he's feeling threatened and is lashing out - he is in a pattern where if he feels threatened or upset he has always in the past got it out of his system by being unpleasant about your weight (maybe not as a conscious attack but there's no excuse - we all know our partners' achilles heel, the decent thing is not to strike there). This is the same thing as in your past - it's just he can't make his usual comments because you're clearly not the same woman, you've lost the weight he used to pick on. Learning new patterns of behaviour is tough (as we all should know!) and when your back is against the wall you can easily revert to type. He has to recognise what he does and make a real concerted effort NOT to take things out on you when he's unhappy/threatened. I'm sure there is also an underlying uneasiness about your increased desirability and attractiveness which makes him lash out in the way that has made him successful in upsetting you in the past and make you more vulnerable and needy which is a more secure place for him to be. Of course this may all be utter b*llocks! Thinking of you, honey. You know where I am if you need me.

Peridot x