Thursday, 8 April 2010

Why sucess? Why now?

Isn't it strange? What, you ask. Isn't it strange how you can try and try and try for months to get into the swing of weight loss and then suddenly it clicks and you power on through? I knew I was slowly gaining a few lbs last autumn: 4 or 5 came back from Botswana; another few in November through all my 40th birthday shenanigans; another few over Christmas and then, after my failed attempts to sucessfully lose (and keep off) the Christmas lbs, another few in February.

All in all, that added up to 20lbs since filming stopped in July last year (mostly at the back end of the summer as I had dropped a few lbs straight after filming stopped). I knew I had to do something about it but couldn't find a rhythym. I would lose a few lbs over 4 or 5 days and then put them back on over the weekend.

It all changed when I went on that fateful mountain bike ride with Vicky about 4 weeks ago. I realised that, while I was happy with my life and not, strange to say, distraught about the extra weight (TV show or no TV show), I was cheesed off that the extra weight was affecting what I could do physically.

I had previously been about the same standard as Vicky and suddenly I was floundering. The fact that I could feel the extra lbs weighing me down and slowing my riding was disheartening but inarguable. Those extra lbs were robbing my pleasure in the great outdoors through the searing pain in my legs and chest of trying to haul them up hills, which I'd previously managed without pain. This was what annoyed me sufficiently to spur me into action. Not worrying about what I "should" weigh or that I had "failed" by gaining weight. I was simply irritated by the limitations imposed by my weight.

Wow! A big breakthrough for me.

And then another - I actually did something about it. I've been on Bootcamp2010 for exactly 3 weeks today and have lost exactly 1 stone! I'm very pleased with that. I have to say that "Bootcamp" may be a bit of a misnomer as I have actually drunk more during those 3 weeks than I have for a while but my attitude to food has been freeing. I've just not been bothered by it. I eat pretty much what I fancy but not much. If I miss a meal, well, it won't kill me to be hungry. If I have a curry or chips, aaah get some exercise done and cut back before or after. On easy, routine work days, I have an easy, routine diet which fills me up and is healthy and on non-routine days, I don't sweat it.

I do some form of exercise every day and have only missed twice in 3 weeks (which is also fine). And I push myself in that exercise. I'm not coasting or doing exercise for form's sake. I'm really sweating it out, pushing my limits and testing myself and it's fun.

So - can I manage another 4 weeks of Bootcamp2010?? Don't see why not. We're going to Ireland in the middle of that but it should help to have that discipline. I'm not setting any weightloss targets - I just want to continue this relaxed style of living and get progressively stronger and fitter (and thinner!).

On a darker note, D is due back on Friday. I truly hope that his presence back in the house (while welcome and anticipated, of course) doesn't have a negative effect on my attitude to food. I suspect it will and want to try and analyse why. I know that D's attitude to my weight has been hard to take over the years and my perceiving him as judging me makes me feel defensive and more likely to retreat back to food.

I have to focus on my chimp, preserving her self-esteem and not worrying about D. His (and his chimp's) attitude to my weight is HIS issue and I don't need to buy into it. Maybe I'm borrowing trouble by anticipating this as an issue but experience tells me that I need to be prepared. Sounds so horrible. I wish he was one of those guys who "doesn't notice" what I weigh, like you read in the magazines. But he's not and that's that. I'm definitely making progress here though. I'm recognising that my defensiveness about weight is a manifestation of my chimp's fear of D leaving me. I'm not afraid of this, but she is and therefore she tells me to worry, panic, freeze, eat etc. I'm gradually learning to value myself for who I am not who I'm with or what I look like and this is giving me strength to live as I want to live and not react to this irrational fear by being paralysed into inactivity or eating.

Well, that got a bit heavy. I think it's because I'm changing. Long may it last.


Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Lesley, I really liked this post! Congratulations on your IS weird, isn't it, that sometimes we can do all of this sort of naturally, and then sometimes it is a battle royale.

Your reflections on D and your weight leads me to asking a question (nosy bugger, aren't I?), since I struggle with similar issues sometimes. How long has D been gone? I'm trying to recall if he's been away for a while - does his absence correlate with the past 4 weeks?

I find that often I do well if my husband is travelling...I think that when it is just me, there is no shite being potentially dredged up (thus extra issues to deal with). I just focus on what I need to do and get on with it without interference. (I love Mr. Debbie to pieces and for the most part he's supportive of my efforts, I just don't need to be observed sometimes.)

Well done Lesley!

Claire said...

Socrates said 'The unexamined life is not worth living' and I agree. Nothing wrong with a good delve sometimes. Your chimp will flourish when her issues are brought out into the open. You will too!

Amber said...

I still cannot believe you're strong (and brave) enough to put yourself through a boot camp. Not in a bad way of course, I am generously spilling compliments!

Milly said...

Well done Lesley for your success, long may it continue. I think I may have to put myself in Bootcamp!