Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Sad sometimes

Isn't it weird how you can be trotting along quite nicely and suddenly feel like everything is on top of you?  Well, that's me today.  I've been working hard (am working from home), not over-eaten, been for a run and done some household chores so it's been quite a productive day but the blue feeling has just built and built. 

The trouble is, Shelagh has picked up on it and won't leave me alone...she's pawing at me and wants to be on my lap and stare into my eyes which just makes me feel more emotional.  Minty was the same earlier.

I want to talk to Rich about it but I also want to be sure that I'm not just over-reacting and putting everything on him.  It's one thing to ask for support and a cuddle but it's another if part of the reason you feel sad is because the person you want support from is the one who seems increasingly distant and unromantic and that's what is making you sad.

I feel sort of silly seeking "romance" but it's more than that.  It's wanting to guard the love affair that we have.  Not to let it slide into mediocrity.  And to acknowledge that nothing is perfect and everything can slip once in a while.  Well, I feel that we're slipping now and that makes me sad.  I MUST summon up the bravery to talk about it to him.  I know it sounds silly but after all these years the learned behaviour of avoidance and appeasement is still strong in me.  I MUST not bottle it up and just talk to him - he's not an ogre and would be hurt to kow how hard this is for me.

But also, I must try and see this from his point of view too - not blame and say how everything is about what HE does.  It's mostly a problem of perception I feel.  I don't seriously doubt him but need more reassurance than he seems to want to give.  I suspect that the happier and more secure HE feels, the less reassurance and security he gives me but I don't know and need to just ask him.

I hate feeling sad like this though.

I used to have a friend back in University days - Sandra - we've lost touch I'm afraid.  She used to say - don't be afraid of your feelings, if you feel sad, embrace it, acknowledge it, it's your truth.  I used to think  - rubbish - you can just smile your way through it and jolly well cheer yourself up!  That to "wallow" is self-indulgent twaddle. 

Now I think there is probably a middle way, that sometimes there is value in acknowledging one's feelings and emotional states.  Although someitmes it is better just to get on with things and go for a walk!!

I wish though that I had not asked his brother over fro supper to go through some legal paperwork!  I could really do with a free evening to talk this through and I now I feel I'll have to be sociable and superficial!  Bad timing or what?

Anyway, I'm off to WI shortly - I strongly suspect it'll be another STS or hopefully a minimal drop.  I'm doing well for most of the week and then going out on a big day out (this week was an away coach trip to Blackpool!) which undoes all my efforts.  Hey ho - there are more important things to worry about I feel.


Sarah said...

Hey there,

It's not silly. Sometimes I feel I just dwell on stuff too. In my previous relationship, we ended up taking each other for granted, would always agree to do stuff at weekends because we'd each think individually "that'd be fun, we can be a couple next weekend" and that next weekend never came. I had a sort out of stuff a couple of years ago and found loads of letters that we'd written (when I lived abroad for a few months at a time and there was no easily accessible email in the way there is now - yes it was a while ago) and I had to re-read them all just to remind myself that we had been romantically in love at one stage, it wasn't all me, he was there too (we split because he decided he didn't love me any more).

My very nice man and I started our relationship with very good intentions. We'd have monthly relationship meetings - meant v v tongue in cheek I hasten to add - when we'd both talk about stuff that we were happy with and stuff that needed work. It was mainly the former! These ran down to quarterly and don't seem to have done anything since our "review of the year" at the end of last year. (We got together on a NYE so it was fitting.)

So what I'm trying to say is, I do get what you're saying, it's not silly and you can do something about it without upsetting your man. You seem to be in a relationship where you can say stuff - and indeed you used to be in a relationship where you couldn't and stuff festered and that really wasn't good.

Good luck - not that you need it, it'll be fine!

Sarah x

Seren said...

If it's something you feel, then it is not silly. I do hope you get the chance soon to talk it through.