Midsummer evening

Midsummer evening

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Forensic Profiling (can you tell I'm reading a Val McDiarmid novel??)

Ironically (I type this as I munch on a digestive biscuit) I’m about to start getting back to formal exercise rather than ad hoc stuff. (By the way - thanks for reassuring me that I still do lot of exercise - I suppose I did know that and the moving certainly was hard work but I also know when I'm not doing as much as I could....) This means, in the short term, a trip to the pool this lunchtime. Yikes….not sure if I can remember the way it’s been so long!! But I do feel a tiny green shoot of enthusiasm for the idea of going so I count that as “a good thing”. I’ll let you know if this enthusiasm translates into actual pleasure when I get back from the pool.



Last week, while I was in my old house cleaning and tidying up, I was glancing through my books as I sought to jam more of them onto the groaning shelves. I’m not an inveterate buyer of self-help books but I do have a chequered history with diet books. Several are still there – Atkins; Paul McKenna’s “I can make you thin”; Marisa Peer’s “You can be thin”; Beck and probably a few other, older incarnations. I even found my old crib notes from when I followed the Beck diet and several old notebooks marking previous spells of food diarising. Then, in the rest of the house, there was a pile of old Slimming World magazines, the Weightwatchers pack and a few before and after photos from Lighter Life. A bag full of Lighter Life merchandise, DVD’s, books, bands, shakers, even a couple of hidden packs now aeons out of date… Various pieces of discarded exercise gear – a fitball, a mini trampette, a rowing machine (although that was D’s really), exercise clothes and trainers in a selection of sizes and degrees of wear and tear. Evidence of loads of different fads in sport and exercise, the most recent being the mountain bike stuff from last year (which WILL be resurrected!). There was some good stuff too – notably my medal from running the Sheffield Half Marathon and the plaque I received from the RSPCA in recognition of raising over £1500 for them. And, most damning of all, clothes in sizes 12-14 and 18-24 (well, the few that I hadn’t sold on ebay years ago).



I tell you, it wouldn’t have taken a razor sharp forensic profiler long to work out that he or she was dealing with a fattie (former or otherwise)!!



What else does it tell me? That I’m a trier. That I am a bit of a dilettante. That having problems with my weight has been my constant companion for decades. That I’m not happy with myself.



But wait. This is my old house and the things I have (temporarily at least) discarded. The things I felt it was not necessary for me to take to my new place and into my new life.



What would the forensic profiler find in my new house and what might they reveal?



No diet books and no diet magazines or formal diet detritus of any kind. A set of worn bathroom scales in a prominent position which are used nearly every day. A fridge full of fresh food (as well as chilled beer and wine) and bin full of evidence of home cooked meals (and last night’s fish and chips)!! A basement containing frequently used golf clubs and golf shoes, muddy boots, trainers, gardening gear (oh, and somewhat sheepishly a neglected mountain bike with a flat tyre and a WiiFit still in its box!). A washing basket containing sweaty gym kit and drawers full of clean gym kit. A fresh swimming kit in the car ready to go to work. Clothes on the hanger ranging from size 14 to size 16 only (admittedly the ones at the more generous end of that scale are the more recently worn). Dogs – frequently walked, fit dogs, one of which is probably still smelling of the unspeakable stuff she found to roll in yesterday! A calendar with a set of varied pastimes noted – dancing, football, golf, socialising, walking. A computer and cameras crammed with photos of the outdoors, the dogs, and a happy me and Rich.



Maybe, just maybe, I have really changed. Maybe I can start to believe that I have left that often sad, sometimes manic, nervous, bullied, trier behind and turned her into a positive, happy woman who is not perfect but who enjoys life and believes in herself. Maybe. I’m watching this space.



Update following the great lunchtime swim: it was fine. There was no chimp resistance to going which was good so I didn't have to drag myself there. The first 16 lengths were brilliant - I felt like a hot knife in butter, slicing through the water and loving the feeling of swimming after so long. Inevitably fatigue set in and this feeling wore off and by the time I got to 39 lengths it was hard, hard work. But I stuck it out to 50 and the last few, once I had slowed down a bit, were alright. I'm pleased with 50 as that's around where I was when I was swimming regularly. It means that I haven't lost all my fitness and I haven't dropped all the way back to my minimum level of 40. Now I just need to make it to 50 without the tiredness towards the end, a bit more smoothly. Pleased with myself today.



Now, can I manage to go for a run tomorrow morning and really banish some ghosts???

4 comments:

Seren said...

Wow. This post strikes a lot of chords. You sound so positive by the end of it, it seems clear that a lot of the changes you have made in the last few years are really paying dividends for you now. I, and I'm sure many other people who follow your blog, will be watching this space too, with fingers and toes and eyes and ears all crossed for you.

Sx

Love Cat said...

Hi Les.

Just a quick thing. Can you remove my name from your second last post. Feel freel to leave a mention of my blog in but I don't use my name from my old blog anymore as I'm keeping it anon. Sorry - couldn't find your email to send this to.

Thanks. x

Peridot said...

All this house clearance - whilst tiresome - does give you that opportunity of bursting out of your chrysallis and being a new butterfly!

Px

Gabby said...

What a great post Lesley! Lovely to see how you've changed and most importantly, become happier. I'm positive that the new you is for keeps!