I'm 39 today!

It's the dogs' turn. They're tired of all these glamorous and exotic beasties dominating my pages so here are a few of Shelagh and Minty in the garden.

Doggie business at the bottom of the garden, no doubt of utmost importance.

Next door's alsatian, Boo, looks on. She is a nice dog (to humans) but I do feel a bit sorry for her stuck in the garden day after day with no-one to play with. Trouble is, I don't trust her with my 2 as she has been aggressive towards them in the past, so now it's look but don't touch.

You can see that Minty is looking back, is that trepidation? They seem to get on okay through the fence, much playing and barking and destroying of shrubs and beds goes on so I suppose it's alright.

It's the sort of birthday which makes you stop and look at it. Strangely 'cos, I'm not usually one to worry about getting older, this one has made me do a bit of stock taking.

My main thought has been that I do not want to be fat and forty. I'm not saying I'm particularly fat now, but if I were to gain weight next year at the same rate as I did this year, I would be heading that way. So, you can see my point.

I have been reading a lot of blogs recently and, in particular, some of the old ones. Does anyone remember Guinea? I wonder how he's getting on after he lost so much? Anyway, in one somewhat depressing post, he quoted some spurious stat that 98% of people who lose over 100lbs put it back on in 3 years and 70% do so within 1 year. Now I don't think that is strictly true but I know stats for keeping weight off are poor. I am determined to make this stick and keep battling at it.

I repeat, I am not going to be fat and forty!!!

I'd better go to work now. It's not going to a very exciting birthday. D is away and I have to attend a Council meeting this evening. Also, I'm dieting so not eating or drinking so the height of my thrills will be going to the pub quiz later this evening. I've told my mates to get their asses out so hopefully there'll be few people out and about.

So far so good

I apologise for the gore but maybe you might find the image helpful when trying to avoid eating too much. This is a female black backed jackal chowing down on the putrid carcass of a large male kudu in a water hole. Tasty eh? Our guide said the kudu would probably have been killed by hyenas.

We saw several jackals while we were there and they were normally incredibly shy and very fast. My other photos were just blurry blobs heading into the scrub. This one was really strange. Once she had finished her fine dining, she moseyed around, totally aware of us and gradually made her way up the slope to the low wall on which we were standing (we were at one of the few places where you're allowed to get out of your vehicle).




She stared right at us and then slowly wandered off. It was magical. Even our guide was holding his breath and said he had never seen that happen before.

This is my last photo of her. You can see how close she was as I couldn't go back any further without falling off the wall so it's a bit blurry!

I worked from home today as I had a document to review. It can be a bit of a trial as the house is very quiet and there's always the temptation to snack. I have been a bit peckish too but think that is because I started the day with personal training. Despite that, I've been pretty good and stuck to my plan fairly closely.

I suppose I may as well 'fess up that SW was not really for me. After a few days of eating too many carbs and having too large portions, I started feeling sluggish and worrying about what this was teaching me for the future post-diet.

I had loads of packs left over so I've started a hybrid. Kind of like the first couple of weeks of RTM, 2 or 3 packs a day with a protein and veg meal. Milk in teas and coffees but no fruit or other snacks allowed. Occasionally I've done 4 packs a day if I'm in a hurry or don't have any food in.

I've also started going back to my Lighter Life Management class. I know I said I wouldn't race back into abstinence or onto the packs (or something very close to it) but, having started SW with all the right motivation but not really enjoyed the actual diet or got much from the classes, I thought maybe this time I was in the right frame of mind to make LL work for me.

So the plan is, that I will be strict with myself for the next 4 or 5 weeks and, thereafter, loosen up for Christmas but continue to go to classes and not go too mad so I don't undo my hard work for the sake of a few mince pies. Then, depending how I feel in January, I might go back to what I'm doing now or just carry on with Management.

The key thing is that, whatever I do, whether SW or LL, I do it wholeheartedly and carry on going to classes even if things are not going so well. In the past, when I've had a bad week, I've sometimes not gone to class saying that I'll catch up next week and not have the depression of knowing that I've gained. Totally counter-productive as I usually have an even worse week the following week and that is the beginning of the end for that diet.

Not this time.

I've made a pledge to go every Thursday night until Christmas and then rethink thereafter. I don't want to make the promise too big and overwhelming, hence the short timescale.

I hope you don't think I was being "economical with the truth" because I didn't mention LL before. I did go to SW and did make a start but then could feel that it wasn't for me. I had every intention of sticking it out when I saw a Lighter Life magazine in a newsagent one lunchtime and it just clicked that that is what I wanted to do. So I started on my old packs and rang my LLC that day and went to the first class on Thursday.

Luckily she had a class for refreshers just starting so it is a bit like Foundation in that there are 8 of us who have all committed to 4 weeks. It seems like a good group. Everyone has done Foundation and is now back wanting to lose some of what they have regained. That sounds a bit depressing but no-one has put anywhere near all their weight back on. Most people just want a bit of help in the run up to Christmas to get back on track and make sure they don't go crazy at Christmas.

I think not knowing my weight has been a big help too. I know I had slapped on a fair few lbs since we came back from SA abut the actual number would have depressed and angered me. This way is much better. Also, instead of spending ages getting on and off the scales in the morning and using the result to dictate my mood and bargaining with myself about whether I can snack or not, I just don't know how I'm getting on so I don't snack. It is hard to resist the siren scales but really helpful that I do, at least for now.

Anyway, I've waffled a bit here. Sorry. I'll try and be a bit more snappy next time...

Busy busy busy

This little chap is a Jackass penguin and he lives not far south of Cape Town on the Cape Peninsula. Cute eh? A bit weird seeing penguins with no snow or ice though...

Diarmuid on the way up to Cape Point, note the sign behind him pointing out that baboons are dangerous....I thought they were gorgeous.

The view from the southernmost tip of the Cape Peninsula with False Bay behind me.

The Lighthouse on top of Cape Point and the Cape of Good Hope just peeking out behind it.

The other lighthouse on Cape Point (a tad confusing)

Our first family of baboons but not the last. I never managed to take a really good shot of any of them though. The ones which were close by were too fast and the slow ones were at the outer edges of my zoom, or it was too dark. V v frustrating.

I liked this little chap but he wouldn't smile for the camera...

I'm finding sticking to my plan surprisingly easy. Irritatingly, I don't feel any thinner but I'm sure that will come soon enough. In the meantime, it is "switch off brain and try to cruise through" time.

That's not to say that I'm being perfect, far from it but I'm not going very far off the rails and getting straight back on track.

There's one area where I'm not performing in a stellar manner and that is exercise. I had every intention of going to my step class this lunchtime, but when work intruded and put paid to that, I was frankly relieved. I suppose I could have nipped out for a quick run this evening but I chose not to have time. I can see what I'm doing and I'm not proud of myself here.

So, I need to try a bit harder to make sure that exercise doesn't get shoved out of the picture. I know it's rainy and miserable but that is no excuse!

Of course I'm confident that I won't skive off from seeing the lovely Huw tomorrow morning at 7am, that is a given. So there is a silver lining. I've been so consistent with my personal training for the last 18 months which is why I don't dare reduce the number of sessions per week even though he is ruinously expensive! Credit crunch be damned.

In other news, where does everyone stand on the John Sergeant vs the Judges flim flam on Strictly? I'm firmly against poor old John. Think he should be booted out unceremoniously and let the rest of us get back to enjoying pretty girls in nice frocks and hunky chaps with bulging biceps!! I'm so shallow..... Vote for anyone but John!!!

Hmmm

The V& A Waterfront in Cape Town, with Table Mountain in the background. Note the massive yacht dwarfing the hotel. It's owned by Bill Gates' partner from Microsoft (can't remember his name right now) and hardly ever used apparently.

It comes equipped with not one but 2 helicopters because you never know when you'e going to experience a 2 helicopter situation....

While we were there there was the "Blessing of the Fleet" so many of the boats were decked out with flags and palm branches. Most of them seemed to be portuguese owned so there was serious portuguese cooking going on down at the harbourside.....mmmm....hhhmmm!

Well, I'm not doing tooooo badly. I've had a tricky weekend as I had to visit my parents to see my brother, who was over from Canada on business and managed to squeeze in a weekend in Lincoln. Obviously, I'm really pleased to see them all and espcially Graham who I don't get to see often, but I wouldn't have chosen a weekend at the Olds' on the first weekend of a serious diet if I had had a choice.

As my mother is not really up to cooking much beyond the most simple of meals these days, it fell to me to cook a roast dinner for us. I know Dad misses proper roasts and Graham has been living off hotel food so it would have been churlish to deny them. That wasn't too hard to resist. Nor was dessert or the pub but this evening, when I was driving home, a little tired and feeling hungry, I really struggled with temptation not to stop at a petrol station and stock up with goodies. I did manage it but it was hard. And, now I'm home, I've just fallen off the wagon, although not too badly.

So, it's time to put my targets from yesterday into effect. First up, I came up here to blog and secondly, I'm going to make sure that I don't compound the fall by eating any of the sandwiches and chips which are bound to be served up after the pub quiz this evening. That is a pledge.

Feeling positive

A mini ( and somewhat anthropomorphic) elephant story I observed. This is Mum, baby and auntie (auntie has only a bit part so don't get too attached to her).

Close up of baby, dreaming about being free!

"Don't you go too far baby, I'm keeping an eye on you!"

"But, I wanna. S'not fair. I never get to go anywhere...."

"Sigh. She's back but I still want to go. I'm a big girl now."

I had a think yesterday about some targets. I came to the conclusion that there should be 2 sets of targets, one for now, while I'm dropping weight and another for when I get back to where I want to be and am maintaining .

So, current targets are as follows:

1. Don't chafe against the bonds, stick to the diet!
2. If you do fall of the wagon, forget about it and get right back on, not waiting 'til "tomorrow"!
3. Use Thought Records to help you when you're frustrated or when you struggle.
4. Make and follow a weekly exercise plan.

Which leads me neatly to the Exercise Plan for this week:

Saturday - short run with dogs or longer walk.

Sunday - Long walk with dogs

Monday - Step Class

Tuesday - Personal training

Wednesday - Either swim at lunch or run in the evening

Thursday - Personal training

Friday - Body Combat class

See, that all seems very simple. What can possibly go wrong?!!

Actually, I'm feeling very positive at the moment. I'm experiencing that beginning-of-a-diet elation when you are ready to do the diet and happy to be doing something because the weight has been upsetting you. I don't want to be in this position again because what it means is that I have gained weight rapidly and I have been feeling so rubbish about it that I'm happy to be restricting my food. Surely this isn't right!

Still, better than feeling crap I suppose.

I'm also surprised at how liberated I feel by not knowing my exact weight. I had been hiding away from it for a week or so before I started the diet and knew that the number would not be pleasant so I asked the Counsellor not to tell me and to keep my card. Now I simply don't know and therefore haven't experienced that rush of depression or self-hatred at the number itself, merely the happiness that I'm doing something about it. Neat eh?

The power of exercise

A very tame Weaver bird at a water hole. Our Guide, Ruan, had got into the habit of feeding the braver ones and they were gorgeous.

How's that for a close up? Too close, I couldn't fit her tail in!

The males weren't as brave so had to wait for the crumbs on the ground!

3 female kudu. I love their big soft ears and gentle expressions.

A big handsome male Red Hartebeest. There were masses of these; after a while we barely noticed them. We did see a couple of newborns though, driving back from our evening game drive. It was too dark for photos but they were lovely, all gawky, gangly legs like little fluffy foals. Ruan said they were probably less than an hour old. Sigh...

I felt very grumpy and slothful this morning but the long-standing and non-negotiable date of my personal training loomed so I hauled my ass out of bed and was only a few minutes late at 7.03am. And now I feel much better!!

This is going to be a short post as I have to shower and get to work but I wanted to say that facing my demons in my last post seems to have unlocked something. I'm still struggling with the eating but I feel much more positive and I not hiding away any more. This constant blogging is helping too.

So, I'm going to keep plugging away at this and I will get there.

I'm trying something different too.

I 'm going to ask the SW counsellor not to tell me my weight and I'm not going to weigh myself during the week. (I've removed the batteries from the scales.) She can tell me how much I've dropped (note my positive attitude) but not the figure itself. I don't want to get hooked up on how much I've gained/lost and the numbers.....I want to separate that element from what I'm trying to do with food. It's a first for me so feels a bit weird.

I hope you like the piccies. I have loads from South Africa so I could be at this for a while but to be honest the weather is so miserable here, I'm not taking many at the weekends so I may as well use up my stocks. Hope you like elephants as you are going to be seeing lots of them. I fell in love with them in Addo, their social lives look so interesting and there were so many little stories going on.

Struggling but still trying

A male Kudu. they're very shy but so beautiful and graceful.

I took these pictures on our first day in Addo Elephant Reserve in the Eastern Cape. A stunning place, maybe not as big and impressive as Kruger (which I will visit one day) but for intimate viewings and no crowds, well worth a few days.

The first 2 elephants we saw on our first evening game drive. We were able to get incredibly close to them. I'm not using much of a zoom here as they're probably only 3 or 4 yards from us.

They got even closer at times...

A lovely African sunset on our first evening. It was pretty much the last sun we saw while at the game reserve; we were not lucky with the weather. In fact our guide accused us of bringing English weather to the Cape - low cloud, cold, drizzley, grey - yup, it was all our fault!

So many zebra, so little time. The first few time you see them, they are really arresting but after a while, they have to do exciting things and pose in front of nice green thorn bushes to tempt you to take their picture. Their PR should tell them to hide out a bit more like the kudu then you'd be happier to see them!

Mama Warthog is ready for her close up. She doesn't know she's ugly as sin....she thinks she's pretty damn hot. She certainly posed for pictures willingly enough!

I'm aware that I've forgotten a lot of the knowledge about myself and my trials with food and exercise which I thought I'd learnt so securely last summer. Over the last few days I've been reflecting about how I've allowed myelf to get fat (not totally fat but heading that way) again and I decided to do what my old self would have told me to do:

• Keep busy


• Read my blog and post regularly


• set mini targets for myself even just on a day by day basis

So I read some old posts from last summer and I was shocked by how controlled and sensible I had been. But, conversely, I remembered that I had felt out of control and nervy. I think that has been a large part of the problem. I have not had any faith in myself (probably wisely given my history) but this has meant that every time I've gained a little weight, instead of just reining in a bit and doing more exercise, I've panicked, felt that I'm failing, let myself fail a little more and then rushed into another diet. But the diets have been grudging, like "Oh, this is not fair, I've done this already, why am I here again??!" Stamps foot and slams door on the way out.

I have to face up to the fact that this is not easy. Although dropping the weight on LL was relatively easy, I didn't have to face the grief of changing my whole lifestyle then. Some people did do that, and have changed and have not gained a load of the weight they rid themselves of. I did not. I just gradually went back to the way I had been before. Oh, not as bad, a lot more exercise and less drink and slightly less food but basically the same as before.

What was I thinking? It has to change and I have to make it happen. No more looking outside to give me the answers. I have to own this issue and not run from it.

I could have wept (did a bit) when I read one particular post from before last Christmas. I really thought I had it sorted and so many people commented on how much I had helped them and been an inspriation.... yadayadyada Well, I feel like a fraud now. Not for long. I will be an inspiration again and I will get this sorted.

Here's pledging.