I started the day well with another loss showing on the scales but then mucked it up pretty quickly by forgetting my packs for work. I don't have breakfast until I get to work so this was bad news. With my french class, I don't usually get home until 8pm on a Tuesday and would be struggling without eating anything all that time.
Especially as I had a meeting planned to include a site visit of a 300 acre site and the adjacent Country Park which would involve at least an hour of clambering around the site to see it from several angles and climbing hills etc to get views of the whole development area!!
In the end I decided I needed something and bought a Slimfast meal replacement bar from Boots. It was 200 calories and like a rice crispie type bar with chocolate on the bottom. I must say it was absolutely delicious and seemed to go on forever, really substantial and chewy. Way better than our bars!! Anyway, that tided me over until the evening when I had 3 packs almost together and felt pretty stuffed! The site walkaround was fairly strenuous and the meeting after intense, both of which would have been awful on a totally enpty stomach so I'm pleased I ate. I feel I made the right decision for me, even though it's not strictly the LL way.
So, if that was all hunky dory, why did I have a large cappucino at the motorway service station where I stopped to do my french homework on the way to french?? I didn't really need it, I was hungry but not ravenous and had previously resisted temptation several times at that very cafe. I think it was the break from routine, the idea that I'd been good and deserved it etc etc. Grrr
Still, I managed not to have any of the goregous looking cakes or pastries there and, even though I was there for well over an hour doing my prep, didn't have seconds, just a bottle of water. So not all bad.
French was fun as ever and D was back early so we could watch a film together so the rest of the day was pretty good.
When I was heavy, I would never believe that the day would come when I would hear D tell me that I have lost enough weight and that I'm in danger of getting too thin!! Well, he did last night!! I think he's wrong, actually but it was nice to hear. We had a good chat about it and realistically I think I only have the 10/12lbs (depending on what I lose at my next weigh in) to lose taking me to 10 stone 10 on the LL scales or 10 stone 5 at home in the morning (my preferred measure). I have decided NOT to go any further (as I mentioned in a post a couple of days ago) but do want to be dead in the middle of size 12 and to have a few lbs wriggle room too, hence I'm sticking it out for another 2 or 3 weeks. I think you're right Chris - don't want to look gaunt or too boney.
So - bar the mystery cappucino - not too bad a day.
Wednesday, 8 August 2007
Monday, 6 August 2007
New Start 36 - sunny evening run to Abney
Well, thank God the scales have relented and shown a small loss this morning - just 2lbs down but they're moving again. I feel a lot thinner so suspect it was water retention. Actually that makes sense as I was drinking like a camel all weekend but not peeing like a horse (sorry to be so indelicate!!).
I had a good day at work and nipped out at lunchtime for some desperately needed work clothes. I bought a pair of size 12 black tailored work shorts in DP's along with 2 size 12 tops (one a fitted white blouse with puffed sleeves - very french looking and the other a pretty red tee with sort of ruched neckline). It's nice to be able to dress in a really feminine way now - I used to shy away from too fitted styles and everything I wore was really simple as I thought too much decoration looked terrible on my heavy figure. Now I can get away with all sorts. I'm never going to be a frilly girly girl but love that I can try new stuff and wear tight fitting clothes without worrying about lumps and bumps! Now I want to show off my waist and back and hips - well - everything really....I'm just a big show off...
Got home and had my now traditional lemon bar and coffee with D, sitting down by the pond. He's fitted the pump to the pond and is going to buy some fish this week - how exciting - real live fish - hope they last. He's also fitted a load of lights round the edge of the decking and on the bridge over the pond which will look great at night. Not sure how often we'll go down there in the dark but it sounds good!
I cooked him supper while he tidied up then went for a run. I fancied something a bit more adventurous than my usual local runs so deciided to head over the big hill to a pub called the Barrel at Bretton. It's a massive hill then a long downhill followed by another massive steep hill but there is a pub at the end of it! I knew I couldn't make it there and back so D said he'd pick me up and we'd have a drink.
Anyway, set off, got all the way up the hill (which is the one I did in the last run plus another 5/10 minutes of uphill on top!!) and made it all the way to the top without stopping. Was truly amazed. Trouble is - I think the excitement destroyed some brain cells 'cos I ended up taking the wrong path at the top so had to change my destination - luckily I found a pay phone to call D as there was no mobile signal up there. I ended up running along a gloriously sunny deserted back road for a few miles (mostly gently uphill) with Shelagh chasing hares and birds and having the time of her little doggie life alongside me. I met D at a gliding club right at the top of a beautiful hill overlooking a lovely valley.
It was a really special run for me as I got that runner's high thing I have only previosuly heard of, never experienced. I was gabbling like an idiot when D picked me up. I truly loved it and feel so fresh now that i an't belive I ran for an hour and 20 minutes including some serious hills. Next time want to go further - next time I will not take the wrong path!!
Anyway, was briefly tempted to eat when I got in - crooked thinking regarding treating/rewarding myself for such good run I suspect. I managed to distract myself by saying to myself that I could eat but only once I'd gone upstairs and downloaded my photos. Now, of course, I'm sitting at the computer posting this and have no desire to eat. Clever eh??
Have a great evening everyone.
New Start 35 - Golfing Sunday
What a fantastic day for a round of golf and all for chaaaairiddeee!!
I was up bright and early to iron my golfing gear and to rejoice in the fact that I can wear shorts and cute bright pink tee shirts rather than too tight trousers and dreary oversized men's polo shirts which are way too long and have sleeves that reach down to my elbows in order for the rest of the shirt to stretch over my huge belly!! Those days are gone, baby, long gone!
Met the lads at the club, took my camera and then didn't take a single shot - the boys aren't really into that sort of thing and I was concentrating on my swing so as not to let down the team.
We had a great day though - perfect weather, adequate but not scintillating golf and the Club raised over £13k for charity.
Normally D has a real chip on his shoulder about the golf club and, for various reasons, some of which are reasonable, has not set foot in it for over 10 years. This has been a bit of a bone of contention for me but I've let it lie. Well, yesterday I thought - sod it - I want him to join me and our friends for a simple meal and few drinks after the game (especially as I'd already paid for the meal in my ticket and I wasn't going to be eating it!) so I asked nicely but firmly for him to come along as a favour to me and to support me in the diet.
He was grumpy and resisted so I made it clear I was disappointed but left him to make the decision which, 5 minutes later, he duly did! It's another example of how I/we have changed through this diet. Now, I'm quite happy to stand up for myself and expect D to do the right thing - I don't get all emotional and teary about things. And it seems to work.
So - we had a really nice afternoon, sitting out on the patio quaffing down wine in the evening sunshine (well, sparkling water in my case) and chatting 'til the midges drove us to the pub. I went home then to water the plants. I was really pleased that D put his money where his mouth is and came through for me and he seemed to enjoy himself too. One less bone of contention from now on in I hope.
On the downside - I've been really good food and water wise over the last few days since my weigh in on Wedensday but the scales are showing NO signs of shifting at all. I've been cheesed off about it but have stuck to the system. Grrr I feel slimmer in my clothes but no lbs disappearing at all. I know a lot of you don't weigh yourselves as recommended but I find that I need to weigh myself every morning or otherwise I feel that I'm cutting myself off from the diet. It's just me.
The other thing to report is that I'm toying with the idea of trying to get to a slightly lower weight than my original target of 10 stone 10lbs. I know I was struggling last week so set myself 3 good weeks before Management irrespective of what I lost in that time. Having had a good weekend, I'm now thinking that I might want to stick it out for another few weeks and see what 9 stones something looks like!!! Not sure - it's just a tentative thought at the moment. Will see how the 3 weeks go before I commit to that!! Knowing me I'll have yo-yoed back to struggling next week - that seems to be the pattern.
I was up bright and early to iron my golfing gear and to rejoice in the fact that I can wear shorts and cute bright pink tee shirts rather than too tight trousers and dreary oversized men's polo shirts which are way too long and have sleeves that reach down to my elbows in order for the rest of the shirt to stretch over my huge belly!! Those days are gone, baby, long gone!
Met the lads at the club, took my camera and then didn't take a single shot - the boys aren't really into that sort of thing and I was concentrating on my swing so as not to let down the team.
We had a great day though - perfect weather, adequate but not scintillating golf and the Club raised over £13k for charity.
Normally D has a real chip on his shoulder about the golf club and, for various reasons, some of which are reasonable, has not set foot in it for over 10 years. This has been a bit of a bone of contention for me but I've let it lie. Well, yesterday I thought - sod it - I want him to join me and our friends for a simple meal and few drinks after the game (especially as I'd already paid for the meal in my ticket and I wasn't going to be eating it!) so I asked nicely but firmly for him to come along as a favour to me and to support me in the diet.
He was grumpy and resisted so I made it clear I was disappointed but left him to make the decision which, 5 minutes later, he duly did! It's another example of how I/we have changed through this diet. Now, I'm quite happy to stand up for myself and expect D to do the right thing - I don't get all emotional and teary about things. And it seems to work.
So - we had a really nice afternoon, sitting out on the patio quaffing down wine in the evening sunshine (well, sparkling water in my case) and chatting 'til the midges drove us to the pub. I went home then to water the plants. I was really pleased that D put his money where his mouth is and came through for me and he seemed to enjoy himself too. One less bone of contention from now on in I hope.
On the downside - I've been really good food and water wise over the last few days since my weigh in on Wedensday but the scales are showing NO signs of shifting at all. I've been cheesed off about it but have stuck to the system. Grrr I feel slimmer in my clothes but no lbs disappearing at all. I know a lot of you don't weigh yourselves as recommended but I find that I need to weigh myself every morning or otherwise I feel that I'm cutting myself off from the diet. It's just me.
The other thing to report is that I'm toying with the idea of trying to get to a slightly lower weight than my original target of 10 stone 10lbs. I know I was struggling last week so set myself 3 good weeks before Management irrespective of what I lost in that time. Having had a good weekend, I'm now thinking that I might want to stick it out for another few weeks and see what 9 stones something looks like!!! Not sure - it's just a tentative thought at the moment. Will see how the 3 weeks go before I commit to that!! Knowing me I'll have yo-yoed back to struggling next week - that seems to be the pattern.
Sunday, 5 August 2007
New Start 34 - Busy Saturday
This is a middle of the night quickie just to record the feeling of sucking up the hunger and the pangs of deprivation and getting on with life!!
I've had a really busy day today - jogged first thing, then Bradwell Carnival (2 hours chatting and watching the floats and standing around outside a pub).
After that I was REALLY grumpy - felt tired, hungry, pissed off and not looking forward to the barbeque and party we had still to attend.
D was great and cheered me up no end so I rallied.
Then a barbeque which was really hard. I managed to limit the damage to 4 tiny mouthfuls of meat and a strawberry which I take as a major sucess. I even had fun drinking my soup and nibbling my bar while everyone else tucked in big style.
Finally we ended up at the pub's official new tenants' opening party - goregous caribbean food, a karaoke and a big gang of increasingly drunk locals. The food was calling to me but I stuck it out and stuck to the water and a black coffee. I even sang in the karaoke (totally stone cold sober!!). It was only at 1am that I dragged D home and realised that, apart from a few pangs and a grumpy spell in the middle, I have actually had a really good day. Sometimes the dread of feeling deprived is worse than the actual feeling of being deprived.
So - I'm knackered but I just wanted to get this feeling down in writing to remind myself about it later. Also - I had so many compliments this evening you wouldn't believe and D is just smitten (takes me back to being 19 again!). So - I CAN stick this out for another 3 or 4 weeks and get down to my original goal. I can and will!
Night night all.
I've had a really busy day today - jogged first thing, then Bradwell Carnival (2 hours chatting and watching the floats and standing around outside a pub).
After that I was REALLY grumpy - felt tired, hungry, pissed off and not looking forward to the barbeque and party we had still to attend.
D was great and cheered me up no end so I rallied.
Then a barbeque which was really hard. I managed to limit the damage to 4 tiny mouthfuls of meat and a strawberry which I take as a major sucess. I even had fun drinking my soup and nibbling my bar while everyone else tucked in big style.
Finally we ended up at the pub's official new tenants' opening party - goregous caribbean food, a karaoke and a big gang of increasingly drunk locals. The food was calling to me but I stuck it out and stuck to the water and a black coffee. I even sang in the karaoke (totally stone cold sober!!). It was only at 1am that I dragged D home and realised that, apart from a few pangs and a grumpy spell in the middle, I have actually had a really good day. Sometimes the dread of feeling deprived is worse than the actual feeling of being deprived.
So - I'm knackered but I just wanted to get this feeling down in writing to remind myself about it later. Also - I had so many compliments this evening you wouldn't believe and D is just smitten (takes me back to being 19 again!). So - I CAN stick this out for another 3 or 4 weeks and get down to my original goal. I can and will!
Night night all.
Friday, 3 August 2007
New Start 33
A quiet day at work but sticking well to the diet. Very hungry when I got home but had a bar and chocolate pack in coffee together which seems to have shut that up. It was lovely actually, sitting down by the pond with D eating lemon biscuits and drinking chocolatey coffee - mmmm felt almost normal!!
At the back of our garden is our neighbours' tennis court and behind that is their riding arena (we are very much the poor relations in this neighbourhood!!). It is nice at the moment though sitting out in the evening watching the neighbours' 4 year old daughter have her first few riding lessons. Our neighbour Sarah is a very keen and talented horsewoman who has represented UK in 3 day eventing so it's no surprise that she's starting her son and daughter off early but we have been surprised how seriously little Ellie takes her lessons. The teacher is an older bloke who also coaches Sarah and is really tough with her and seems pretty tough on Ellie too although very encouraging as well. She grins from ear to ear as she pounds round the arena in rising trot and takes little jumps in her stride - it's really cute to watch.
I think we're both getting broody....
Then there's the France thing. We subscribe to a magazine called Living France (actually my parents' Christmas gift to D for the year) and each month, when it arrives, we spend ages inching our way through it - reading all the articles and examining every single house ad. We've definitely got the bug. One arrived today so, while I cooked D supper (just spag bol) we read it together and mentally added a few hundred thousand to our budget so we could afford the Chateau in the Loire valley or the turreted mansion in the Auvergne. Actually we just about can afford the turreted place in Auvergne so we'd better get our skates on before it goes....!
We went for a walk round the river afterwards so Shelagh could have a swim and, on the way back, found a big, almost emprty field which had just been mowed. The swallows were flying low catching bugs and Shelagh went crazy chasing them. It's great to watch - there's no way she's coming back to us until she's exhausted; she just races round and round the field chasing the birds and yippings at them - all you can hear is this little high pitched yip yip yip as she races past. Really beautiful and free. The last photo of me has Shelagh in the backround racing around - the little dot!!
Anyway, she's totally knackered out now and sleeping like a dead dog...that's her done for the day.
Me too - I'm off to the pub!!
Thursday, 2 August 2007
New Start 32 (ii) - Bakewell Show
I was working from home this morning but off this afternoon and we headed up to the Bakewell Show. I've never been but it was a lovely afternoon just wandering round the stands with the dog. Foodwise a bit of a 'mare - I associate agricultural shows with burgers, pork sandwiches, fudge, ice creams and all other manner of goodies. Today, though, I was very good. Black coffee, water and my sole sin was a single grape.
I must credit D with being very helpful though - he would normally have had some sort of burger and an ice cream but he confined himself to a cappucino when I had my coffee and a glass of fresh fruit so I wasn't confronted with too much temptation.
It was retail heaven though. I bought a suede hat (like an Ozzie Akubra but much cheaper!); a 3 foot high metal heron to stand next to the pond (gorgeous); and, best of all, a photo session at a Venture Studio.
I've been trying to think of something I'd like as a treat to mark the end of my diet. Something like a piece of jewelry or a picture. My sister and a few friends have had sessions at a Venture photographic studio and ended up with some lovely photos and that has been on my list for a while now. I know they're a bit cliched but the finished and framed shots can look really stunning and the dog'll be a star! D is NOT a man who likes having his photo taken and, frankly, this sounds like his worst nightmare. He's just not the sort of bloke who'll relax and lark around in that sort of setting so I know it took a great deal for him to say yes when I turned to him in front of the saleslady, with big brown puppydog eyes and said "can we??" - but - the man from Ireland - he say YES!
We got a good Show discount too so, sometime in the next 3 months, we'll be off to have our piccies taken and I really hope they come out well.
What else? We chatted to quite a few of our mates who had stands down there. Checked out some lovely garden furniture (we're so close...!) and a few other, duller to me but really exciting to D, house-y type things like roof insulation and Kubota digger parts...well, honestly...!
So - another lovely day. I hope this one doesn't turn to ratshit like the last one ('scuse the language - I picked that charming phrase up off D who I think got it from the Glaswegian guys on the rig - expressive eh?)....!
PS. Sos, no piccies. I carried my heavy great camera round all day but there were so many people there it was too much effort to take anything. Shelagh behaved like a princess and was duly rewarded with a swimathon in the river on the way back to the car but I still didn't take any - I should have got one of me modelling my new hat!! D says next year I'm getting some johdpurs and riding boots....I don't ride but hey...who cares!!
I must credit D with being very helpful though - he would normally have had some sort of burger and an ice cream but he confined himself to a cappucino when I had my coffee and a glass of fresh fruit so I wasn't confronted with too much temptation.
It was retail heaven though. I bought a suede hat (like an Ozzie Akubra but much cheaper!); a 3 foot high metal heron to stand next to the pond (gorgeous); and, best of all, a photo session at a Venture Studio.
I've been trying to think of something I'd like as a treat to mark the end of my diet. Something like a piece of jewelry or a picture. My sister and a few friends have had sessions at a Venture photographic studio and ended up with some lovely photos and that has been on my list for a while now. I know they're a bit cliched but the finished and framed shots can look really stunning and the dog'll be a star! D is NOT a man who likes having his photo taken and, frankly, this sounds like his worst nightmare. He's just not the sort of bloke who'll relax and lark around in that sort of setting so I know it took a great deal for him to say yes when I turned to him in front of the saleslady, with big brown puppydog eyes and said "can we??" - but - the man from Ireland - he say YES!
We got a good Show discount too so, sometime in the next 3 months, we'll be off to have our piccies taken and I really hope they come out well.
What else? We chatted to quite a few of our mates who had stands down there. Checked out some lovely garden furniture (we're so close...!) and a few other, duller to me but really exciting to D, house-y type things like roof insulation and Kubota digger parts...well, honestly...!
So - another lovely day. I hope this one doesn't turn to ratshit like the last one ('scuse the language - I picked that charming phrase up off D who I think got it from the Glaswegian guys on the rig - expressive eh?)....!
PS. Sos, no piccies. I carried my heavy great camera round all day but there were so many people there it was too much effort to take anything. Shelagh behaved like a princess and was duly rewarded with a swimathon in the river on the way back to the car but I still didn't take any - I should have got one of me modelling my new hat!! D says next year I'm getting some johdpurs and riding boots....I don't ride but hey...who cares!!
New Start 31 and 32 - weigh in of doom....!
Actually not too bad. Another lbs crept off although think the scales were being kind. It would have been a disaster if I hadn't dragged my carcass round the streets of Rotherham for a lunchtime run in the sun though so I feel that I averted a gain only my the skin of my teeth (!).
Having said that, in my weird roller coaster world, I now feel totally positive and focused. Food is not an issue even though I'm working from home today and I had a perfectly pure day yesterday.
After work and weigh in I went to the pub to pick up D and had a quick drink with the lads. It's strange that their appreciation of my diet has changed subtly over the last couple of weeks. Now I seem to changed from "a friend of theirs who has lost a load of weight - Hoorah" to "a woman whose figure I'm going to check out at every opportunity". I quite like it but note that there is a bit less eye contact with them now when they're congratulating me - a bit more "checking out" going on... I suppose I'm more sensitive to these things because I've always been one of the lads and spend a lot of time in the pub with a lot of blokes. I've noticed that I'm definitely in the woman category rather than the mate category now (although there is obviously overlap and I'm not saying I'm not a mate any more etc etc). I've just noticed a subtle change in their attitudes to me. And these are not just youngish men - it's the full ranges from 20's to 70's. Definitely different.
A very PC/Guardian reader type local friend of mine (who I don't see often due to his not being out that much since he had kids) after a few pints, tried to explain. It went along the lines of "before, it was an achievement, like passing an exan or something - now, I feel like I'm admiring your body and feel a bit "creepy" doing it"!! Others are less PC and therefore clearly feel less "creepy"!
Not complaining and I know D is quite relaxed about it as not the jealous type I've just noticed the change. One of the women in my group said something similar - how her drining pals have stopped letting her go up to the bar to buy her round and she has to fight to buy a round, whereas before she lost the 10 stone (yes, really!!) it was apparently fine..
Yesterday I was wearing my working armour of fitted black pencil skirt and fitted chinese style short sleeve shirt and, due to looking totally different from my usual outdoorsy sporty -girl wear, got loads of comments. Felt a bit weird....in a good kind of way.
Anyway, enough of that stuff.
D and I had a really good chat about the stuff that was freaking me out on Tuesday night. Dad rang back about Mum and she has sorted something out to wear so that's less of a problem - she's also sorted her hair out which was upsetting Dad. So, that's back to being under control (although obviously one to watch for the future).
I went through all the things I've got coming up which have been preying on my mind and we worked out a plan to deal with them. The upshot is that I'm clearing the decks for the next 3 weekends. I realise that I'm more fragile than I was before we went to Canada. The genie is out of the bottle on the cheating front and I have to protect the diet as I did at the very beginning. It's upsetting me not making progress so I need to prioritise the diet over the rest of my life for the next few weeks until I get into Management.
Unfortunately, this means that I have to cancel a weekend with friends which I was looking forward to. I haven't seen them for over a year and they are good mates. Still, I wouldn't have enjoyed it as I either would have eaten and felt bad or not eaten and felt grumpy and deprived so I've cancelled and they'll have to understand. Another time, when I can eat and drink and really enjoy it, it will be better.
This means that D can go fishing with the lads after all (he had nobly chosen to come to see my friends with me even though they're not his first choice for company - gold star duly awarded!). When we talked it through though, I thought he'd be overjoyed at my change of heart and jump at the chance of the fishing trip but, perversely, he said he didn't want to leave me!!! Daft or what? Anyway, he's going now and will have a great time. I've got a (manageable) party locally to go to on the Friday and my Mum and Dada are passing through their way to and from their party so I'll be fine and will have a nice quiet, diet-conscious weekend!
So - many things resolved in my head and I feel calmer and less stressy.
D is all over me and I'm beginning to 'feel' it back. I've been happy about the love and attention but still stressy - now it's sinking in how great it all is. So all is sunny in the garden again......phew!
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