Feeling The Fear But Doing It Anyway

I think that was a self-help book title from a while back?? Never read it but I agree with the message behind the title at least. In fact last year, around the time when I was leaving D and setting up with Rich my tear-off desktop calendar, which has a quotation or saying for each day (mostly rubbish ones), came up with this gem from Erica Jong:

"I have accepted fear as part of life, specifically the fear of change. I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says turn back."

It really struck a chord with me back on 3 September 2010. So much so that, when torn off, it did not make its way into the bin but was stuck up above my desk as a talisman, and is there still. I look at it less often now than I did in those scary days last autumn (especially as I hung the 2011 calendar on top of it!) but it has done its job. Just that random little phrase helped me stick to my decision and be less afraid of really moving on; made me feel less alone about being scared of change; made me realise that it is normal (especially for women) and that good things come from change as often as bad.

So, that Secret Santa gift of the desktop calendar (which I had been a little disappointed in to be honest) proved to be worth more than several sessions of counselling and a lot cheaper!! Who knew?

But anyway, back to my main point for today (if I can remember it). I'm feeling frightened (admittedly in a mild way) because I haven't weighed myself for 3 days now. I feel fat and out of control and fearful of what Tuesday's weigh in will bring. How bizarre is that?

Logically I tell myself that I'm no fatter than I was on Tuesday and I'm certainly not out of control. My food intake has been good and I exercised Wednesday, yesterday and will go for a run later today so no problems there. It is my chimp freaking out at my foiling her little game with the scales. She is acting up and making me insecure to try to scare me back to the scales. She knew how to deal with me when I was weighing myself every morning; what buttons to press to keep me eating a little too much and exercising a little less. At least now I recognise what is happening and have not given in to the stray, chimp generated, thoughts of taking the scales out from under the spare bed and "just seeing" how I'm getting on!! She's a wily one.

In other news, I cooked a meal for Rich and I and his half-brother and girlfriend on Wednesday night. Fully SW compliant and totally delicious. They did not even suspect that they had been SW'd! Cottage pie cooked with Fry Light, loads of veggies, no butter in the mash and strawberry and apricot pie cooked with sweetener not sugar. Same with the custard. I went very light on the pastry and custard and allowed syns for those but apart from that all good. I've always been suspicious about using canderel for cooking but, given that strawberries and apricots are quite sweet anyway, I only put a sprinkling on and it was gorgeous.

James is a notorious non-eater of veggies which horrifies me (how can you not eat vegetables?!) so I purposely loaded the cottage pie with carrots and celery which he happily munched down. It was only afterwards that his girlfriend (who had of course noticed) said "right, that's it, you've just happily eaten a load of veggies and had seconds so I'm going to do the same at home and you're not picking them out of the dishes I cook!" Fair enough. (Although I suspect she doesn't do much cooking from scratch, more of a ready meals and off to the gym sort of girl....miaow!)

Knowing that I was to be cooking a proper meal for supper I had changed my planned lunchtime jacket spud and beans/salad to a lighter option of seafood salad so I was ravenous by the time they finally arrived at 8.30pm! Family eh?! He needed some legal advice about an employment issue so I said pop over, and I'll cook you supper (thinking he'd split up from the girlfriend). "Great, but can we both come over (they're back together I see) and it'll be after Hannah's gym class is that ok"?! Grrrr So, not only did I cook, I had to wait to eat and then, after eating, had to start advising on legal issues and drafting letters for them. They didn't leave 'til after 11pm and that was only 'cos I chucked them out! Youth...they've got no idea. But I'm happy to help of course.

I really do like cooking for more than just Rich and I so I'm quite happy that we're going to do the same again next week (albeit I told them to come earlier!). It's a good excuse to plan and cook. This week I had no notice so it was simple but next week I might try something a little different, still simple but new....if I feel brave enough.....

It has been a week of Rich's family as his Mum came over for supper last night too! She is no trouble though so a sensible tea of lamb steaks, new potatoes and lashings of vegetables and me virtuously abstaining from the remains of the apricot and strawberry pie!! I always think you must be losing MORE weight when you sit and watch the offending item being scoffed by others....like you get a "credit" for the calories you've virtuously missed out on.....what do you reckon??!