Friday, 16 September 2011

Blue (although not anymore...)

I posted this entry yesterday but have only just spotted that it didn't publish so it's now out-of-date (thankfully). But, having typed it up, I may as well publish and be damned!!

How can that be?? I was happy, content, proud of myself yesterday and now I feel tired, blue and just generally under the weather. Not really physically although feeling grumpy usually adds extra weight to one's shoulders I find. Just out of sorts.

I'm ready for my holiday I suppose. And, as it approaches, feeling more aware of just how ready.

The catalyst was a silly, relatively inconsequential series of events between Rich and I yesterday evening and just before going to sleep. Nothing serious, no-one's fault, not even a row. But the issues weren't sorted out because it was late and we needed to sleep and therefore they must have festered away in my over-active brain, causing me to wake extra early for added festering time. I lay there, feeling achingly conscious that I would be tired all day if I didn't go back to sleep but unable to stop thinking about the problem, getting more and more frustrated and upset and working myself into a bad mood. He eventually woke up and cuddled me back to calmness but still the issues have not been spoken about. There just hasn't been time between getting to work and training for 7am.

And then this evening I have french straight from work and he is going out later. Then tomorrow he is going to Buxton to see the S*x Pistols (not sure if a sucessor band to the real band or a tribute act) and then we're on holiday.

I used to HATE the D approach to dealing with his issues (note - HIS issues, never mine) which comprised a simmering mood of tension which would build up over days, causing me to walk on egg shells for fear of causing it to erupt. Then the inevitable eruption at a moment which I could not predict as a result of a random trigger. Followed by an hour or so of vicious rowing, usually late at night and under the influence of drink (him, not me) almost always when I had work in the morning.

I am thankful that Rich is not like that. He often doesn't notice that there IS an issue but, when there is, is happy to talk. But he also adopts the "least said, soonest mended" avoidance/easy life tack. And he is not willing to talk things through late at night when we're tired or have had a drink. This all makes sense for the most part, but it can be frustrating when you just want to express yourself. I feel as though I can't always do it at the time when I'm most hurt/upset and then, if I want to talk it out, have to raise it at a time when we're happy and potentially spoil that evening as well. It probably wouldn't spoil it, as he does listen to anything I have to say, but I get stressed about raising things and don't always explain myself very well.

Hence the festering and the internal conversations building silly issues into something they are not and the resulting lack of sleep and therefore feeling cr*p. Blegh! Blegh blegh blegh....

It all goes back to my chimp - she is terrified of upsetting what she sees as her male "protector". Having a man around is extremely important to chimps and they will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting, angering and possibly losing them. This attitude is probably what allowed D to manipulate me into being such a doormat over so many years. That is not what is happening now but the vestiges of that behaviour are still there and I still find any differences or discord disproportionately unsettling.

I need to start to apply the management techniques I use on her re food and exercise on relationship (and work) matters as well.

I don't enjoy being an emotionally frail girlfriend and would much prefer being the strong, loving partner that Rich thinks I already am and would definitely much prefer!!

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