Wednesday, 26 August 2009
I look very clean and shiny here. I think I had just taken my waterproof off so my clothes underneath were reasonably clean. I looked like a muddy urchin by the time I got home - wet through and mudded up to the eyeballs. Had to stand in the kitchen and peel my kit off or would have destroyed the house!
You may have noticed that I tend to be a bit positive. I've been wondering whether this is a good thing (probably) or whether it might stop me facing up to things. Might some of the positivity actually be me not accepting that I have to act/change and putting on a false front?
Now, I'm pretty certain that most of it is genuine positivity but I also think I do sometimes hide behind the "Good News!" rather than facing stuff.
I used to have a friend in Uni (haven't seen her for decades but would like to (mental note - look up Sandra) and she used to say "Why are you always so cheerful?" You can't be happy all the time so some of the time you must be being fake. Why don't you live through the sadness and the depression as well as the happiness?" Or words to that effect. She was a bit moody herself...
I would reply that, of course I'm not always happy but I'd rather, at least with others, put on a brave face because usually that in itself is enough to turn the sadness into something better and, if it is just general low-level sadness/grumpiness/bad mood, why inflict it on everyone else?? If I was genuinely unhappy I would turn to friends of family for help.
So, it's habit I have obviously nurtured for many many years (at least 20).
And overall, it's a good one.
Take this evening for example. I am at that horrid TOTM when your stomach feels like a football and everything hurts. I could have stayed at home and caved, especially given the miserable rainy weather. But instead, knowing I would have difficulty motivating myself to do anything, I arranged to go out mountain bike riding with a mate. The first time we have been out riding together but hopefully not the last.
It was raining when we set off but cleared up after 10 minutes and left us cycling through the mud like 10 years olds. We were out for over an hour and now I feel sore, tired, a bit achy but I have a massive grin on my face. I still have a stomach like a football but I know that I haven't given in to it. And I've done something good for Amy too as she is trying to lose weight and get fit and needs some help herself.
So, I need to watch out for hiding behind the positivity but not forget how much good it brings me. Taking action as opposed to letting things happen passively is nearly always the right thing to do (at least for me).