Monday, 12 May 2008

It's been 2 weeks since my last confession....

Weight - 13 stone 4 lbs
Exercise - Ran up Win Hill
Avstinence - Good
Well - what a load of rubbish I was at that "big push"! I got very derailed after my big race and ended up gaining half a stone in a fortnight having been stable (albeit at too high a weight) for quite a long time. Worse still, D and I argued about it (like the bad old days). Worst yet, D revealed that he'd been reading my blog (but not in a nice way) so I kind of hid from everything for a while while I processed it all.

I have never hidden the blog and he's always known that I write one; it's on my favourites on our shared computer and, at the beginning, I even told him about it thinking he might pop in. But he didn't seem interested so I eventually concluded that it was my private space while acknowledging that he might pop in from time to time.

I have, however, come to use it as a sounding board and a place to be honest about my weight issues. Anyway, in the middle of a row about my weight (which came at me out of the blue as usual) he suddenly said that he'd read my blog and that I was lying to myself on it. It really really hurt and I felt that I couldn't come here for a while which left me a bit bereft and pretty rudderless to be honest. So - now D's back on the rig and I have to take stock of what I'm doing about my body and make some decisions.

I've got 2 1/2 weeks before D's sister's wedding in Ireland and I feel pretty damn fat. I'm 13 stone 4lbs which is 2 1/2 stone more than I was at my lightest. I'm a size 14/16 (more 16 than 14 at the mo) whereas I was a skinny 12 at my lightest. While I'm still training and running, the running is harder as I'm carrying more weight. I do not look as good in clothes and I don't have many clothes to wear seeing as I gave all my 16's away last summer, convinved that I wouldn't need them again (ha!).

What do I want? I want to lose a stone befroe the wedding. I then want to settle down and lose the other stone to end up in the low 11 stone range (10 stone something is jsut too hard for me to maintain and not particularly attractive on me - I like having breasts too much!!).

So, I started back on full abstinence this morning and I'm going to stick it out for the next 14 days. I've got a few packs left and a friend has given me her surplus CD packs (far too many Spicy Tomato for my liking but beggars can't be choosers!). I'm going to do a shed load of exercise and I'm going to suck up the pain for the next 2 weeks.

My mantra so far today has been - "I can do anything for a fortnight!".

I also ran up Win Hill tonight which was exhausting - it's a bloody big hill.

I'm going to try and post every day and give daily stats too.

I'm not going to concern myself with what D thinks if he's reading this. I'm as honest as I can be - if I occasionally put a positive gloss on something, that doesn't mean I'm lying to myself (or you), it may mean I'm looking for the good in the situation so as not to lose myself in the bad. Healthy I think. I need this space for myself and I'm buggered if a few nasty remarks in the middle of an argument are going to steal it from me.

I'm sorry I've not been there for anyone else for a while - hopefully I'll be a better blog pal soon and a less serious one too!!

Love and stuff!!


Mrs said...

Love and stuff right back at you.

Well done for getting back on the wagon - blog, food and the whole 9 yards.

Too much to say right now but you are not alone.

Pas de tout!

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cath said...

I'm so glad you're back and sounding so positive -- you so can do this, you know that, we know that and no matter what you will look bloody gorgeous, wedding or no wedding.

Re the reading of blogs - to be honest that's one of the reasons I stopped writing mine, had a feeling that someone close (not my husband though) was reading my posts on Minimins and my blog and it just didn't sit right with me ... now to be honest it would have been different if it had of been Ste but this person was using it for I don't know what reason?????

I agree that we're not always honest with ourselves in blogs, diaries, with friends/lovers, in life - that isn't lying to ourselves, I very much agree with you on that.... it is definitely putting a positive slant on it as if we say/write it then it's too real and knock us the other way etc - mostly I'd say it's something we've acknowledged to ourselves but we're just not ready to fully share, and that is just fine.

You stay strong Mrs!



shelley said...

Glad you're back, I was worried about ya.

Starvation though? I don't have the strenth to do that for two weeks, maybe two days. Well, hopefully those two weeks go by fast and you stay healthy!

Take care of yourself and keep checking in!

Ameythist said...

welcome back - I too stopped my blog because of the comments received it is a very personnal thing. Keep up the good work Lesley you have come so far and inspired so many
Luv Ameythist