Firewirks over Sydney Opera House

Firewirks over Sydney Opera House

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Am I still "me"??

We're back to Botswana - God I loved that place. Now that the nights are dark and it's cold and rainy I love the photos even more. the animals were amazing and the lovely dry heat....sigh... An African Fish Eagle

Male kudu
Baboons en masse at the river side - there must have been a hundred or more of them!

Pied kingfishers

warthogs often eat from their front knees - weird creatures!

We were caught up in a herd of elephants heading for the river at top speed - it was exciting but a little scary too when the adults fronted up to us to protect the babies!

This guy definitely had his scary face on!

Oxpicker on male impala

Ugly vulture - there were loads of them around here on the body of a dead elephant - the sky was black with them and marabou storks at one point.
female impala - so pretty

male warthogs rutting - spring is sprung etc

elegant male kudu

I read a comment from Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie on my last post which referred to something I said in a very early post - it must be from March 2007!!! She had gone back and read my early posts for background - very diligent eh?! Anyway, in this old post, I was talking about how people had reacted to my going on a diet and starting to lose serious weight. Most were positive but some expressed concerns and doubts and one, my friend Andy, said that he was worried I wouldn't be "me" if I lost weight.

So, in her comment, Debbie asked me if I thought I was still "me" after all this time (and weight) has passed and if not, who am I??

It's set me thinking which is excellent news, so thanks Debbie. The short answer is that I'm not the same person that Andy was speaking to all those years and months ago. I feel like a totally different person since Lighter Life ended and often think of my pre-LL self in the third person (bizarrely). I feel sometimes sad for "her"; proud of "her"; occasionally ashamed of "her"; occasionally frustrated for and by "her". It's weird. I know the past is a foreign country but this is full-on space travel - as though I moved out of one body and mind and into another but took a lot of the furniture and decorations with me.

So, I do feel as though I'm not that "me" anymore. (By the by, I suspect Andy would agree with me that this is NOT a bad thing.)

That's how I feel but I suspect the truth is a lot simpler. Although I think I'm totally different, I suspect the person I am now is the person I always was but without all the coping mechanisms and disguises I had learned to apply to my fat-girl self.

I suspect that my friends see some changes but not nearly as many as I do. I was much more of a people pleaser then, reluctant to turn others down, always arranging things and taking on responsibility for things. Now, I'm happy to arrange an outing or event once in a while but don't feel I need to do it to earn friendship or respect. I used to be always bubbly and "up", always wore make-up and dressed smartly. Now, I'll do that if I feel like it but if I don't want to go out or, if I'm out and don't feel like being the life and soul, I'm happier to sit back and feel confident that this won't affect whether people "like" me or not.

Also, a lot of people have been asking me recently whether the TV programme "worked". Which is very tricky to answer. Short answer - I lost one and a half stone and I'm less miserable now, so yes. Long answer - the proof of the pudding is in the eating. I have not managed to lose any weight since the programme finished filming. Well, I had lost a few lbs but a couple of bad weeks have reversed that. So that means that I have maintained my weight for 4 months. Not bad. I seem to be less up and down. Bad times are fewer and of a shorter duration. Exercise is a LOT more consistent. Weighing myself is less daunting and less fraught with anxiety and potential depression. Weight is not such a personal test of sucess or failure; it's just something I need to keep on top of. I'm happier.

So, even by the long route, the answer has to be a heartfelt "Yes, the TV programme did work" with a big caveat "so far". I'm being vigilant to make sure bad weeks like the last couple don't happen often and are soon ended.

When I say "bad", it's all relative. I still did exercise, just less than I usually do. I ate too much, extras here and there but not packets of biscuits or binges or anything. Anyway, I'm going to be blogging a lot more too as a bad week is worse if I don't sit down here and think about things. But for now - I'm off to the pub quiz!!


Milly said...

Hi Lesley, I found your blog through googling Steve Peters chimp & I have read the lot! I am interested in knowing more about it & I have learnt more from your blog than I did from the program so hope he does some more public work. I really enjoyed the programme & I feel as though knowing I have a 'chimp' has set me free & allowed me to forgive myself for failing 'as I saw it' in the area of weight control.
I think you have done amazingly well over the last few years, I could never stick to a VLCD. Your achievement since the programme of maintaining your weight is great & I think that does show that the programme did work for you as it wasn't a short term fix & probably in time you will lose more. Anyway I'll stop waffling! Just wanted to let you know I really enjoyed reading your blog & will continue to read & that you have inspired me to get my backside off the sofa & move more! Take care & keep blogging. Milly

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Thanks for the lovely post, Lesley! I had an inkling that you were sort of the new version of "you", but also more authentically yourself. I am so happy for you, and that Andy had nothing to worry about.

I like the "Bring It On" in your title. It makes me think "Yeah, bring it on!" too.