Monday, 18 July 2011

Baaaaaaad Day

Minty met a cat....but, for change she did not go mental and chase it five miles down the road. No idea why, maybe being enclosed in an alley way...

The cat was not happy but perhaps saw a way out...Shelagh looked on, unimpressed!
Clever things, cats - Minty'll never get her there!
Haaaaa ha ha ha ha ha - ner ner ner ner ner......

We’ve all had them but sometimes they arrive when you’re already feeling blue and sad so you’re particularly weak and defences are low. Well, that’s what happened today.

We’d had a weekend of nothing much happening. I had been brooding over feeling neglected by Rich – nothing major, just felt like he wasn’t showing me much attention when I needed some attention. I knew I was overreacting which is why I didn’t say anything for a while but, once the feeling started to fester, I did say something and then wished I’d raised it sooner and not let it taint my whole weekend. So then I’m feeling grumpy about that as well.

I’m sure part of it was just me feeling out of sorts and wanting him to somehow guess how I felt and wave a magic wand to make me feel better. I feel blue so rarely that I’m not very good at coping with it. And also it was a pretty miserable weekend weather-wise – not too bad on Saturday but solid rain nearly ALL day on Sunday - harrumph. As you know, I like my exercise and the great outdoors so felt very deprived.

While I know that part of my impression was right – he hadn’t been very affectionate or attentive over the weekend. But, being fair, part was me building it up in head. He noticed on Saturday evening that I was bored and grumpy so suggested that we went to the cinema. We ended up taking his mum to see Harry Potter. He later said he felt bad ‘cos perhaps we should have had the time together but I like his mum so that wasn’t the problem. The problem really is me not articulating what I want and Rich, being a bloke, trundling along taking the easy life. It’s just that, sometimes, you want them to SEE that you need attention, to WANT to be romantic, not to do something just ‘cos you ask them to.

And I care about him, us, so much that I don’t want just to let things slide. I want to make things brilliant again.

I have a terrible habit of thinking too much. I get an idea in my head and then start to plan something and then, if the plan doesn’t come off, I get disproportionately disappointed and all the time, Rich doesn’t even know what is going on… Aaaargh.

So, I came to work this morning feeling as though the weekend had been a bust and feeling really stupidly sad about that. For crying out loud, nothing bad happened. Rich has not done anything wrong, he’s just been a bit lazy if anything. When I told him how I felt we didn’t have a row, lots of kisses and cuddles. Hopefully I’ll learn to say something sooner and at a better time of day (not just before bed!) and he’ll learn to pick up the hints a bit quicker.

The trouble is, I came to work in that frame of mind and walked into a sh*t storm! When I’d been working from home on Friday accusations had been flying around about me delaying a matter. They were totally unfair in that I wasn’t even dealing with the matter but, by the time this had been corrected, the damage is done and all sorts of other things are being brought into the mix by bosses who haven’t bothered to check their facts. Work is pretty torrid at the moment but I don’t think I earn enough to have to put up with this rubbish. My immediate boss has been very supportive but it leaves such a nasty taste in your mouth. Now I feel unappreciated at home and work! Excellent.

The cr*p at work has, however, overshadowed the angst of home so I’ll go home, have a good cry on Rich’s shoulder and hopefully turn up to work tomorrow some more in a more robust frame of mind.

I even thought about missing dancing tonight. Rich asked what I wanted to do and suggested going out for a bite to eat together instead. But I then thought dancing would be the perfect distraction. A physical task, bodily contact, concentration, release of adrenaline. Better than eating or drinking my way through my pain.

This morning, at the height of the storm I was RAVENOUS. I stuffed my sandwiches into my face bang on the dot of 12. I was clearly suppressing the anxiety of the situation with food which is very retrograde behaviour. But, the positive thing to note is that I didn’t go on to eat any more and I’ve been very restrained today overall. Not only that but my weekend of restraint has yielded a slightly lower weight this morning too. So, that’s my one teeny tiny positive for the day!

Actually I've had a much better evening than I thought. I nearly didn't but eventually agreed to go to dancing and I'm so glad we did. Even on the drive into Sheffield I started to relax and the minute we got going on the cha cha the horribleness of my day just disappeared. Rich was a star, kept me going thru the lapses in concentraiton and just stared into my eyes all the way through the cha cha, the samba, the rumba (which I swear he loves - those hips are not wiggling by accident), the foxtrot (fiendishly difficult) and the waltz.

Then, instead of heading home and leaving him to his darts match, I stopped into the pub with him. It's normally a bit of a lads' night out and tonight was no exception as it was just the 2 teams, me and the landlord. But I didn't care. I wanted to be out and I had a good laugh and a good chat with the boys. I left before the end though as I was starving and wanted to get back to my computer! What a grudge match!! Top versus second in the table and I left it at 4-3 up. Rich's team has the advantage though as their run-in is much easier. I fully intended to leave after a pint but the matches were so absorbing that I ended up staying for 6, matches that is, only 2.5 slowly supped pints!!

So - I'm a happy girl again (until work starts again tomorrow). Thank God for that - I hate feeling miserable.

1 comment:

Claire said...

Glad you found a route out of that. Works sounds a pain in the bum. Attention at home wise - I just tell lovely fella I need fuss when I need it. That works. Anyway glad you are feeling better xxx