Friday, 18 January 2008
Time to face the music!
I've been meaning to do a proper post for a while but have been putting it off. I've gained weight, proper weight and for the first time since I finished development back in September, I don't feel slim any more. I've also been nervous of getting on the scales and 'fessing up (to you and me both!) to exactly how much I've gained. It's been exacerbated by being ill after Christmas and not being able to exercise and feeling rubbish so I know I am a bit higher than I would have been without that, BUT, the fact remains that I have gained weight and I'm not anywhere near as slim as I was.
So - how bad is it? You ask. (I assume you do anyway as I certainly would want all the gory details if it was one of you!) See how I avoid the question, even now....
Well - at my slimmest at the end of August on my home scales, I got down to 10 stone 10 although I think 10 stone 12 was a more accurate total as the 10.10 was fleeting to say the least!! As of this morning, I weighed in at 12 stone 11!!! So, a smidgeon over 2 stone on.
What do I want to be?? I don't know. In an effort to find out, I have been scouring my photographic records and I would welcome your thoughts too.
I wanted to post a "before" picture from last Christmas but, as I was so fat and so upset about it, there are hardly any photos of me. That is partly because I avoided the camera and was taking most of the pictures and partly because my family, husband and inlaws presumably did not want to take pictures of me at that great size! Honestly - I'm not dissing myself for effect, they probably thought it would embarass or upset me. Also at that stage I hadn't started the blog so wasn't recording my bulk for posterity.
So the top picture was taken on a walk in November 2006. I was huge! In my defence I had just walked up a massive hill and been out in the cold all afternoon so I was game for a fat bird!
The next picture is of me and my friend Shelley in August 2007 at my slimmest weight. That was the 10 stone 10 day! I like! I really like my flat tum and slimmish legs. I don't think I look gaunt round the face but LOADS of friends and colleagues have since said that I went too far at this weight and that I looked old and drawn. I really don't see it. Do you?
The final one is of me taken last weekend on the top of Win Hill. I haven't got any decent piccies with less bulky clothes but you get the idea. I'm still in size 14 trousers and 12 tops but, being honest, the 12 tops are a big snug and even my size 14 M&S suit skirt is definitely on the tight side although still wearable. I have put it on on thighs, bum and lower belly and feel lardy to say the least.
So, where do I want to end up? You know what?? Having looked at theses piccies, I want to go ALL the way back down. I LIKED me as a skinny size 12 with cheekbones and collar bones and no tum and thinnish thighs. I don't care about the friends and collagues who say I was too thin because I don't think I was. So - 10 stone something here I come! I have some lovely skinny clothes which I only wore for a couple of months before they got too tight - I'd like to give them an airing for spring and I would like to be slender for summer and my (very slim) sister-in-law's wedding in Ireland at the end of May. Not least 'cos I'll also be meeting my brother-in-law's ober-glamorous English girlfiend who he's met out in Oz and who looks like a proper blonde bombshell in all the bikini pics he's sent over!!! Don't want to be the fat English girl!
How am I going to do it? Aaaah - there's the rub. Not sure. At the moment, I'm just cutting back, using a couple of packs here and there and watching what I eat while re-introducing exercise after my mini break. I will give that a go to get the first roll of fatness off but suspect that I will need more structure as time goes on. Slimming World? Online weight loss diary? Personal trainer's plan? All options.
I'm going to reintroduce my ticker (or a new one maybe) and have weekly weigh ins. Not sure how LL is going to fit into all this. Feel the need to cut the ties a bit as it does generate feelings of guilt and shame in me (strangely) which I'm not sure is helpful and also I don't really get on with the the LLC and find the trip over there annoying and inconvenient. We'll see. I still haven't given up on the idea of abstinence if I do not suceed on my own so I may be eating my words (but no food!) in a couple of weeks time. Watch this space.