Friday, 18 January 2008

Time to face the music!

I've been meaning to do a proper post for a while but have been putting it off. I've gained weight, proper weight and for the first time since I finished development back in September, I don't feel slim any more. I've also been nervous of getting on the scales and 'fessing up (to you and me both!) to exactly how much I've gained. It's been exacerbated by being ill after Christmas and not being able to exercise and feeling rubbish so I know I am a bit higher than I would have been without that, BUT, the fact remains that I have gained weight and I'm not anywhere near as slim as I was.

So - how bad is it? You ask. (I assume you do anyway as I certainly would want all the gory details if it was one of you!) See how I avoid the question, even now....

Well - at my slimmest at the end of August on my home scales, I got down to 10 stone 10 although I think 10 stone 12 was a more accurate total as the 10.10 was fleeting to say the least!! As of this morning, I weighed in at 12 stone 11!!! So, a smidgeon over 2 stone on.

What do I want to be?? I don't know. In an effort to find out, I have been scouring my photographic records and I would welcome your thoughts too.

I wanted to post a "before" picture from last Christmas but, as I was so fat and so upset about it, there are hardly any photos of me. That is partly because I avoided the camera and was taking most of the pictures and partly because my family, husband and inlaws presumably did not want to take pictures of me at that great size! Honestly - I'm not dissing myself for effect, they probably thought it would embarass or upset me. Also at that stage I hadn't started the blog so wasn't recording my bulk for posterity.

So the top picture was taken on a walk in November 2006. I was huge! In my defence I had just walked up a massive hill and been out in the cold all afternoon so I was game for a fat bird!

The next picture is of me and my friend Shelley in August 2007 at my slimmest weight. That was the 10 stone 10 day! I like! I really like my flat tum and slimmish legs. I don't think I look gaunt round the face but LOADS of friends and colleagues have since said that I went too far at this weight and that I looked old and drawn. I really don't see it. Do you?

The final one is of me taken last weekend on the top of Win Hill. I haven't got any decent piccies with less bulky clothes but you get the idea. I'm still in size 14 trousers and 12 tops but, being honest, the 12 tops are a big snug and even my size 14 M&S suit skirt is definitely on the tight side although still wearable. I have put it on on thighs, bum and lower belly and feel lardy to say the least.

So, where do I want to end up? You know what?? Having looked at theses piccies, I want to go ALL the way back down. I LIKED me as a skinny size 12 with cheekbones and collar bones and no tum and thinnish thighs. I don't care about the friends and collagues who say I was too thin because I don't think I was. So - 10 stone something here I come! I have some lovely skinny clothes which I only wore for a couple of months before they got too tight - I'd like to give them an airing for spring and I would like to be slender for summer and my (very slim) sister-in-law's wedding in Ireland at the end of May. Not least 'cos I'll also be meeting my brother-in-law's ober-glamorous English girlfiend who he's met out in Oz and who looks like a proper blonde bombshell in all the bikini pics he's sent over!!! Don't want to be the fat English girl!

How am I going to do it? Aaaah - there's the rub. Not sure. At the moment, I'm just cutting back, using a couple of packs here and there and watching what I eat while re-introducing exercise after my mini break. I will give that a go to get the first roll of fatness off but suspect that I will need more structure as time goes on. Slimming World? Online weight loss diary? Personal trainer's plan? All options.

I'm going to reintroduce my ticker (or a new one maybe) and have weekly weigh ins. Not sure how LL is going to fit into all this. Feel the need to cut the ties a bit as it does generate feelings of guilt and shame in me (strangely) which I'm not sure is helpful and also I don't really get on with the the LLC and find the trip over there annoying and inconvenient. We'll see. I still haven't given up on the idea of abstinence if I do not suceed on my own so I may be eating my words (but no food!) in a couple of weeks time. Watch this space.


beth said...

First of all, well done you for facing the music. It's so much easier to hide from the scale, say you'll wait until you have a couple of days of good eating under your belt, etc, isn't it?

As for getting all the way back down to your slimmest -- do you think you can maintain that without being miserable? Also, I am amazed as I get smaller (relatively) how a couple of pounds can make such a huge huge difference at this size. So you may find you don't need to go _all_ the way back down.

I concocted my own version of slimming world and was quite pleased with it (and continue to be so), so if you ever want to discuss... Good luck!

Ameythist said...

Hi Lesley well done for coming clean and being honest with yourself. I personnally put a stone on over the xmas festivities so I have started with the Cambridge diet for a month to lose my stone plus get to my original target of 10 stone my trouble was I got to 11 and family and friends were doing the ususal too much etc so this time I am doing it "my Way" total abstinence works for me Good luck which ever way you choose luv Ameythist xx

ThickChick said...

Wow.... those pictures are amazing Lesley!

As for facing the music and coming up with a plan... I don't know - we all have to find the right combination of this program or that for our own success.

Way to kick the guilt and shame to the curb - no one needs those unproductive feelings!

Cath said...

I'm so glad you've decided to do something about it now rather than later - you're one of the strongest people 'I know' and you can do this.

I think though you should go on the diet and see where you're at your happiest, what you were at your slimmest may be too slim for you to keep at you may find that you need 5 or 6lbs more to be able to stay at that comfortably and be happy.

Good luck - we're all behind you

Anonymous said...

You may not remember me but in the Summer I wanted to do 'Lighterlife' but my GP refused to allow me to do it. AFter some initial disappointment, I proceeded on my own sort of diet. I cut out all sugar and unneccessary fats (have to admit have never had too much of a sweet tooth but I did stop smoking two years ago and that didn't help the weight). I can't do a lot of exercise because of an illness but nevertheless I have lost about 35lbs (maybe a little more). I'm not obsessive about weighing myself day by day (twice a week max) and am eating a very healthy , balanced diet and eating basically what I want too but avoiding anything laden with fat or sugar AND no ready made meals at all.

I can't actually believe I am writing this on here today because over six months ago I thought LL was the only answer to losing some weight. I have no guilt feelings if I snack on something I fancy when I am out , I just include it in a relaxed calorie counting regime. I have a bit more weight to lose but obviously over the Chritsmas period I haven't lost any weight BUT more importantly have put no weight on whatsoever. My weight is stable and now I want to lose a bit more will monitor the calories a bit more tightly. I'm not sure what the answer is with diets etc but I do know, from what I have read on peoples blogs that LL isn't the permanent answer. In my view, you are bound to put on weight once you go back to normal food. Maybe the answer lies in changing your food habits and diet permanently , I'm just posting my rough ideas at the moment because I've read most of your blogs and Lesley's in particular inspired me tremendously even though LL wasn't for me. I think Lesley, you should pat ypurself on the back fo the fantastic achievement over 2007 and work out a healthy eating plan with your personal trainer or join somewhere like 'slimming world' to reduce any more weight. Better to do that than to keep relying on LL food replacements to starve your body, otherwise you may be doing that for the rest of your life. I also think that it's better to lose the weight slowly, over a period of time then you have a much better shance of maintaining a goal weight.

I'm relaxed about food, exercise and lifestyle now. I rarely eat in between meals and do eat healthily too.....I think elimiating all sugar (except for fruit) for a time does get rid of those cravings.....

I'm quite tired at the moment so I hope this post of mine reads ok. It's just meant to say what's been happening to me....Lizzy

Anonymous said...

p.s. apologies for typo's new computer and the wireless keyboard is to blame , honestly !

Sue said...

Hiya Lesley,

I sent you a post quite a few months back to thank you for sharing your weight loss story and how inspired I was by it. Well let me just say it again Thank you!

I've now lost 52 lbs and feel great!! I would occassionally check in to see how you were doing and was happy to read your progress. You've done fantastically well!!

I sort of stopped LL in November after foundation, I still go to the meetings weekly though and buy the packs but I haven't actually been following the diet. I eat, but the thing is now I don't eat as much. I weigh myself daily and I've not gained any weight, I've finally come to the conclusion that LL was great and it helped me to lose a significant amount of weight quickly, but now I have to learn to eat sensibly and know when to stop. Number of calories in larger than calories burned equals weight gain! Simple as that!

Know what, it doesn't matter that you've gained a bit of weight, the important thing is that you're monitoring your weight now and you know how to get it off. You're normal, and that's really what we all strive for. You still look great and you've achieved so much.

I still have about two stone to lose, but I think that I shall cut ties with LL now and try to lose it slowly (give my skin a chance to catch up!). Keep up your blogging, you're an inspiration to us all.

sue xox

Sandra said...

Long time no comment!

I know how you feel about the increasing waist, hip and thigh lines! That's exactly where my excess went on.

I have started Weight Watchers. I loved Slimming World when I did it before but this time I feel I need to address portion size and also have some freedom at mixing carbs and protein. It's been okay. I lost 4.5 lbs the first and nothing the next (had a hungry week and was over points all week). Still battling with that a bit.
I was tossing up a return to LL as a refresher but I really don't think I could do it again now. I cheated too much the first time round, I don't think I'd get through one day now!

Are you still running or has the illness knocked you back? I do think that is the key for you because you seemed to love it so much.

Good luck with whatever you decide to go on with!
Sandra XX

Peridot said...

Hi Lesley

I think only YOU can decide where you want to be ultimately. So don't listen to anyone else - they bring their own baggage to this.

Personally I don't think packs is a long term strategy - and doesn't marry up with your exercise either. Have you looked at the India and Neris Idiot Proof Diet? There's a forum online too which is always good for support ( That looks interesting.

I see you more as a Dietgirl type - exercise and sensible healthy eating. But again, you have to do what works best for you - we'll all support you whatever you decide.

Peridot x

Mrs said...

Dear Lesley

I've been pondering, pondering, pondering.

In the short term, you might like to look at the BodyDoctor book, which has a menu plan at the back. It's do-able. It's tasty. And it's meant to be done in conjunction with exercise.

Of course, any diet will work if you eat what's prescribed and when you are hungry but, for many of us LighterLifers, it isn't as straightforward as that.

I met someone who did the food diary and that helped them enormously; you can start to see patterns. Knowledge is power!

There's so much more to say.

I'm thinking...

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx