Sunday, 19 September 2010

Full Disclosure

Well, you know that me and D have split up and those of you with whom I'm in email contact know that I've been seeing someone else both before I left D and now. I don't know why I didn't mention him in the blog once D knew about him. Not out of shame for sure as this blog is my arena which I'm happy to share but which, for me, has primarily always been a place to explore and record how I'm feeling. While it's great to have "met" so many great people, I know that not everyone will agree with everything you do so I'm happy to accept the love and support you get from a blog and skirt around the occasional brickbat.

But it didn't feel right writing only half the story either.

So, I've been seeing Richard (Rich, Tatts) for the last few months since March. It started (as these things do) as a fling which made me feel good about myself while I was in a pretty bad place. Not big, not clever... Then it rapidly developed into something more. I developed the habit of writing emails to myself about our relationship as I couldn't talk about it to anyone and, looking back over these, I can see that I fell for him (and he for me I thought) very quickly. He made (makes..) me feel special, valuable, attractive, like I matter. Now, I know that that is what affairs do - that they're not "real" etc etc but what I took from it was the strength to think about a new life and what was important to me. The confidence that, if he valued me, so would others and that I didn't need to stay where I was, apparently unvalued and unloved but secure and financially stable!

Going back to the stuff I learned on the TV show, my chimp had been very insecure and desperate to hold onto D because that is how female chimps are programmed. The fact of Rich showed me something different - that I could be fine on my own (ironically!). It took away my fear and allowed me to focus on what I want out of life.

After various chapters of to-ing and fro-ing, I've left D and we're starting on the divorce merry-go-round and I've gone back to Rich after a brief hiatus. It's weird, to be able to be so happy and excited on the one hand and so sad and worried on the other. It's terrible seeing D unhappy and knowing that I am responsible. It's terrible feeling scared about money and jobs and knowing that my safety net has gone. But it's great to feel that I'm taking responsibilty for myself for a change. It's great that I have potential now. And it's great that I'm so excited about the future.

And it's fun with Rich - I want to gush and be in love, but because of how and when it happened I have to be more circumspect. We're well suited though - he sits next to me at the football and has done for the last 13 years (throughout that time, absolutely not a flicker between us - weird!); he plays golf so we often play together; he likes hillwalking and we've had some brilliant day long hikes with the dogs; he likes staying in watching films or rubbish TV with me and a glass of wine; he revealed over the weekend that he wants to learn to dance (proper ballroom stuff) so we're starting dance classes together next week!!!; we can go out or stay in and we so often suggest the same things to each other or text each other at the same times that it's getting spooky. He's 42 and single with no kids....phew, no more complications than the ones I have created!!

So, that's why I'm so excited (and conflicted). I'm trying to take it slowly and not rush into anything while going through the trauma with D. Mutual friends are going to be a problem. In a small village and valley like this one EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING. I'm trying to lie low and not be confrontational which leaves D out there telling everyone what a cow I am!! Still, I can't deny that I was the unfaithful one and many people will condemn me for that, fairly too. But, I can't ignore the last 10 years and I can't ignore how I feel now.

So, there you have it. Not comprehensive as there are too many nuances for that but as warts and all as I can manage....


Amber said...

Wow, I have to say! But I suppose life is about exploring until we find what makes us happy! xx

Vanessa said...

Those female chimps can be nasty! I'm glad you were given the opportunity to prove to yours how wrong she was. And very glad you have found happiness and a place to be safe. Enjoy the good parts and the rest will be sorted as time goes by.

Claire said...

Nothing to judgements here..just wanted to send a hug. x

Lainey said...

Lesley - you are an incredible woman and to have the guts to do what you've done is something special.

Sometimes in life we have to be selfish. If you aren't happy, how can you make anyone else happy?

Lots of love. x

Sarah Jane said...
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Fiona said...
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