Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Long time no see

I'm sorry peeps, it's been a long time since I neglected my blog for such a lengthy period. And when I potentially have interesting things to say too!!

Well, it's difficult to know what to say at the moment. Partly because I know that D reads this blog so I'm having to self-censor for all concerned and partly because weight loss and exercise are not my primary concern at the moment.

So, let's ignore that and go back to basics and think about why I started the weight loss journey in the first place.

It was a long time coming. I have been dieting and exercising for as long as I can remember. I remember being mortified by being weighed in our swimming class at school at the beginning of each term and inevitably being one of the heaviest girls there. Especially when the (somewhat hefty) gym teacher called out your weight to be written down and everyone asked everyone else what their "score" was! I remember trying to cut back in a very general way even way back then.

What strikes me about that is - if they're going to humiliate you about your weight, presumably there was a reason for it? If so, what reason? If I was overweight, why did no-one talk to me about it?? Maybe suggest ways of cutting back or modifying what I ate, a food diary.... Maybe my 13 year old self might have learned something rather than just associating scales with doooooom! If I wasn't overweight, why didn't they reassure me and not leaving me think that, because I was heavier than my pals, I was unhealthy leading to yo-yo diets and shame?


So, cue years of diets and fads, eating, drinking, seeking approval and hiding in food and behind my personality.

Eventually I find an answer (to the weight anyway) in Lighter Life. A regime that I can buy into whole heartedly which appears to magically "solve" my weight problem. I seize this and lose 9 stone!! I'll say that again - 9 bloody stone!!

It is magic. I am slim and attractive and I learn how sweet life can taste without food or booze (not that alcohol has ever been my problem, just another source of empty calories and an occasional distraction).

But I haven't really learned anything about me and how to properly love myself. I'm still scared of lots and lots of things - not being good at my job; losing my relationship; people not liking me; what people think.

Some of the weight starts to come back on and some of my old habits reappear. The arguments come back between D and I and my confidence dips but is joined by belligerence and dismay. I struggle on and slow the gain, even reverse it on occasion.

Then, out of the blue courtesy of Mrs Lard, an opportunity to really learn what is going on in my head lands in my lap. I have to go on TV in lycra to access it but hey, who cares eh? Well, D for one but that's not the worst thing.

I take the opportunity and I learn a LOT. It is not perfect, to really get to grips with such therapy one would have to have years I suppose. But the theory blows me away and helps me make sense of my history. I start to see through my hiding strategies, my self-justifications and my pain. I start to see that it is not normal to let yourself be put down and to feel as though everything is your fault. You lose some weight, not as much as you'd ideally like but enough to get back in control. You learn how to live in balance with food and exercise and how to regain that balance when it goes missing from time to time.

(hey this is of course a work in progress so I'm not saying it's a job done or anything, just that I have learned a lot....)

Then you have to look at the rest of your life. You have to decide whether to make the big change that seems to be demanded. Or to battle and battle to change from within. Do you jump or fight? What would be more true to yourself and your other half? (And why am I suddenly writing in the third person...? Oh yes, to keep my distance from the issues I'm talking about dummy!!)

And I just don't knoooow. I'm crying so hard now 'cos it's all so big and there doesn't seem to be a right answer and I'm scared of either answer. But tears are not the answer, they are just my chimp giving me the option of emotion and flight.....I have to face up this time and really put my mind where my mouth has been.

So, that's why I haven't posted recently. 'Cos when I get going I don't know when to stop.


Amber said...

Chin up girl. I found your blog when I first started Lighter Life and I'm almost 7 stone down. Your blog was an inspiration to me.
You've done great but all LL teaches us is self control when it comes to food and emotions. It won't solve our life riddles, that's all up to us. I myself was never extremely outgoing or outspoken - i am instead very shy and quiet. Both work and relationships - my partner still gets very cross when we're argueing and I just zip it and not talk a whole lot - but I guess we learn to embrace these things as time goes!!


Milly said...

I am pleased you are posting again, yours was the first blog I read (I have read many more since lol)You inspire alot of people. You have lots of stuff to work through & I am sure you will never feel completely done or at ease because life's just not like that, but you won't be giving up anytime soon, keep your chin up, keep striving & be kind to yourself. Milly x

Seren said...

Hi Lesley,

Have been lurking on your blog for a while and am so glad you are posting again. You are a real inspiration to those of us out there fighting our own weight loss battles.

You're so right that losing the weight (the physical side) is only one part of the battle, it's so important to get all the head stuff right as well. I think most people who become significantly overweight have, if they are honest, some issues somewhere and are using food to plug a gap. It's hard work to get to grips with those issues, but the rewards are worth it in the end.

I love the image of the chimp by the way - I'm thinking of giving mine a name and buying him a jaunty hat :-)

Take care,


Vanessa said...

Hi Lesley, Read your post earlier this afternoon and wanted to post but couldn't think of what to say. It really hit home (and made me cry). Still not I have any words or wisdom but wanted you to know that I heard you and I know exactly how you feel. Fixing our heads is a whole lot harder than improving our cardio. You can do it, though. You're already done so much! Don't listen to your chimp (or anyone else who says you are less than a rock star)!

monica said...

I have followed your blog with interest having lost 2 stone with lighter life and then putting one stone back on despite eating a healthy low GI diet.

I have lost the stone again and I think I have found the secret to pain free weight maintenance. I have stayed the same weight for six months. The secret for me is to limit my carbohydrates but not my fat intake. I do not eat sugar,bread,pasta,rice or potatoes. Everything else I eat. I will eat a curry but replace the rice with mashed cauliflower. I eat meat,fish,vegetables and some fruit. I cannot see that this modifies atkins diet is unhealthy yet it goes against the prevailing medical advice which I believe to be wrong.

As a GP I have difficulty trotting out the usual medical advice when I believe to be wrong and contributing to the obesity epidemic. If you can keep your insulin levels low you do not get the cravings but just eat when you are hungry.

Lainster said...

Hello Missus

I've been terrible at blogging for a few reasons but one of the main ones is that my boyfriend and I have split up.

While it's not nearly the same as you - I'm really struggling and just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you lots.

You are such a fantastic person and deserve all the happiness in the world.