Gaps

Eagle-eyed Pam spotted a reference to "dog" rather than "dogs" and, looking back, I note that I had a big gap between posts from March to November.

Well, in this time, in August last year, we lost both Shelagh our old girl and Rich's mum within a couple of days of each other. Rich's mum Sue went far too young at 70 but she had recurring cancer having thought she had beaten it the year before and the early stages of dementia which made her very confused at the end.

She had clearly set her sights on getting to our wedding and having a wonderful day then not lingering long beyond that. And in that she was sucessful.

She was brilliant on our wedding day. Looked lovely, ate, danced with her sons, chatted with the family and stayed late. When we came back from our minimoon in Wensleydale, she was straight to hospital and then into a care home and she died 9 weeks later.

Her brothers and sisters, one in particular, were great as were her 3 children. Even though the 2 brothers don't really get on with their sister, they put that to one side and all worked together to make Sue's last days and weeks as comfortable and loved as possible.

It was a strange start to a marriage though, everyone asking if you're really happy but the fact was we were stressed, lonely and bored. I visited her 2 or 3 times each week but Rich only had a few days off in all that time so I had to do everything at home.

Which sadly included caring for an increasingly poorly dog. She deteriorated quite quickly really though and didn't suffer beyond one bad episode when we had to rush her to the emergency vet. In the end, it was only one bad night when she would not be comforted by either of us. We knew she wanted to go and she had a couple of fits on my lap as we drove into Sheffield to the vet. She made it so easy for us. A trip to the vets and we let her go in peace.

I wish Sue had been able to go in such peace and had not had to endure 4 or 5 days of slipping away, rattling and choking at the very end. I wish Rich and his family did not have to remember her like that. It seems we can be kinder to our pets than to our parents.

Anyway, these pics are of Shelagh's last proper walk about a week before she died. She still had a paddle and a stick and was my best girl.

Minty was a bit on edge for a few days after she went but has blossomed. She absolutely loves being an only dog so, much as we'd like to give another dog a home, we are going to let her have her way and enjoy her retirement being spoiled rotten!

Still hanging in

You might have noticed that I have been a bit gloomy and glum these last few days, in parts anyway. Then this evening TOTM arrived thus explaining the gloom. I know some women are totally in tune with their body's cycle but I have never been one of those and even less so as I approach the dreaded menopause. So actually it was nice to have an explanation for the excessive "feeling fat" and the gloom.

Last night's birthday celebrations were great. Just a few pals drinking our own drinks on a quiet street but lovely to be able to chat and banter and pretend to be back in the pub for a couple of hours!

I walked over the fields with the dog on my way up there and it was a truly stunning evening. Golden light.

I got chatting to a relatively new pal towards the end of the evening. She is about my age but petite and slim. Well I think so. She has gained a few lbs in lockdown, maybe going from an 8 to a 10 and hates herself! It all came pouring out. How she worries in advance of every social occasion; thinks about her food, exercise and weight almost all the time and is making herself miserable  as a result. 

So sad. I might be fat but at least now I don't judge myself for it and I've never hated myself! I can thank Dr Steve Peters for that, well him and leaving a toxic marriage which was probably also something to do with Steve! This woman seems to have a very supportive husband but her chimp is  firmly in control. We had a good chat and I hope I at least sowed some seeds to help her. 

Our chat helped me too as it reminded me that it is one thing not hating myself for being fat but I don't need to accept it either. I need to get on with the actual process and practicalities of dropping weight. It's starting and I'm starting to feel excited about it once more.  

Today has been slightly hungover (although that could have been the warm night too), alternately cool then hot and humid, work and chores and not much else. A quiet walk around the village this evening and taking it easy in advance of a rainy round of golf tomorrow. 

Still here and feeling fat!!

The hot sunny days are great but they are significantly harder when you're fat. I played 18 holes of golf yesterday morning which was tough. I'm sure carrying extra weight and the corresponding lack of fitness has impacted on my game which is very poor at the moment.

And after playing I discovered the dreaded chub rub which was depressing. Also I didn't have any energy for the rest of the day! I know I'm in my 50's now but I'm sure it was not this hard last summer with 1.5 stones less to lug around.

So, yesterday was hard and I did veer towards the self-medication of a barbie and half bottle of white wine. But I didn't ultimately go overboard. And today I have bounced back a bit. Yoghurt and fruit for brekkie and salad lunch.

To be honest, I'm noticing that the "bad" days do seem to coincide with the bread-y days so I'm going to work on cutting out bread as much as possible.

I am still writing down what I eat, stepping on the scales each day and doing daily long walks or golf so this first week is still broadly on track.

Tonight we are heading up to a street "bar" (BYO and socially distanced) to celebrate a mate's birthday. I'm taking a limited amount of gin to minimise calories but suspect I will say yes to a slice of cake if it's one I like!!

Now, here are some pics of the route of the walk I took on Tuesday evening with Kerry. I actually took these a few weeks ago when walking alone but I haven't uploaded the Kerry pics from my big camera yet.)

It's a fabulous 2 hour hike up the dale just ouside my village through a couple of tiny hamlets up to an old mining rake and then back down the other side of the dale. There are ruins of the old mine workings and awesome wildlife sightings on the way.

On Tuesday we spotted a curlew on a wall, a barn owl, meadow pipits, skylarks, newts and tadpoles in a dew pond, bunnies, glorious wildflowers and loads of more common or garden flora and fauna. Heaven.

When I walked it before it was a much more moody day with looming grey skies switching to bright sunshine and even 5 mins of rain towards the end. 

A small start

1 day of logging food and eating sensibly down, a lifetime to go! There's no hardship to doing it though is there so let's hit it!?

In the meantime, what have I been up to? Answer, loads of walks and getting closer to the minutiae of the nature in my area. One walk we have done a lot of is around some fishing ponds at our local quarry. They are private but with no anglers, there seems to be an understanding that locals are welcome/okay.

It is one of our go to daily walks and has been wonderful watching the frogs/toads mating, tadpoles squirming, geese and other wildfowl raising their young and the weekly changes in the flora.

I also absolutely love seeing the huge fish basking near the surface of a sunny day.

This evening, my friend Kerry is coming out from Sheffield for an evening walk so we're going to be doing something locally in the White Peak. I will be trying to make it reasonably strenuous to boost my exercise.

What will make this stick??

I'm frustrated as I'm bimbling along feeling fat and achy. I have gained 2 stone since I was married last June, most of it before lockdown, and am determined to stop this rot and reverse this trend.

Being just over 18 stone is bloody annoying. My feet hurt. Clothes are tricky to find and don't look great whatever I wear. I get hot and sweaty. A round of golf is tiring, I'm not playing as well and afterwards I'm wiped out.

So, instead of putting up with this rubbish, why don't I do something about it??

But what? Well, writing down what I eat. Keeping a diary. Making time for exercise. Using my Fitbit. And blogging. All these have worked before and will work again.

The writing down has started today as has the cutting right back on carbs.

I have been doing masses of walking, golf and gardening but also masses of eating, drinking and vegging. Sweaty exercise and working out has barely featured. My Fitbit has barely been used.

Gah!! Groundhog Day or what?!