Long time no see

I'm sorry peeps, it's been a long time since I neglected my blog for such a lengthy period. And when I potentially have interesting things to say too!!

Well, it's difficult to know what to say at the moment. Partly because I know that D reads this blog so I'm having to self-censor for all concerned and partly because weight loss and exercise are not my primary concern at the moment.

So, let's ignore that and go back to basics and think about why I started the weight loss journey in the first place.

It was a long time coming. I have been dieting and exercising for as long as I can remember. I remember being mortified by being weighed in our swimming class at school at the beginning of each term and inevitably being one of the heaviest girls there. Especially when the (somewhat hefty) gym teacher called out your weight to be written down and everyone asked everyone else what their "score" was! I remember trying to cut back in a very general way even way back then.

What strikes me about that is - if they're going to humiliate you about your weight, presumably there was a reason for it? If so, what reason? If I was overweight, why did no-one talk to me about it?? Maybe suggest ways of cutting back or modifying what I ate, a food diary.... Maybe my 13 year old self might have learned something rather than just associating scales with doooooom! If I wasn't overweight, why didn't they reassure me and not leaving me think that, because I was heavier than my pals, I was unhealthy leading to yo-yo diets and shame?

Hmmmm

So, cue years of diets and fads, eating, drinking, seeking approval and hiding in food and behind my personality.

Eventually I find an answer (to the weight anyway) in Lighter Life. A regime that I can buy into whole heartedly which appears to magically "solve" my weight problem. I seize this and lose 9 stone!! I'll say that again - 9 bloody stone!!

It is magic. I am slim and attractive and I learn how sweet life can taste without food or booze (not that alcohol has ever been my problem, just another source of empty calories and an occasional distraction).

But I haven't really learned anything about me and how to properly love myself. I'm still scared of lots and lots of things - not being good at my job; losing my relationship; people not liking me; what people think.

Some of the weight starts to come back on and some of my old habits reappear. The arguments come back between D and I and my confidence dips but is joined by belligerence and dismay. I struggle on and slow the gain, even reverse it on occasion.

Then, out of the blue courtesy of Mrs Lard, an opportunity to really learn what is going on in my head lands in my lap. I have to go on TV in lycra to access it but hey, who cares eh? Well, D for one but that's not the worst thing.

I take the opportunity and I learn a LOT. It is not perfect, to really get to grips with such therapy one would have to have years I suppose. But the theory blows me away and helps me make sense of my history. I start to see through my hiding strategies, my self-justifications and my pain. I start to see that it is not normal to let yourself be put down and to feel as though everything is your fault. You lose some weight, not as much as you'd ideally like but enough to get back in control. You learn how to live in balance with food and exercise and how to regain that balance when it goes missing from time to time.

(hey this is of course a work in progress so I'm not saying it's a job done or anything, just that I have learned a lot....)

Then you have to look at the rest of your life. You have to decide whether to make the big change that seems to be demanded. Or to battle and battle to change from within. Do you jump or fight? What would be more true to yourself and your other half? (And why am I suddenly writing in the third person...? Oh yes, to keep my distance from the issues I'm talking about dummy!!)

And I just don't knoooow. I'm crying so hard now 'cos it's all so big and there doesn't seem to be a right answer and I'm scared of either answer. But tears are not the answer, they are just my chimp giving me the option of emotion and flight.....I have to face up this time and really put my mind where my mouth has been.

So, that's why I haven't posted recently. 'Cos when I get going I don't know when to stop.