Struggling but still trying

A male Kudu. they're very shy but so beautiful and graceful.

I took these pictures on our first day in Addo Elephant Reserve in the Eastern Cape. A stunning place, maybe not as big and impressive as Kruger (which I will visit one day) but for intimate viewings and no crowds, well worth a few days.

The first 2 elephants we saw on our first evening game drive. We were able to get incredibly close to them. I'm not using much of a zoom here as they're probably only 3 or 4 yards from us.

They got even closer at times...

A lovely African sunset on our first evening. It was pretty much the last sun we saw while at the game reserve; we were not lucky with the weather. In fact our guide accused us of bringing English weather to the Cape - low cloud, cold, drizzley, grey - yup, it was all our fault!

So many zebra, so little time. The first few time you see them, they are really arresting but after a while, they have to do exciting things and pose in front of nice green thorn bushes to tempt you to take their picture. Their PR should tell them to hide out a bit more like the kudu then you'd be happier to see them!

Mama Warthog is ready for her close up. She doesn't know she's ugly as sin....she thinks she's pretty damn hot. She certainly posed for pictures willingly enough!

I'm aware that I've forgotten a lot of the knowledge about myself and my trials with food and exercise which I thought I'd learnt so securely last summer. Over the last few days I've been reflecting about how I've allowed myelf to get fat (not totally fat but heading that way) again and I decided to do what my old self would have told me to do:

• Keep busy


• Read my blog and post regularly


• set mini targets for myself even just on a day by day basis

So I read some old posts from last summer and I was shocked by how controlled and sensible I had been. But, conversely, I remembered that I had felt out of control and nervy. I think that has been a large part of the problem. I have not had any faith in myself (probably wisely given my history) but this has meant that every time I've gained a little weight, instead of just reining in a bit and doing more exercise, I've panicked, felt that I'm failing, let myself fail a little more and then rushed into another diet. But the diets have been grudging, like "Oh, this is not fair, I've done this already, why am I here again??!" Stamps foot and slams door on the way out.

I have to face up to the fact that this is not easy. Although dropping the weight on LL was relatively easy, I didn't have to face the grief of changing my whole lifestyle then. Some people did do that, and have changed and have not gained a load of the weight they rid themselves of. I did not. I just gradually went back to the way I had been before. Oh, not as bad, a lot more exercise and less drink and slightly less food but basically the same as before.

What was I thinking? It has to change and I have to make it happen. No more looking outside to give me the answers. I have to own this issue and not run from it.

I could have wept (did a bit) when I read one particular post from before last Christmas. I really thought I had it sorted and so many people commented on how much I had helped them and been an inspriation.... yadayadyada Well, I feel like a fraud now. Not for long. I will be an inspiration again and I will get this sorted.

Here's pledging.