-11 (morning quickie....oooer missus)

Stats:

Weight - 12 stone 9 lbs!! WTF? I think it must be time of the month kicking in but, by any reckoning, 4 lbs in a day is good going.
Exercise - not yet but I'm going out later...might go for a swim as I'm working from home. [Update - I managed a 31/2 mile run round the river and back over a hill this afternoon as I was too busy at klunchtime to go to the pool so all good]
Abstinence - so far so good. [Update - I was good all day but got caught out and was very hungry this evening after my french class as I ended up having to drive straight over to a friend's rather than going home for something to eat first. I stopped and bought 2 Pepperamis and had those instead of one pack. Not wonderful but I was pretty hungry and still had 3 hours to go before home. No cheating since though and have not been tempted to have the 4th pack.]

When I started Cambridge Diet a couple of months ago, I only did it properly for a couple of day and then settled into a semi-abstinent version of it. That would have been alright had I stuck to it but I didn't, so, after fighting a rearguard action for 6-8 weeks, I found myself back where I started and have had to go back onto the packs.

I don't know for sure whether this time will be any different but I do feel more focussed; more like I did at the very beginning. I have a goal in mind (albeit a different one to that of January 2007 - namely, lose 9 stone!) and I'm willing to say "no" to myself in order to achieve that goal.

Last time on CD it was all about wheedling as much as I could into my day while still losing. It was all about compromises and fudges (!) in order to keep eating....something, anything...

I'm thinking more about food again, as I did on LL. Analysing my behaviour more and asking myelf whether I'm really hungry or just head hungry. When I did CD before, I didn't do that - it was more a practical, "means to an end" type of process. Maybe I thought I was "cured" so didn't need to keep doing the work...ha!

I started reading Marisa Peer's book (again) this morning (yes - the waking early has kicked in- hallelujah) and found much food for thought (excuse the pun).

One thing I have noticed is how resistant I am to what she wants to achieve. How weird is that? She wants to help me to NOT want to eat, so I can become and stay slim without dieting for the rest of my life. What's not to want there??

Weeell, I still haven't quite given up on the idea of food as nice, as a treat, a celebration, a comfort, love.

I'm reading the pages and logically agreeing with her. How wonderful it would be to just eat what I need, when I need it. No angst, no desire... But a sneaky part of me is thinking....

"Chocolate (and I'm not even big chocolate eater), cakes, bread, toast, flapjacks....how can you turn your back on your friends like that? Haven't they always been there for you? What would your life be like if you didn't have them there to enjoy any more?"

Marisa says you have to train your mind to associate unhealthy, fattening foods with pain and being slim and healthy with pleasure. You have to use the appropriate language to help your mind make these associations and not sabotage yourself. You have to reinforce these ideas until they are more dominant than your old ways. I hope I can get there. At least I'm recognising the resistance in me....I didn't think it would be so deep. Especially after losing all the weight and loving being slim and active. Clearly I have a long way to go still.

Anyway, best get back to work. Will check in later.