Developing 35 (ii)

Well, I survived the rainy run. It was really good to get but, more importantly, to want to get out and run, even in the nasty weather. I rang my friend just before we were due to meet to slightly change the arrangements and she immediately said "you're not ringing to cancel are you?" so I was pleased that I wasn't and had had no intention of it.

I'm glad I had bought the wind and waterproof top though - it would have been freezing without it. Technology is a great thing - it was a perfect product, designed to do exactly what you need of it and worked brilliantly. Light, not sweaty, just took the worst of the wind and rain away frm your skin...so clever.

Anyway, we ran for about 6 and 1/2 miles up some really steep hills but also with a fair bit of downhill in there too so not too bad. Kate rang me afterwards while I was in the shower and left a lovely message congratulating me on increasing my range and making it up the hills without stopping. I felt like really proud of myself when I listened to it. Next time I will start at Kate's house and do the extra mile and the extra big hill. I really have caught the running bug which I thought would never happen to me.

Apart from that, French was great fun - I love the feeling of learning new stuff and making progress towards a goal. We do a diary section every week where I prepare a little piece in french about what I did last week (a bit like at primary school...). That's good because you're talking about the sort of things you'll want to talk about to real people in France. Better than all the ordering in restaurants and booking hotel rooms which lessons often get bogged down in.

I couldn't do any gardening because of the incessant rain which is a shame but I suppose I can do some today, even though it's spitting on and off now...sigh... I know I'll enjoy it when I get out there but getting started is hard for me. I wish I'd catch the gardening bug as well as the running one...

Went to the pub last night and had a good long chat with my friend Eric. He's a bit of a deep thinker so, when you catch him away from other people, you can often get into quite intersting converations. The sort I like, espeically when you're not drinking and the usual pub fayre of bullshit rubbish can get a bit wearing. Anyway, he was telling me about what he and his fiancee think about me losing weight. Surprised me in the first place that they had obviously had such in depth converstion about my weight! It was all positive and really nice of him to say and then led into a conversaton about relationships and specifically the power balance between D and I now that I'm emerging as a slim, attractive woman.

It was very thought provoking but a bit too involved to go into . I think the conclusions I took away from it were that - yes, the power has shifted between us, but I shouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater and get carried away with being a strong, confident woman, and should let D in a bit more. This wasn't what Eric actually said - it was what I realised following on from our conversation.

He basically told me how he and others perceived me before I lost the weight - which was as a strong attractive, confident woman who occasonally let the weight thing get on top of her. (I felt that I was perceived as a bit of failure and was desperate to please and win approval so i was out a bit there!)

He said that I had been quite sharp on occasion before (which i was unaware of) and thinks that that was as a result of my inner unhappiness but that that unhappiness didn't really show so I just came across as me being short. He wasn't having a go and said it wasn't frequent or anything. Made me think though! Once again, my perception of how I came across was as rather soft and weak but apparently I've always been seen as a bit of a toughie!!

He also said, that since I've lost weight, I'm much more attractive, not just because I'm thinner but because I'm more relaxed and more confident to let go a bit. That chimed with me as Ive become aware of little things like that. I'm happier not always to wear flattering smart clothes. Before I would always wear flattering jeans and high heels and make-up to the pub and generally be a little overdresed to compensate for being fat. Now I revel in wearing slouchy jean and cool trainers and not necessarily the most flattering outfits which means I can be mroe stylish and fashionable.

I sit in a different way - I can cross my legs or sling one leg over the other. I can stand at the bar without my feet hurting. I know that I just look more relaxed and confident and that gives me inner confidence. Also, I dance more in public, even just in the pub when there's a good song on. Just feeling happier in my own skin.

I'm also less likely to nag at D or snipe with him If we have an argument, it is about something now, not just general bithciness. I'm not saying that they were always my fault but it's easier to let things go sometimes and walk away for a bit until the urge to snipe passes.

So, all in all, Eric was very thought provoking. He's a really larger than life character and sometimes I think people write him off as a bit of a clown/entertainer but there's obviously a lot going on in there. He's also very louche so the chat was mixed with much sexual innuendo and general flirtation but I'm totally happy that it was not going anywhere so could relax and enjoy. He's absolutely mad about his fiancee and missing her like crazy. She's the one over in Lithuania at the moment. Very sweet.

Anyway, that's enough of that. The rain has eased and I'm going to drag my sorry carcass out into the garden....