Developing 22 - Rainy Sunday

Up early to finish my french homework and then off to Matlock for my class. I felt really sorry for my tutor as she told me that her final chance at IVF had not suceeded. She has one child (through IVF) so I suppose it's not the worst thing in the world but the effort they have put into it and the financial commitment must make it very hard for them to come out of it all with nothing. She said she was just relieved to know and to be clear that that is that. They can concentrate on what they have and enjoy life now.

Very admirable. Look at the good in your life and make the most of it.

Horrible rainy afternoon so D and I ended up cleaning and doing chores all day. I suppose that is why we both seem to have been a ratty moods all afternoon too. Nipping at each others' heads and being generally grumpy. Weird when we'd had such a fantastic evening yesterday!.

Anyway, it was much happier this evening when I joined him the local for a quiet drink. I didn't stay out (hence the post now) but we were much cheerier.

Trouble is - I have experienced a relapse to self-destructive behaviour. Have nibbled quite a bit this afternoon/evening. I have been feeling very hungry and wanted to eat a lot this afternoon. But I know it was not real hunger - definitely of the emotional variety. And, I've given in to it. In the full knowledge of what it was!!

Why?? Why do it when you're so close and doing so well? Must be the demon crooked thinking - reward myself for doing well and looking good at the Rugby Club Dinner; it won't hurt, I'll keep losing; D's being a pain; its rainy; I'm cleaning the bathroom. All the nasty excuses came tumbling out and I gave in to them.

So, what did I eat? A few mouthfuls of D's mash. A couple of mouthfuls of meat (D's roast lamb). A handful of sultanas and an inch of french bread. Not exactly a wild binge or anything but it was the thought process that has pissed me off. It was the fact that I wasn't having a good time and I turned to food, knowing what I was doing and I still went on with it.

Not good enough.

So - I will turn it around tonight and tomorrow and make sure to have a good few days. I'm also going to do a thought record about this incident to see if I can make more sense of it and try and work out what to do differently next time (for a next time there will surely be).

I also wonder if the fact that my scales are out of batteries and I'm therefore not currently accountable to the home scales is also a factor. I think it may be - I won't be able to see the damage caused (if any) tomorrow morning on the scales and that may have loosened the mental reins. Hey ho. Not beating myself up or anything drastic but need to get it sorted.

How can I be so positive and even think of extending my goals and decreasing my target weight one day and then be eating extra mouthfuls purely for the sake of it the next? It's a rollercoaster ride this food business...