Second chances

Me and D are giving it another go. It's difficult but worth another try. Misery diet is going well too - down to 13 stone 5lbs now which is the first time I've hit that number since we finished filming last summer!

I couldn't eat for quite a while but seem to be back onto food now and now the stress is making me ravenous. Still, I've stuck to the exercise, went for a run this evening. 4, maybe 5 miles and I made it up the hill which I've been avoiding. I was meant to be running 3 miles and meeting D and driving him home from the pub but our messages got mixed up so I ended up having to run home too!!

I'd like to go into more detail but it's a bit painful at the mo and D reads this blog too so better keep schtum for now.

Sorry this is dull. Will try again later....

Thanks Sian!

I can't post back on yours obviously but just wanted to say - thanks for breaking your silence - what you said and the fact that you said it really touched me and really helps!!

Potential

Thanks Claire for the Hope Award. I'm dim and couldn't work out how to get the pic up. Tried copying and pasting but ended up with a load of text but no pic.....I repeat - am very dim in the IT sense.



So, I have to blog about something that I'm happy about now (something that makes me smile) and something that gives me hope for the future. A bit of a challenge for a woman who has just told her husband of 16 years that she wants to split up! Note I can't even now use the D word...



But probably even more worth the effort now than when things are going well. I could do with seeing what good stuff I have going on right now, now more than ever. So thanks Claire for the big challenge.



So, what am I happy about right now? What puts a smile on my face? Hmmmm, smile - what dat?



I'm happy in a non-smiley way that I've finally had the guts to do something about my relationship with D. Yes, it has been to end it but that is something. I now have the potential for a better life. Before, when I did nothing, I had no potential. Any goodness was by-product or chance.



Now, if D and I are able to work through this, it will be for a better relationship. If we do not, I have a chance at something better and, equally importantly, so does he. So that makes me happy although not particularly smiley.



As an aside, I'm perpetually smiley about my dogs. They've just had a hair cut and are looking very cute. A cuteness which belies their wolflike natures. I heard today from the dog walker that Minty (yes, sweet 2 year old Minty!) killed and ate a baby rabbit while out on a walk today. That shouldn't really make me smile either but hey - I'm blind when it comes to my doggie girls...

So what gives me hope for the future? I have my health and am fit and strong. This is such a huge change from a few years ago when I was nearly 20 stone and although health-ish, tired easily, hurt a lot and had little energy. Now I have loads of energy, the mental strength which goes with fitness and a joie de vivre which I used to only think I had. So, I have tons of hope for the future, cos I know I have the strength and energy to tackle whatever comes my way and the general chirpiness to enjoy whatever I can!!

So - once again, thanks Claire for making me say out loud - THINGS ARE NOT SO BAD!!! THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD REALLY!!!

Well, that's that then

Me and D have split up. I told him when he got back from the rig this lunchtime and he seemed to take it surprisingly well. It's a relief to get the actual doing of it out of the way but I know there is a lot of pain ahead of us.

Couldn't eat a thing this morning waiting for him to get home - felt sick with nerves but am ravemous now after a 3 hour walk on an empty stomach!!

We've been together 22 years so it's been a pretty tough decision.

Wish me luck peeps. xxx

OSLG!!

Me and my pal Eric at a party during carnival week.

I pondered over my last post, especially the last 2 paragraphs. If I'm so balanced now, surely now is the time to make a few small adjustments and actually make a little bit of progress in a downward trajectory?? Why am I putting it off? So, I've decided to, in a cautious, limited manner, implement Operation Sexy Lady Golfer! I don't know if you've ever watched the Ladies' Pro Golf Tour but a lot of those girly golfers are HOT! I think I could stand to get a bit more weight off so I'm going to give it a go rather than treading water.

But, but, but, but, I'm not going to undo the good stuff which is going on. I'm not going to obsess about it; not going to beat myself up when I slip; not going to set ambitious targets and deadlines. I'm happy as I am but want to, over time, get slimmer and fitter.

So what Does Operation Sexy Lady Golfer (OSLG) consist of?? Hmmmm, not sure. Lets have a think.

• No biscuits or cakes at work. There has been a veritable biscuit mountain here over the last few weeks and months and it is getting beyond a joke. I have previously managed to avoid it without problems but have got in bad habits. Before I know it, a couple at lunch has become 3, becomes 4 etc etc. Empty calories.
• Daily weigh-ins (which I do anyway) and writing the results up on my chart in the kitchen for accountability.
• Exercise 6 days out of 7 and reinstate some weekly runs and bike rides, both of which have mysteriously disappeared from the schedule....
• Rein in the booze a bit and have a few more salads and a few fewer big meals
• Go back to your muesli and fruit breakfasts. You like them but seem to be eating all sorts for breakfast now - toast, bacon and egg, crunchy nut cornflakes. Breakfast is an important start to the day for me and sets the tone so get back to basics for a while.

That should be enough for starters. I'll monitor how I'm getting on and get more savage with the cuts as and when I feel the need. Could still lose my morning cappucino and go heavier on the booze cuts but will start gently for now...

Treading water but that's good thing

As you will know, I've been going through a pretty torrid time emotionally over the last few weeks and months and work is also precarious. It seems that every few days we have another briefing about how dire the Council's finances are and how cuts and redundancies are inevitable. So, forgive me, but my mind has not been fully focussed on diet and exercise. But the really good thing from my point of ivrew is that, despite little attention, my body seems to have found an equilibrium. I have been going out, eating and drinking without major reining in and only exercising when it suits me to yet my weight has stayed within the same 4 lbs for the last 3-4 months. A high of 13 stone 11 and a low of 13 stone 7. Mostly square in the middle.



On the plus side, I'm semi-consciously having slightly smaller portions and cooking food in a healthier way. On the down side, I've had more booze and biscuits in the house over the last few months than I would ever have had before. But the strange thing about having biscuits and cakes etc in the house, is that I'm not totally desperate to eat them!! This is a new phenomenon for me!! I have had a packet of Werthers Originals unopened in the house since Friday and have not been tempted. The last pack I bought lasted me over a week (the small tube packets). I bought a millionaires shortcake from a local cafe as I knew I would be playing golf and thought it'd be a nice mid-round treat. Forgot to put it in my golf bag and haven't touched it since (although I suspect it may be taking a hammering this evening or it'll dry out!).



Items of food which would normally be hoovered are eaten sparingly if at all. It's very strange. Crunchy Nut Cornflakes is a good example! They would previously been a product coming with a MAJOR warning label: "Warning - Lesley - Purchasing this packet will result in you eating up to 3 big bowlfuls in quick sucession and using up all your milk!". Bought some on Friday and had a moderate bowl for my breakfast this morning. Not only that, I was going to have a bowl yesterday but then deicded I fancied fruit (strawberries, blueberries and a banana) with yoghurt and a sprinkling of muesli instead. And not only that, I actually moaned with pleasure at the yoghurt and had no pangs about the Crunchy Nut cornflakes.



Okay, who are you and what have you done with Lesley??!



So - I'm really trying to be kind to myself at the moment. And by that I do NOT mean stuff my face with foodie treats. I mean not: setting over-ambitious goals; beating myself up for still being over 13 stone; worrying if I have to cancel exercise or if I go for a walk instead of a run; beating myself up if I buy or consume food or alcohol that I don't strictly need. And as a result, I'm finding that I'm keeping in balance and have at least one less thing to worry about.



Having said that, I haven't forgotten my long-term goals. I saw a woman playing golf the other day who I know but who I hadn't seen for a while. She's a few years older than me, so around 45, very wealthy lady of leisure type but pretty nice and down to earth despite that. She has really prioritised her golf so she's good (cow!) and when I saw her she looked amazing! A slim, shapely, sporty, athletic figure wearing nice modern golf garb (there is such a thing believe me - it's not all Pringle sweaters and plus fours any more!!). I was jealous. Started to do the whiney beating myself up thing.



Then I thought - "there is no reason why I couldn't be that nice looking!" She's probably a size 12, similar height and shape as me. I'm an athletic 14/16. If I lost 2 stone my figure would be every bit as nice as hers (and I wouldn't have frosty dyed blonde hair.....miiiaaaow!). And the thought was empowering, not depressing. At the moment I'm not CHOOSING to make that extra effort to get down to that size and shape but I can do it and hopefully will do it, as and when it is my priority.