Party time

I went Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve with my niece and her boyfriend in Lincoln, where I grew up. It's a lovely city and very atmospheric - I didn't trek up Steep Hill to the Cathedral and castle just to take touristy photos for you lot though - you'll just have to make do with the High Street!!

Elizabeth and Andrew - a really nice young couple.

Christmas tree at Mum and Dad's - that was about a quarter of the eventual present haul...it took over an hour to open them.....kids eh?!

It's been v v hectic chez Lesley over the last few days. Since I left my parents' place the day after Boxing Day, it's been non-stop partying and I'm beginning to feel the strain. Big night out at a house party in Bradwell on Saturday which was mellow but lasted a long time. Then up early on Sunday to drive down to Coventry for the football and a big session with my football pals.

The football was a disaster and absolutely freezing but the night out on Sunday evening was brilliant. Really good fun - we ended up, quite randomly, catching Hazel O'Connor (early 80's punkk/rock singer/actress) live in a really good bar and didn't get to our scratchers 'til about 5am. I don't do that sort of night very often these days but when I do I love them!

Then last night was another night out with friends although blessedly not a late one!

So, as you've probably guessed, not a diet friendly way of life. Still, I have been very busy, had loads of fun and not eaten mindlessly so don't feel too bad.

I'm certainly going to be ready to take on a quieter more abstemious way of life for a few weeks in January so that is a good thing. I think a few weeks of excess leads you naturally to want to cut back.

I've been too busy to exercise over the last few days but I have a spare day tomorrow and am going to go for a run - can't wait!

The other fantastic news is that D has managed to get off the rig today so will be with me later this evening. He's home for New Year's Eve!! Yay!!! He's requested a proper Christmas lunch on New Year's Day with my parents so I'm going to have to do the whole turkey and all the trimming AGAIN in a couple of days' time....sigh . Still, it's only fair as D was stuck working 12 hour shifts in the stormy Atlantic Ocean all over Christmas so I surely don't begrudge the effort.

Post Christmas fatness

Well, I hope you've all had a fantastic Christmas break.  I've been at Mum and Dad's since Tuesday and I must say it's been one of the nicest Christmases I've had for years.  The only thing missing has been Diarmuid but, if he had been here, we would probably gone to Ireland so I wouldn't have been here anyway.  That's a bit zen for now though.

My sister and her family are here too and it has been great spending time with all the nieces and the nephew.  The dogs have been in heaven with so many laps and pats on hand but even they are getting a bit tired now with the non-stop excitement.  I think they'll be happy to get home tomorrow. 

I'm pleased to report that, although I feel very fat and have been eating all sorts of rubbish, I have managed to go running 3 (count them - 3!!) times in the last few days.  It has been good - I'm not very fast and I only run for 2 or 3 miles but at least I've made a start.

I went running at 9am on Christmas Day morning and met 3 other people out there also running in anticipation of the excesses to come so I was in good company.  The dogs were happy too.

Today has brought a drive back to Sheffield for the football match and then back to Ma and Pa's.  The football was mediocre but enjoyable nonetheless.  I like the ritual of it all.  I'm leaving the Mothership tomorrow and have a packed schedule of parties and days out from now until I go back to work on 5 January.  Can't wait!

I'm determined that, once I get home thought, tomorrow, I'm going to start to exercise some restraint in the food department and going to carry on with the running too.  I'm going to be starting back with LL in January as I want to get a stone or so off before Easter.  It's going to be going over ground I have just covered I'm sure but who cares, I've not left the path and I'm not going to.

Not really sure what I'm trying to say except that it's been nice to feel normal this year....yes, I've gained a few lbs and eaten a bit much but no, it's not the end of the world. 

The Road to Damascus!!

So this is it - the actual road to Damascus!! A bit muddy eh, and quite gloomy....

Me with my dogs and Gorgeous Bloke's sheepdog hiding. See below for an explanation...

Me, slightly less flustered but still running in the rain.

As if it wasn't wet enough - Minty has to take a bath too.

Or something like that.

The Universe has been trying to tell me something important for ages now. And have I been listening? No, because I'm a bit dim. I've been receiving signals left, right and centre but not "getting" them.

Anyway, I finally got there yesterday while running along a muddy track in the rain. And it was great - I got that fantastic lightbulb feeling, coupled with runner's high and the glad-to-be-alive joy of movement. Rare indeed eh?

What has it been teling me, you ask? That I need to exercise and, more specifically, to run. If I do that, I will find it a lot easier to keep the weight off and I will feel better. So, not earth-shattering stuff then....

Evidence for:

• I have gained weight since I gave running. In fact I'm about half a stone heavier than I was this time last year. Now, that's not too bad, but I was definitely heavier then than I wanted to be and I haven't managed to shift the weight all year; in fact I have been a lot heavier and have dropped weight to get down to this level (but had to go back onto a VCLD to do it which I did NOT want to do!).
  


• I do more exercise when I run regularly. Other exercise doesn't seem to motivate me in the same way. I find it easier to miss other types of exercise.
  


• How many podgy runners do you see around the place??
  
  
• The women I know who have made running part of their everyday lives are the slender ones.

Signs

• I was chatting to Katie in the pub. Now, she used to be a bit on the plump side - drop dead gorgeous but definitely chubby. For her wedding she took up running and shifted a couple of stone and turned into Pamela Anderon's younger, sexier cousin. Subtle she is not but there is no doubting that she looks fantastic in a footballer's wives kind of way. (And, as an aside, despite the airhead, bimbo hair, nails and clothes, she is v v intelligent and sucessful - what doctor wouldn't buy drugs off her!!)
  
  Anyway, she casually dropped into conversation that she had been running up Win Hill. I thought that she would have given up the running as it was not really her sort of thing - what, mud darling!! But no. She is still doing it and, well, der, she still looks as luscious as she did when she got married over a year ago whereas I have gained over 2 stone. I remember because I was at my thinnest at her wedding - a very skimpy size 12 and looked pretty hot myself.
  
• I met Jacqui (the former colleague I mentioned in my last post). She had a baby only 4 weeks ago and now looks superslim. She immediately said that she had just gone back to the running. Also, she ran up Win Hill in July when 5 months pregnant. Admittedly she was slow and knackered but she did it. Hence why she didn't gain baby weight.
  


• Kate is still slim 2 years on and she runs 3 times a week. Every week!
  
  
• I have received emails from the Sheffield Half Marathon and the 10km race which I did in April and May of this year asking me to sign up for next year's events.
  
  
• There's probably been more signs and hints but I can't think of them now....

So - I went running on Sunday morning. In the rain. It was great. I loved it and got that great runners' high thingy. Also - just as I was reaching the halfway, turning point in my run, I met a bloke (well, he emerged from the hedgerow) picking rose hips. He was drop dead GORGEOUS!! I mean one of the tastiest man morsels I have seen for a long time. (Better even than the lovely Huw!). All, rugged and outdoorsy but sort of shy and self-deprecating too, with a really friendly Old English Sheepdog (appropriately clipped). Kind of like a cross between Tim Henman and Brad Pitt but better looking than that sounds... And picking rosehips to make flavoured wine or something (probably watched last week's River Cottage Christmas show) - how cool (in a 'country-stylee') is that?.

Now I know I married and all so shouldn't pay attention to young, hunky men (he he he) but it seemed to be another sign - like a cosmic reward for finally getting out and running after all the fannying around!

So, I'm going to be running again tomorrow morning - fingers crossed that my mystery rosehip picker is out again!!! LOL

PS. He was rubbish at taking photos though - so you can blame him and the siling rain for the poor quality. And, as you can see, I was not exactly looking my best....hey ho

Shopping Saturday

I was bored and trying to inject a bit of Christmas cheer okay. Don't think Minty really bought into the spirit of it judging by the anxious look in her eye and the way she's gripping onto poor old snowman there!

I think I did a little better with my bijou tree-in-a-pot. Very cute, although difficult to get how cute it is in a photo as the flash wipes out the twinkling lights...

I succumbed to the shops today. Not my favourite thing but needs must I suppose. In the end, I did okay and got the presents I was missing. I also bumped into a superslim former colleague who, somewhat depressingly and very happily, had just given birth to a little boy. I was very happy for her (honest!) but slightly gutted at how slender she looked and how grotty I felt. No makeup, tatty hair, muddy trousers - not sleek if you will. She, on the other hand, as a new mum of 4 weeks, had just gone back to her running and looked groomed and fab.......sigh......

So, I must remember next time I go into town that it helps to dress up a little. That's the trouble with living in't'country; you get used to being fleeced and gore-texted up to the eyeballs and forget that not everyone has dogs and muddy boots!!

Anyway, foodwise, not brilliant but not too bad either. I had a pizza for late lunch but now don't feel hungry so will probably just have fruit for supper. I'm about to settle down to Strictly Come Dancing. The big final - can't wait...

I'm feeling well enough to try for a short run tomorrow too. Wish me luck!!

feeling better now

I've been off work with the lurgy over the last few days. I wish I could say that I felt so rotten that I just couldn't eat but I'm afraid that would be far far from the truth. No, when I feel sick, I tend to eat to forget....sigh.

Anyway, over the last couple of days I've reined it back in and have been much healthier. Modest brekkie, (homemade) soup for lunch and then sensible supper (and a few treats I'm afraid) in the evening. I've also made sure that I've been out every day for a decent walk however weak and feeble I feel. So, there's hope for me.

I've conceded that I'm pretty much off the packs now until after Christmas. I reckon if I had been in work this week I might have stuck them out for another few days but it was not to be. Still, this is all part of the process and I'm gearing up to start running again this weekend provided I feel physically able for it. I'm quite looking forward to doing some gentle jogs over the Christmas period just to get me back into the groove.

Anyway, I hope you are all lurgy free and looking forward to a great time over the Christmas period.

Steady Sunday

No wonder I have to fill up the bird feeders every day (and with expensive white sunflower seed hearts I might add!). Cheeky little git. He was on the feeder for a good 20 minutes yesterday morning.

And, yet another new visitor. This guy is not the same as my previous pheasant as he has different markings and missing tail feathers. He's much braver too and he's been back again today I notice.

My "normal" birdy visitors were getting quite frustrated haivng to wait while the big bruisers had their fill. I could see the finches and tits queueing up in the trees waiting impatiently.

He would be a handsome chap with his lovely white collar if it weren't for the scraggy tail. I wonder how he lost the feathers; a close encounter with a fox or something more mundane??

After the bustle of yesterday, it's been nice to have a quiet day to myself. I met a friend from work and her daughter for a walk this morning. Paula has recently taken on a cocker spaniel pup and she, Misty, is beautiful. She's black and white ticked, rather than roan like my girls but otherwise very similar. I would have taken photos today but the 3 of them were so manic it was tricky to get any shots at all!

Paula was keen to socialise Misty with other dogs and I can see why. When she arrived, Misty went ballistic when she saw Shelagh and Minyt, even before Minty had gone anywhere near her. She (Misty that is) has the most high pitched, piercing, yelpy bark I've ever heard. Like a squeeky tin can. Nightmare. The only time mine ever make a noise like that is if I accidently step on them.

Anyway, after a very noisy and choatic 15/20 minutes or so they all settled down and we enjoyed a muddy tramp for the next hour. I think it was a great sucess and I'm sure we'll go walking again.

Since then, I've just been having a quiet day, tidying the house, baking another Christmas cake and writing cards. Bliss.

Pleasingly, I don't seem to be interested in eating at all today - bizarre! Must have been TOTM which was causing the desire to stuff my face over the last couple of days as that has all gone now.

Oh, I forgot to update too. After my pessimism, the football went reasonably well with an exciting nil nil draw (it can be exciting NOT to see any goals, honest!). And the carol concert in the cave was lovely. It was beautifully lit and very atmospheric and we had a good old singsong accompanied by a local brass band. Then took the dogs up to the pub and had a pleasant pre-Christmas Saturday night out.

After a good week, a bad day.

It occured to me last night that the dogs were looking like yetis and there is no chance to get them to a groomer before Christmas now so I got out the dreaded scissors and set to. It's only a holding job so didn't go too close but I think they look very pretty, if a little lopsided!!

Shelagh...(watching telly while I try to photograph her for posterity!)

Minty...

Shelagh again with her big glamourous eyelashes highlighted...

I don't know what prompted it (thought record to be done there methinks) but I had a gluttonous evening last night. I stopped on my way home and bought 'stuff' to eat (there being nothing in the house) and I pretty much ate it over the course of the evening. I'm not going to go into details but, although I wouldn't say it was a "binge", it must have been heading that way.

It's weird though, I wasn't in a particularly negative mood, or down or unhappy. I just didn't feel like going out in the rain to the pub and fancied a night in front of the fire with the dogs having some food. Also, what I ate was very selective and I stopped once I'd had (a little bit more than)enough.

So, I'm not feeling particularly down on myself this morning. I recognise the pattern, of course, but my priority is to make sure this doesn't continue and that I get some exercise. There's no point in beating myself up. Actually I quite enjoyed my evening and although I feel a bit stuffed this morning and know I've set my dieting plans back a few days, it's not the end of the world.

As I lay awake in bed this morning, before getting up (I love Saturdays!), I tried to analyse my eating from the night before. I could feel the beginnings of self-loathing coming on; the "why did you have to do that you silly fat cow" thinking. But, I consciously decided to get up and walk away from that chain of thought. What I did was no worse than having a few too many glasses of wine and I wouldn't beat myself up for that. It's no worse than missing a session at the gym and I wouldn't think I was a failure for that. It's just one of those things and I need to deal with it.

Beating myself up at this point would be counter-productiveso I'm not going to . Hence the early morning blogging too.

Going back to the "pattern" I mentioned above. That is, when I have a certain amount of sucess, fell better about myself, relax and start to stray from whatever regime I'm following and ultimately come off it early. Not going to happen. I've built flexibility into this regime for precisely that reason. I'm not on a route march to the finish here, I can take detours and slow down if necessary but I must always, in my heart of hearts, know that I'm still on the journey. And I do.

My behaviour has changed even thoug there are still things I don't like about my eating habits but I'm going to continue to celebrate the positives and try to avoid the negatives and I'm not going to hate myself if I fail once in a while.

I've got a good actuve day ahead of me today. I'm taking the dogs out for a long muddy tramp this morning (weathre rubbish unfortunately). then I'm off to the football. Wednesday are playing Bristol City which is hardly a glamour tie but I feel those terrible seeds of hope. It's the worse thing you can do as the supporter of a crap football team, start to hope and even think that your team might win! I suspect we're going to be pegged down to size after a decent run-nette.

Then, home and straight out again to a carol concert in Castleton (http://www.derbyshire-peakdistrict.co.uk/castletonchristmaslights.htm) to meet up with some friends. I mentioned Castleton a few weeks back and it really is lovely and christmassy at this time of year and the concert is great too. It's held in the biggest of caverns and it's called "The Devil's Arse Sings!" so there's no problem getting kids to want to come along! Our local brass band are playing so I'm looking forward to it.

So, downstairs for a sensible LL breakfast then off for my walk. Have a good weekend everyone!!

He's gone!!

My final batch of sunny frosty pics from Sunday. It was just such a beautiful morning I had to make the most of it photographically.

I think I'm looking a bit slimmer and the trousers are a size down from the ones I was wearing in South Africa.

No, not Diarmuid!! He has gone back to the rig but I knew that was coming. No, I'm talking about Huw, my lovely personal trainer!!

He told me ages ago he was going away in December but I promptly forgot all about it. Now he's actually gone for a whole month. (To New Zealand to do ridiculously healthy and outdoorsy pursuits with his girlfriend the lucky beast. Not the girlfirend bit - the New Zealand for a month bit!!) My next session is not until 13 January! I'll really have to pull my finger out now as I have been relying on the fact of those 2 sessions each week being my bare minimum to ensure that I don't totally fall off the exercise wagon.

[Hmmmm, how does that analogy work? Have I been clinging on by my fingernails being dragged behind the wagon or am I running alongside it trying to hop back in??]


One good thing is that I played badminton for the first time in years yesterday and loved it. Unfortunately, I played with a colleague and thrashed him (well, gently and nicely but you know what blokes are like, especially young lads). I tried to be kind but there was no hiding that I was WAY better than him at badders! If I could find another partner or another couple to balance out the disparity that would be a good solution for at least one session of the missing exercise per week.

Apart from that, I'll just have to suck up the pain and get back to the pool or the body combat class. I know I'll enjoy either of them when I get there, it's just the laziness and resistance I feel about actually getting organised and going in my lunchtime etc. Pathetic really.

Gulp!

Busy busy busy

Dog wars on our walk on Sunday. Shelagh finds stick.

Minty wants stick.

She can't have it. Well, not without a fight...

Finally, one each....peace breaks out.

I can't believe 3 full days have passed since I last posted/my last confession. It doesn't feel that fast but I have been very hectic both at home and at work. I thought I was going to have a night in tonight but then got a call from my Lighter Life Counsellor asking me if I could make a class this evening instead of tomorrow. As it suited me, I dashed off and have been rewarded by a nice solid drop on the scales. I was not optimistic either as I had eaten and drunk before class and it was a day early so it just shows that you never can tell!

I noted the irony of listening to a message from my LLC and then rushing off to a class while I was actually in the middle of baking a Christmas Cake! I had to finish the final mixing in of the fruit and treacle and brown papering before I could leave. Still, the house smells GORGEOUS now and it should be ready in 30 minutes or so. I'm not going to touch it before Christmas of course but will take it to my parents at Christmas (where I might have a slice or two!!).

It was another good class this evening. Only 3 of us and I didn't know either of the other women but we talked about some useful stuff. I think it was good because they are both in Developers so still have a little way to go whereas I have finished and then started again. We all had different experiences to bring to the table. I think they appreciated some of the tips and stuff I had picked up along the way and I enjoyed being reminded of that full-on abstinence fervour and just why I did the diet in the first place.

After nearly 2 years, it helps to remember how crap I felt at my biggest and just how much I have achieved. The other 2 women were much closer to that feeling; still in that first flush of excitement at (so far) having dropped 4 and 6 stones respectively.

I've had a reasonable week. I've eaten twice, on Monday at a Christmas lunch and on Tuesday at Pizza Hut before the football. The Christmas lunch was a big 3 course meal and I pretty much ate all of it but Tuesday's meal was a sensible salad. Both of them were planned and I didn't use them as an excuse for going "off-road" afterwards. The other good thing is that I didn't eat over the weekend. I would have done if we'd have gone out for a meal but, as we didn't, I didn't weaken. So, I'm generally pretty pleased with myself.

Exercise is still somewhat minimal, just 2 proper sessions each week and one or two walks over the weekend. It's not terrible but it's not going to help me progress. I see it as treading water for the time being and I'm going to have another push at getting more motivated after Christmas.

So, I'm a woman with a plan and, so far, it seems to be working. I just need to keep at it, keep blogging and keep smiling!!

Frosty (mainly) food-free Sunday

I couldn't believe that Shelagh actually wanted to go swimming! It was freezing but she looked really let down when we called her away! Daft mutt.

A beautiful, feisty horse in the sunshine. He had just been let out of his horsebox as we walked past and went into a little routine of bucking and cantering around the field to celebrate. I'm afraid I wasn't quick enough with the camera to catching that bit but he was still worth a shot.

It's been a lovely lazy day. I woke up to a gorgeous, frosty, sunny morning and dragged D out of bed so that we could go for a walk along the river before the sun got to the frost. He didn't quite understand the urgency but we made it out. It was magnificent....blue sky, a cold cold day and shimmering frost everywhere. Minty loved it - she can't have experienced the feeling of crispy frozen fields under her paws many times as she just went berserk racing round in circles and annoying the hell out of her ma.

She's still a bad dog and I'm afraid to have to report a sheep chasing incident which cut down her freedom considerably but, in the sheep free areas, she was cute and I think we'll get there on the obedience front with time and patience.

Aftter the walk, just chores and then I stopped into an "Open Studio" held by an artist who lives in my village. Normally, I find her stuff a bit florid - all swirly bright colours and rather weird landscapes but she had a triptych of 3 oils depicting one of the local gritstone edges with abandoned millstones below in an autumn storm. All moody browns and purples and just very atmospheric. So, that's what D has bought me for Christmas. He was very pleased when I told him!!

I got chatting to the artist about the paintings before I decided to go for them and told her what I liked about them and what happy memories they triggered in me (my nephew and the dogs clambering around on the rocks of Bamford Edge in the pouring rain last summer) . Afterwards, when I'd paid for them, we got chatting.

I don't really know her other than to nod to but she seems to be having a really bad year and she said how those 3 painting were pretty much all she had been able to get done since spring and how they reflected a pretty bad time for her (hence the dark colours and stormy mood). She then went on to say how me seeing really positive pictures in the paintings and saring them with her had lifted her and she seemed genuinely touched. Strange isn't it how short encounters and just opening up to random peolple can sometimes make ..a big difference...it was just a little story on my part but it obviously had a big effect on her for her own personal reasons.

I love them. They're already hung in our living room and they're just perfect there.

As you can probably tell, I'm having a good day. Food has not been a problem; our walk was very energetic - hilly and nearly 3 hours long; and since then a relaxing afternoon watching a truly terrible film (10,000 BC - don't do it!!) in front of the fire with a dog each on our laps. What's not to like? I'm off out to the inter-pub quiz league match again this evening too which will keep me busy and away from temptation.

D is off to work tomorrow and won't be back until 30 December but at least we've finally managed to enjoy each other's company and have a nice time, just before it was too late!! Phew!

Much better now

D with his usual smiling photo face!!

My lovely village, nestling in the low afternoon winter sunshine. I love it when you get that pinky glow.

Me in the pinky glow with Bad Minty as she is now known!

A random pony who caught my eye.

I went to my class on Thursday evening and had a predictably poor result on the scales. Not a gain but not wonderful. But, it didn't depress me for the reasons I mentioned in my last post. I was pleased to be there and it's all part of a learning process after all.

As it happened, no-one else in my class could stay for class, they either dropped in to get weighed or had arranged to come another evening. That meant it was just me and the Counsellor. Perfect eh? An hour of free one on one therapy. I made the most of it believe me.

We did a thought record together about my row with D on Tuesday evening and it was quite hard work it has to be said but very worthwhile. I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of it but I found it very revealing, very helpful and quite emotional.

She was great and I only cried a little bit!

Since then, D and I have been on more of an even keel and he's started to come round as he usually does to a more middle ground position so we are working together rather than pulling apart. We've had a nice if somewhat unspectacular day today and hopefully we can do what we've wanted all along, which is to have a nice time together before he goes back to the rig for Christmas.

In other news, I found sticking to the diet hard yesterday. I felt much more positive after my Thursday night class but I also gave blood and felt quite faint so ended up having a few biscuits. I know I probably didn't really need them but there we go. I stopped the rot in the evening though. Today has been much better food wise.

This morning, the dogs had the shock of their lives. We had arranged for a dog trainer to come round to help us whip Minty into shape. We didn't have any problems with Shelagh when she was a pup but she is a naturally submissive dog . Minty, on the othre hand, thinks she is the boss of us and it has caused some problems with her behaviour. She's not a helldog or anything but she could be much better. Anyway, the trainer has diagnosed her and given us a list of commands and things to do to stop her barking at the front door when visitors come; jumping up; not coming back to us; and pulling on the lead. So far so good. We can see improvements already.

If only it were so easy to adjust human thinking eh? God, if someone could come around to your hosue, receive a rather large cheque and then give you a few commands so that you no longer pick at unnecessary food or graze from the fridge or crave bread with butter.....how fab would that be? I suppose that's why hypnotists are so popular in the weight loss world - people think it will be a magic solution. I presume it's not or we'd all go...

Anyway, the not pullingon the lead thng is her most resistant bad trait so I spent a frustrating walk today trying to get her to walk to heel and snarling "Baaah" at her repeatedly in a guttural low pitched growl as per instructions...anyone who heard me would have assumed I was cracked.

Better but not perfect.

Say hello to this handsome chap spotted in our slushy garden this morning. It's quite gloomy today so the quality is not good. I've seen him once before so I hope he becomes a regular visitor and preferably on a sunny day so I can snap him in all his glory (before he gets shot by some Hooray Henry out on the moors that is...)

He was very edgy so even opening the upstairs window to take the picture caused him to edge away. Hopefully he'll become a bit tamer in time. My parents have a visiting pheasant who comes back year after year and actually taps on the conservatory door for his seeds!

And finally, some greedy guts goldfinches. I keep meaning to take some better bird shots as we have so many visitors and will try to do so when the sun in shining (if it ever shines again...).

It was a strange day yesterday. I felt much better about life in general but, eating wise, I found it even harder to control myself than I had the day before.

So, unfortunately, I didn't. I battled all day with the strong desire to eat "stuff" and gave in 5 times and had a biscuit. So, that's 5 biscuits I didn't need. Sigh. Then, on my way home, the desire to "be really bad" snuck into my head. I had wild ideas about fish and chips, burgers, curries. All sorts. Daft really. Anyway, I talked myself out of all of that nonsense but, later on at home, succumbed to toast, with butter and grilled cheese. Sad.

To be honest, it was not a binge of monumental proportions or anything; I don't think 3 slices of toast can even count as a binge can it?? But it was the fact that I chose them knowingly and despite previously having talked myself out of going off plan. It felt like a failure. It was rebellious child not adult and that's what annoyed me.

When I've eaten off plan over the last few weeks, it has been as a result of a conscious decision and I've chosen what I was going to eat or drink and stopped there. This time, it could have been anything. Toast was all that was realistically available to me, so toast it was.

If I'm looking for positives, the following would count:

• I didn't let my toast adventure lead to anything more and I substituted the toast for my evening packs.
  
• I have a class this evening and I have not once considered not going so obviously my commitment to the plan is still strong. In the past, when I've deviated and felt that I might not have a good loss, I've been tempted not to go to class and "have a really good week to catch up next week". Which, of course, doesn't happen and tends to be the start of the slippery slope off that particular diet! This time, I'm looking forward to my class in order to reinforce the plan and discuss why I went off plan yesterday. Maybe it's because this class leader is so much better than the last one?!
  
• I'm working from home today so no biscuits to tempt me and I'm feeling much more in control.


• I went to training this morning in the freezing slush and worked out really hard again so feel virtuous and nicely sore.
  

So, once again, blogging has turned my feelings of dissatisfaction into positives and kept me battling for another day. Phew.....

It's a struggle

My snowy drive to work this morning. The steely gloom matched my mood but was very beautiful.

The sun peaked out as I got closer to work though. It would have a been a great day for walking the dogs.

I've really been troubled by temptation to eat over the last couple of days. In the main I've managed to avoid it but it's not been great. I think it's because D and I have been a bit grumpy with each other.

Trouble is, grumpiness has the effect of making me want to hide away and food has always been my hiding place of choice. I'm trying to be different this time and face things head on but God it's hard.

Still, despite the grumpiness, I'm just about sticking to my task. If I really want to weaken, then I'm trying to divert myself or only have an extra pack so I don't stray too far from the regime.

I went to personal training this morning and, strangely, was able to work out much harder than usual. Huw commented that I was knocking out more reps at higher weights than I have for a while. It was knackering but maybe I wanted the physical tiredness to distract me from the mental tension?? Work was tough too as an unforeseen problem arose today but that helped in a way as well as I could concentrate on dealing with that for most of the day and keep busy.

So, now I'm blogging and pouring my little issues out and hope that it isn't too dull or personal. It helps, sometimes, to process things. It has actually helped because, as I write, I realise that this spat is pretty unimportant really. I love D and he loves me. We're healthy and fine. Our dogs are fine too and we're just being grumpy to each other. I'm sure it'll blow over and we'll have a nice weekend before he goes back to the rig. That's probably half the problem anyway; the fact that he's away for Christmas.

There, I feel lighter already.

Back to the straight and narrow.

Shelagh on our very cold walk this afternoon. It occurred to me that I've put up a lot of shotsof Minty but not many of Shelagh recently...

Winter berries. They looked so cheerful against the iron grey winter's afternoon.

It's been good to have a few days at home (I took Friday and Monday off work). We've done quite a few home maintenance type chores, having the front room carpet professionally cleaned (it's fantastic - like getting a new carpet); hanging up pictures which have been framed and ready to go for months if not years; gardening; tidying; repotting house plants; moving furniture and ornaments around; that sort of stuff.

Now, the house feels cleaner and more homely, just more "as it should be". And it's great knowing that everything is properly clean, not just on the surface. (In my defence, it is a nightmare with 2 dogs and an open fire, the dust gets everywhere!)

It seems a bit like diet and fitness for your body: you jog along doing a little bit of exercise, a bit of eating healthily and bit of relaxing but, after a while, unless you take it seriously, the bad habits creep back in and the weight slides back on. Every now and then you need a "service", an overhaul of your systems and a back-to-basics routine to stop the rot.

I've done that with my eating over the last few weeks but not my exercise. I haven't given up on the exercise, but it's not an intrinsic part of my routine as it was less than a year ago. That is the next thing to tackle. Hopefully it will get easier as I start to feel smaller and lighter.