Good stuff...

Some beautiful orchids littering the verge on my drive to work. They showed up in that site a few years ago and the Peak Park's new policy of not trimming the verges as heavily has really paid off as now there is an absolute mass of them. Stunning.

A rather forlorn little black lop-eared rabbit out in the middle of nowhere. Hopefully it is doing alright but it has obviously been domesticated at some stage as was relatively tame compared to your common or garden brown bunnies.

I liked these sheep - they looked as though they were waiting for a bus, somewhat impatiently too!

So, what have we been up to while I've been so dilatory in posting? It's been good actually, we've been busy doing fun stuff. A couple of weekends ago we went to see Bruce Springsteen at Hard Rock Calling in Hyde Park. It was the day after his headlining at Glastonbury and much more civilised for me and D (muddy festivals not really our thing any more). He gave a brilliant show as ever although I'm not the major Bruce fan, that's more Diarmuid. He has so much energy for a 59 year old man! It's very impressive and very inspiring.

It made me think about how I should commit to a healthy lifesyle even further than I have done if it helps one reap those sorts of rewards. The contrast between Bruce ripping through his 3 hour high energy set and other 59/60 years olds (or even 20 year olds!) of my acquaintance was dramatic. I know which one I'd rather be.

The other bands in the line-up were pretty good too although we weren't over impressed by the Dave Matthews Band - too "chippy" and a bit snide I thought and their songs were very samey. I loved the Gaslight Anthem set though - so fresh and vital.

So, that was one weekend down in London. We stayed with my pal Natalie for one night and in a smart hotel on the night after the concert. On the Saturday night, she and D got horrendously drunk while I was much more abstemious although I did join them in a few glasses of red wine. That was hilarious: me walking between the 2 of them with my arms rounds their waists, steering 2 lurching, very "happy" people home down Old Brompton Road in the middle of the night while they each told me how much they "really, really loved me" and how I was their "besht friend ever..."!

Then last weekend we were over in Lincolnshire staying at my parents for the Waddington Air Show. It was a lovely day out with my cousin Jo and her husband Dennis. They're a fair bit older than us so I never really knew her as a youngster. It's only been in the last few years since my uncle died that Jo and Dennis have been bringing my aunt up to Mum and Dad's to keep in touch with my mum (her sister) and we've got to know the 2 of them really well. We had such a good day - a great spot near the runway, perfect weather, hot sunshine, but a cooling breeze and a little cloud cover, constant entertainment and a lovely picnic with much beer flowing (although not not much of it in my direction).

I really enjoyed the challenge of trying to capture the planes and the acrobatic displays on camera so took far too many pictures. Some of them have turned out really well though so now I have the chore of organising them etc. I think I'll enlarge one of the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight and have it framed as a gift for Dad as they lived through WW2 and remember the bombing raids over Grimsby and all the Lancasters, Hurricanes and Spitfires. And remember it all sort of fondly which seems bizarre when you think about it!

So, all in all that was a really good weekend. I appreciate now, more than ever, time spent with my parents; I get on well with my dad and know that he needs the company and variety as my mother's mind is slowly but surely disappearing from us. She has good spells though and last weekend was one of those. Maybe spending time with her sister helped as the 2 of them spent a lot of time reminiscing and old memories are always the freshest. I suppose the old wartime planes buzzing overhead might have helped as well! It's sad to think that my mum isn't the same woman she once was but at least she's not in distress although that may still come. We can still have a laugh...

At one stage, on Sunday morning, Dennis and I were in the conservatory just off the kitchen reading the papers in peace. Don't know where everyone else was, possibly picking fruit in the garden or something but mum and her sister were in the kitchen chatting. They are both going a bit gaga so you can imagine how sucessful they were at remembering their respective ages?! They had one solid fact between them which is that Mum is 5 years younger than Betty. Apart from that it was chaos. They couldn't work out the year either of them were born and then, when they did and I shouted through that they were right, they didn' know what year it is now. So I supplied them with 2009 but then they had to subtract 1926 from 2009! For 2 former teachers, their maths skills were very poor! "89!" roared my auntie Betty, "I'm never 89!". No, you're 83.... "Well that makes me 76" said Mum, "No, 78" I corrected. It took ages but they were dogged in getting to the end. You've got to laugh and Dennis and I were nearly crying it was so comical. I managed to get a laugh out of dad telling the story in the pub later too. It might sound a bit heartless but I promise it isn't, just realistic.

Mum's issues are another reason for trying to live a healthy lifestyle. Her weight problem may well have contributed to her dementia. There is a link acknowledged by the scientific community between obesity and memory loss. Not only that, I've observed it anecdotally. She used to be very active and adventurous. Then, a few years ago, when her weight started to take its toll in the form of tirednes and injuries, she gradually withdrew from all the physical and social activities she had previously enjoyed - gardening, flower arranging, a computer course, visits into Loncoln shopping on the bus with her pals from the village, church and charity stuff in the village. It's as though she decided that she was old and that was it (aged 75-6!). I'm sure that, had she not had the weight issues, she would have carried on for much longer and I'm equally sure that, if she had carried on being active, the memory loss would have been staved off for another few years. Her sister who is 5 years older, is only now going through the same thing. When her husband died she suddenly felt much more vulnerable, decided she can't walk anywhere and also stopped going out as much and now her memory is declining rapidly.

I know it's probably not as simple as all that but the link looks obvious to me in my family and I'm determined to work at being active and questing well into old age.

Reflections on the TV thing

I hope you have some patience for pictures of aircraft as I took a lot at RAF Waddington! It was a brilliant day out with D and my cousin Jo and her husband. We had gorgeous weather, a lovely picnic, a great spot near the runway - what more can you ask for? I really enjoyed trying to capture the aircraft with my long lense too. I had some serious camera envy though - there were some proper geek boys and girls there with some major hardware!! I have a life though... I have a life I tell you!!

The awesome Chinook - the piot is waving - look!


It's like watching a house doing aerobatics in the sky - it shouldn't work but it does.

A Lynx doing a full loop the loop.

The ever mean looking Black Hawk....looks like an angry hornet I think.

The Chinook bowing at the end of its display.

And the Falcon sky-diving display team. they were amazing - my niece who is into sky-diving, would have been salivating.

I've concentrated on the helicopters today - next time - Red Arrows!!!

2 weeks ago now, we had our penultimate measurement session for the TV programme. I actually wrote most of this post around then but have been too lazy/busy to finish it off and post it. My bad. Still I think it still holds true. I'll do some more recent updating about what we've been up to soon as I've got a bit more time over the next week of so.

We were weighed, measured (the dreaded skinfold!) and had another go at the 1km time trial. I'm not going to give the results out as I don't want to spoil the show so tough!! It was our last mid-term checkpoint before the final session is filmed on Friday 24 July. In other words, the final chance to kick us up the backside as we then had only 4 weeks to go (now just over 2!).

Now is, therefore, a good opportunity for me to begin to assess how the experience has been for me.

Overall, positive. It has been surprising though. You think, when something like this starts, that it will be all-consuming; that you will be conscious of the demands of the telly all the time and that not a morsel will pass your lips without censure as you'll be so concerned about being filmed at the end. Sadly (or happily perhaps) that has not been the case. I've been surprised how laidback it has been. We have been on our own really as the support has been available (if we ask for it) but certaily not omnipresent. Maybe this won't make such good telly as we've not taken it as seriously as I think the TV company perhaps wanted us to, taking our lead from the input from British Cycling.

But, for my selfish purposes, it has been ideal. I didn't really want a spartan bootcamp for 12 weeks during which time I would lose a stack of weight and get fit but didn't live in the real world or learn anything of value going forward. I've already done that with knobs on in the form of Lighter Life. I know I can lose weight by depriving myself because I did that in 2007 and lost 9 stone! I wanted to learn how to live in the real world and control my weight and exercise habits in that real place. And I have (well, I've made a good start).

It has taught me a lot. I have lost weight. Not a huge amount (just over a stone (18lbs) so far in 10 weeks) but enough and, crucially, I have done it while I have been eating and enjoying life!! I have re-ignited my love of exercise and put it back to front and centre in my life. I have learned a lot about how my mind ticks as a healthy, human woman. I feel as though this programme will not be the end of the matter. Unlike with Lighter Life, where, when the foodpacks stopped, so did the regime, this is NOT a "diet" so will not end abruptly, leaving a vacuum in its place. I'm already planning my continuing exercise regime through the summer and beyond and rehearsing to myself how much weight I will realistically lose by the end of the summer, and then by my 40th birthday in November.

I'm not frightened of continuing with this way of eating and living FOREVER! That is a first for me. I've always secretly (and not so secretly in the case of Lighter Life) resented whatever diet I've been doing and had those treacherous little thoughts at the back of my mind "when you come off the diet, you can...." with fish and chips and chocolate biscuits featuring heavily. I don't think I'm ever going to come off this diet because I'm not on one.

I feel as though a massive weight has been taken from me and, when I really press my little brain to work out what that weight is, I conclude that it is the word "should". It is the cumulative effect of the shame and guilt which has, for me at least, been hitherto intimately associated with eating and exercising. The TV programme's biggest gift to me has been demonstrating to me that I'm not a bad/weak/failing person just because I have not always been able to control my eating or exercise. That it is about learning skills to make me suceed at my goals (staying slim and healthy) not "being a better person". Once that moral judgement is removed I have found it sooo much easier to focus on what I'm doing.

If I really don't want to go for a run, well, I'll do something else. It's not about willpower or forcing myself to do stuff I hate, it's about being healthy and incorporating some form of exercise into my life. If I eat a bit more than I should, I try to work out why and how I might not do so in the future, I don't beat myself up as a failure and then want to eat all the more.

So, it has been a resounding sucess for me even though I am not going to be on telly, punching my way through a paper screen looking like a twiglet!!

Aaaaargh!

We went to the Waddington Air Show last weekend. Much fun - I've got loads more pics but liked this one 'cos those girls look like I feel - just about keeping it all together even though they're in a v v v precarious position! Keep smiling!!

I can't believe how quickly time passes.... I blame my absence on the sunshine, the dieting and exercise and the fact that D is home and we have been away and out doin'. He's back to the rig tomorrow and it's turning cooler so I will be back!! I have much to report on and a few confessions to make!

Hope you're all good and enjoying the summer without overindulging (much!).

Mwah!

Bad blogger

I've just been for a glorious run along the river and then up a big hill and back home along a farm track. Heavenly. But, I didn't take my camera on the basis that I have posted loads of pics from that particular route. Aaaargh!

It was late evening and sunny, but I was running towards a massive black cloud so there was an awesome rainbow. Just as I struggled to the top of the hill and stopped at the stile to catch my breath I turned and saw this double bow just perfectly framing Hathersage. Beautiful.

Oh well. You can't win 'em all and at least I enjoyed it!

Apart from the run and being really good foodwise, I feel fat and bloated!! It's very annoying. I have to have faith that it's just TOTM but my big monthly weigh-in for the TV programme is tomorrow evening as well as the 1km time trial. I'll be cursing if I haven't lost any weight or if I can't improve my speed!! Bad timing.

Hey ho.....wish me luck.

The Fog (not the one by James Herbert)

Just some random pics which haven't seen the light of blog. Below is "The B of the Bang" outside the Eastlands Stadium (Man City ground) in Manchester, which happens to be opposite the velodrome. I'm glad I snapped it out of the window of my car at a traffic light a few weeks ago because they have just about dismantled it now! It is no more. Apparently some of the big prongs fell out which is "not right safe" (as they say in Sheffield!).

Cute sheep sitting on their ma

This one didn't want to get up even she she stood up. I felt guilty for disturbing her!

Minty guarding her toy and enjoying the sun through a bedroom window....is it wrong to envy your pet's flat tummy? I'm glad my tum is not as furry as hers though!!

I have been trying to be "interesting" in my blog now that I've hit 500 posts. A novel departure you'll agree. It's only fair; if you've stuck it out for this long, you deserve a few challenges rather than a list of my food and exercise and a few pics of my dogs (what am I saying, pictures of my dogs alone make life worth living!!!). But it's tricky to think up new stuff - kudos to the likes of Shauna and Jennette for consistently keeping me interested! Now, I'm not setting my stall out that high, don't need the aggro, but I thought that, once in a while, I would try and get a bit deep to remind myself that it's worth the effort and that getting and staying healthy isn't just about calories and low-fat recipes.

I've been pondering on the phenomenon I think of as "The Fog". This is the state which can last a day, a few days or sometimes several weeks or even months where you drift away from your tried and tested routine of food and exercise and into murkier waters. Where you shut your mind to the consequences of what you're eating and drinking and "forget" to exercise. Where every test of will seems beyond you.

When you becalmed in The Fog, you don't really know it; you think you're just having a hard day and you'll get it back tomorrow. It's only later, when you sail out of The Fog that you look back and think - "what the hell was that?". Everything suddenly seems so much easier; healthy food tastes delicious again; exercise is wonderful and the scales start to head south....la la la...Happy Days.

I've been caught by The Fog loads of times. Now, I even recognise it and can, if I really try, swerve out of its grasp but, even now, it can ensnare me from time to time. I want to know what triggers it; what I can do to evade it; how I can make it short and WHY ME?? [Note - I know nothing about clinical depression and really don't think my Fog is anywhere near that extreme. I can still function fine, go to work, get up in the morning, even force myself to do exercise etc, don't cry randomly and can still have a good time on occasions throughout the fogginess but, overall I suppose a cloud of fog is heading in that general direction.]

What helps me to avoid the Fog? In no particular order:

• Company; having things arranged. If I'm at home by myself and have a quiet weekend, I often look forward to it, thinking that I'll get loads done but now I realise that these are the danger times for me. I need to make sure that I have arranged at least a couple of social events, be they a night out, a walk with a pal, or just doing some gardening or shopping with someone. An empty weekend is a trigger.
  
• Keeping busy. Nearly the same thing but it's not so much about the company but more about the activity and stimulation that it brings. If I'm dashing around going to personal training, french class, velodrome, running, pub quiz, walking the dog, watching football, socialising, I'm less likely to hit the fogbank, more likely to sail in clear waters.
  
• Change. When I completed my half marathon last spring, I was stale and bored with the relentless demands of my running training but I had nothing to replace it with so I slacked off on the running (almost stopped it) and this created a vacuum inviting the Fog into my life. If I had replaced it with tennis or golf or mountain biking, who knows whether I might have been able to stave off last year's lengthy (and expensive in terms of weight) stay in the foggy doldrums. What I do know is that taking up cycling and learning the track discipline for this TV programme has stimulated my love of exercise again, I'm back running and I'm enjoying it all in a different way.
  
• Reasonable expectations. If I expect too much of myself then I'm bound to "fail". This then sets up the stressed eating and hiding behaviour which characterises the Fog. If I accept that I do a lot and sometimes just need to rest and that's okay, then I'm Iess likely to push myself into failing.

What helps me get out of The Fog once I'm in it?

• Often, outside accountability. Being weighed and having to report to someone else. This can jolt me out of my complacency and avoidance of the issue.
  
• Time. Sometimes you just get through it. Usually though, time is accompanied by gaining weight so it's not really the passage of time but desperation because I've gone up a size (or in the bad old days 2!) that leads to me emerging from the Fog. This is NOT what I want. I need to find a way to get out of it before I'm wearing a larger size!
  
• Help. A third party, be it a friend who invites me to go jogging or someone to go to a slimming class with. A bit random.

So, it seems that the best way to cut short a period of bad habits is to set up a structure of outside accountability while you're in the good times in readiness for the bad. The need to weigh myself at set times and report on this weight to someone who would force/encourage immediate action if gains are made. How to set this up, I'm not quite sure. I thought originally that a weekly weigh in of my own and a graph on the fridge or something. But I'm not sure this is strong enough. When I'm in the thrall of the Fog I'm very good at fooling myself and could easily rationalise away any gains. Will think about this. Maybe get D involved in a positive way in maintaining my weight although this seems like anathema to me.

BTW, all this talk about the Fog is just my way of thinking about this. In reality, it all fits perfectly with the chimp theory. The Fog is when my chimp is in control and the behaviour prevalent during the Fog is her behaviour. So I'm really talking about avoiding periods of time when my chimp is in control and wresting back control when she is. Hopefully, as I learn to live my life in a better balance and keep my chimp happy on a day to day basis, this Fog business will recede but, at the moment, it's something I have to guard against.

Phew, another biggie. I must post a few more...went for a walk, ate muesli....la la la posts or I'll tire you out!

Carrot versus stick

Some pics from a late evening run a week or so ago, setting sun and long shadows. It's chucking it down tonight with a heavy thunder storm and lightning so I won't be heading out tonight. This is when the exercise bike comes in handy.

Mad-eyed Shelagh...is she worried about the ducks behind stealing her stick?

Minty the coward still won't go out of her depth.

Time to post again. I'll get some stats out of the way first. In the "Lose a Stone Before 1 August" Challenge, I have managed to lose another lb bringing my first week's total to 3 off. Pleased with that. So now I'm 13 stone 9lb, only another 11 to go!

On the TV front, it has been quiet and a bit stagnant to be honest. I feel as though we've been trudging through the exercise and diet without much input recently. Hopefully, that'll change as we have 1 more week to go before another lot of weights, measurements and our penultimate 1km time trial on Tuesday 23 June. That motivates me and gives me something to really aim at this next week. I think the sense of a "lull" was what caused me to seize on Lainey's idea of losing a stone. I need that added interest to keep me going.

So, why am I feeling the lack of input? If I'm honest, I think its because I wanted this TV programme to "solve" my issues for me. As I have done throughout my history of dieting and exercising. I wanted this new guru to step in, tell me what to do, motivate me to do it and, essentially, wave his magic wand, all in full view of the TV cameras, until I was slim and able to maintain my slimness. Clearly, that is never going to happen.

The beauty of the TV programme is that they have left us to it to a large extent. It is clear that our motivation or lack of it has to come from ourselves. The Psych guy has made it clear that we are the queens of our programmes and he and the rest of the team are merely knowledgeable advisers. This is beginning to sink in; when I've had a bad week or a poor day, it takes less time for me to stop the rot, turn the behaviour round and start to lose again. I'm wasting less time bemoaning my fate and berating myself for slipping off the wagon and more time looking forward and concentrating on what I need to do to achieve my goals.

This leads me to 2 topics which are new to me (amazingly - I mean I'm nearly 40 years old, you would have thought these might have occured to me before now!):

1. Goals

It's important to have them. Well, durrr. However, how you formulate them is important too. Previously my goals were large and general - "I need to lose 9 stone", "I need to get fit", "I want to be able to wear size 12 clothes and look good". Maybe then I needed such big goals to spur me on to lose the bulk. But now, such general statements are not terribly helpful. "I need to lose 3 stone/ 2 stone" does not motivate in the same way. Now, I think it helps to tie your goals to specific deadlines, to vary them and to break them down:

• "I want to lose a stone by 1 August". It's catchy, manageable and measurable. It will make me happy. I know how to do it and just have to get on with it. Seemples..
  
• "I want to improve my 1km time trial time". This has been interesting as it has lead me to look at exercise in a whole new way. Previously, exercise was only there to help me lose weight. Now it is an end in itself, one of my goals. So, instead of trudging through the low intensity, long lasting aerobic stuff which burns the most calories, I'm adding in sprinting and high intensity intervals. This has challenged me and made me appreciate what my body can do. I'm seeing an improvement in my times and an improvement in the intensity at which I can work. I did it before when I trained for the half marathon but that involved more of the same in terms of long distance running. Once the TV programme is over, I'm going to find something new, a new skill which I can work on.
  
• "I want to work on my relationship". The work we've done with the Psych guy has not just been limited to track times and weight. He recognises (as we all do) that external factors have a bearing on the achievement of our goals. His insight into the interaction between my chimp and D's has been amazing. It has explained so much. I have found this the single most useful aspect of the programme. In applying some of his suggestions, I've felt much more relaxed and able to appreciate the many positive things about D and minimise any negativity and some of the niggles of a long distance relationship. It has been advice in the real world too; there's no suggesion that everything is always going to be perfect but lots of helpful ways to smooth things out and minimise stress.

2. Motivation

This is different to one's goals. Goals are what you are aiming for, motivation is what makes you do the work. Motivation, inspiration; I think they're the same thing. Given the dearth of external motivation from the TV programme, I have been increasingly trying to work out what works for me. Previously, I think I was afraid. I lost weight because I was frightened of how fat I had become. I was worried that I would somehow "fail" at life. My marriage might struggle, I wouldn't be popular, I wouldn't be attractive. All scary stuff. I masked these fears with a show of bravado and outward confidence of course.

Now though, my motivation is much more positive. There is no stick and lots of carrot (quite literally, mate...). I'm moving towards a healthy, active, attractive life which involves lots of balance. Now, I'm inspired not intimidated by women who seem to be living the life I want to live.

Like my friend who lost weight years ago and since than has incorporated running into her life and now looks as though she is bursting with health and vitality (and great legs!). So much so that she has recently taken up learning to drive a horse drawn carriage (which is harder and scarier than it might sound)! Helen who bikes regularly and stays slim and combines motherhood with working and running our play area fund-raising group. Peridot who bikes into work and braves the London traffic, the Pillock Peloton (I love that phrase) and hair issues! Stacey who gave up a well paying legal job in the City, moved up to near me in the middle of the countryside and now has a feature film she co-produced being released at the Edinburgh Film Festival ("A Boy Called Dad" - check it out, plug plug plug). Mrs L who constantly strives to better herself , help others and support her family and pals despite challenges on the health front.

When I'm feeling flat or unmotivated I try and think about these women and remind myself that they must have times when they don't want to do whatever it is but they do do it and look at the results.

I'm not scared to use competition as a motivating factor either. I recognise that I am quite competitive and, as long as it doesn't drag me down if I'm not "the best", which I'm frequently not, it's a useful spur to my chimp. "If she can do it, so can I", sort of thing.

Now, I'm developing a picture of what I'm aiming at not running away from something that frightens me. It's much nicer this way round.

Number 500!!

I took the girls for a glorious walk this evening after french - we went up to Stanage Edge, walked along it and then back through the woods to the quiet road and back to the car into the setting sun. Heaven heaven heaven.

A pretty foxglove just opening.

An even newer foxglove with the sun behind.

The view over Stanage Edge. I walk along the top and then back down through those woods to the road on the right of the photo. It's nice walk because you can see your whole route spread before you.

Supermodel Minty.

A self-timer effort with Shelagh trying to slurp my face and Minty standing by wanting a go.

Minty's turn.

Don't we look sweet? Minty is better tha Shelagh at this as she doesn't always lick my face just as the camera takes the picture. She is pretty vain to be honest!


The sun beginning to set through the trees.

The walk down to the road

I stopped the car on the way home to snap this sunset - it was stunning, the picture does not do it justice.

Who'd have thought that I'd post 500 times??! I don't even know what prompted me to start the blog in the first place...honestly, the motivation must have appeared out of thin air as I still can't remember what made me do it that fateful night before I started Lighter Life back in January 2007. I'm pleased I did though as it has been a source of pleasure, learning and friendship.

Claire from Lose to Gain wrote a list of things that are better now that she has lost loads of weight and this has set me thinking. I too wrote lists during the Lighter Life process. Everything was happening so fast and changes were hitting left, right and centre. My mind wasn't able to keep up with my changing body shape so I obsessively documented each new occurence. It was great. "I can cross my legs!" "I can fit into an airline seat!" "I can shop in normal shops" "I'm thinner than my best friend!"

Each new realisation was celebrated and analysed and seemed to add a new layer to the notion that I would never return to fatdom. Well, nearly 2 years have passed and I have not returned to fatdom although I did flirt with it and I haven't remained as slender as I briefly was. My mind has caught up with my body and I recognise new definitions of "fat" and "thin". I have changed (I hope) forever.

So, what is new and exciting about this stage in my (beware, dreaded word coming, avert your eyes if of a sensitive disposition) journey?

• An inner calm and confidence. I do not dread things in the same way as I used to. The stakes are not as high. Why might this be so? I mean, I've only lost weight not changed jobs or inherited a fortune. I think it the achievement of a longheld desire which has taught me that I can do stuff; I can set my mind to a goal and achieve it. And also the sheer fact of being slimmer and more attractive sets my inner chimp (yes, her again) at ease as she worries about these things. Life for a fat chimp is necessarily more precarious and a fat chimp would be more insecure and worried about her main aims, namely finding a partner in order to procreate. [Note - I'm not the chimp - just because she cares about these things and causes me grief in so doing, doesn't mean that I do but it helps me if she is happy too.]

• After that rather deep effect, a trivial one: my feet don't hurt. When you're a big girl, your feet hurt nearly all the time. Now they don't.

• I don't try as hard. I don't feel the need to wear make-up and high heels all the time. I love make-up sometimes and love dressing up too but, now when I dress up I know it's because I want to, not because I would feel miserable being seen in public without my armour of make-up and "flattering" clothes. The same thing applies to my socialising. I used to make a lot of the running socially. Arranging things and keeping in touch with people. Now, while I'm willing to take on my share of the social "duties", I don't do more than my share. If I don''t feel like going out, I don't (unless there is a genuine obligation and it would hurt someone etc). I trust that people enjoy my company for me rather than having to make the running and somehow "earn" the right to be popular. (Truly, fatness is a debilitating condition.) I'm more willing to say no and set limits than I used to be and less likely to hunger after popularity and approval.
  
  
• Are you ready for a trivial one? Tights. If I have to wear them (ie.during the depths of winter) they're not too bad. They don't automatically ladder when stretched over massive thighs and then rub during the day. If they do ladder, I can nip out and buy another pair in a local shop, I don't have to have several back up pairs of fat girl tights in every location because I can't fit into normal sizes. And, best of all, the minute it even looks vaguely like spring, I can discard them confident that the tops of my legs will not rub and chafe and blobs of cottage-cheesy flab will not adorn each chubby knee. Okay, my legs will never be slim (they just won't - I would have to be skeletal everywhere on my body and gaunt in the face for my legs even to approach slim) but they're not bad now and tights are not the angst-ridden works of Satan that they used to be in my fat girl incarnation.
  
  
• Reality. I think I recognise the concept a little now. I know now that life will not magically become perfect once I lose weight. I did that and it didn't. But I also know that I can make it better through my own efforts. As a fat woman I dreamt of escape and frequently did escape from real life. I read loads, often sitting for hours on the sofa reading pulp fiction about other people living wonderful lives. Now I read a bit but don't use books to escape from real life. I read for pleasure, relaxation and information. I think more about what I read and sometimes even apply it. If something is wrong with my life, I face up to it (eventually - hey - I'm a work in progress here) and try to do something about the problem. I don't read yet another novel about some woman changing her life and then marrying Mr Right. I don't dream about a magical weight loss surgery which would slice hanks of fat from my thighs without leaving a scar and instantly render me gorgeous. Or a terrible tropical virus which first puts me in a coma and then wastes the fat from my frame until I'm eventually saved and emerge a slyphlike size 10. Oh yes, I did used to dream. Now life is generally better than the dreams and there's fun to be had away from the sofa.
  
  
• Your final trivial example - speed. It was raining today when I left the supermarket. I was carrying 2 bags of shopping and wearing work shoes but no coat or umbrella. So I just speed-walked back to the office so as not to get too soaked. On my way back I overtook 2 of my colleagues, pretty large ladies both. They were toiling back at a steady, weary pace and getting wet. Speeding up was not an option for them but it was for me.

Anyway, there are bound to be loads more but that's enough to be getting on with. Thanks Claire for making me think; I've really enjoyed the process....perhaps I should do it more often!