In my optimistic world, I hoped that this place would be my safe place to explore my side of the story. After all, that is what a blog is, one person's diary, not an attempt to tell the unbiased truth from all sides (which would be impossible in any event). Unfortunately that has not proved to be the case. I suppose these times are hard on everyone and I should have been more pessimistic.
So, comments are now moderated and I'll be self-censoring until I decide what to do, whether to go private or set up another blog or just disappear.
Sorry to everyone who used to enjoy this blog for the weight and food chat, the photos and dogs and the snippets about my dull country life - I now apparently live in a soap opera - I had hoped it would be like a Joanna Trollope novel but it is turning out more like Shameless.....sigh..... I hope one day to return to a happy country life with dogs and events, football and golf, weight and exercise woes and triumphs.
PS, I typed a lovely post earlier about ballroom dancing last night - won't post it just yet but it was fab, we loved it!!
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Monday, 20 September 2010
Longstanding food issues
One thing that was very apparent to me while I was back with D for those 2 weeks of trying to reconcile was my desperate need to eat for emotional reasons! I have felt that urge before but never as strongly or as clearly.
After the first few days when I was crying nearly all the time and couldn't eat (and lost 2-3 lbs) I became ravenous. I would find myself standing in the kitchen thinking about what I could eat. It felt as though I had a physical pain or hole in my chest and only food could subdue it. I have heard emotional eating described in these terms but never experienced it as starkly myself. I bought biscuits and cakes and ate round after round of toast; we went out for posh meals and ate out several times and, inevitably, I gained 5 or 6lbs in 2 weeks!
Then, when I decided that nothing would be served by staying and trying to reconcile, I stopped eating. Well no, I didn't stop eating as such. I just stopped that sort of eating. I went back to what I had started to do over the last few months - "normal" eating!! It felt so easy. I eat when I'm hungry and pretty much what I feel like and I stop when I'm not hungry. My weight has since gently decreased so I'm now back down to 13 stone 7 and falling...
This must tell me something - perhaps that a lot of my past food issues have been to do with the fact that I've been in the wrong relationship. I didn't feel accepted so I ate for comfort even though I didn't recognise that that's what I was doing. As soon as I felt loved and accepted for who I am, I lost that fear of food and the corresponding need for it.
That's not to say that I can relax totally on the food front. This last weekend has shown me that. Rich and I had a really good weekend but a very busy one. And, as I'm currenty staying with friends so don't have a stocked kitchen to fall back on, we did a lot of grabbing food on the run and eating out. So - fish and chips after golf on Friday; a restaurant curry on Saturday and a full English breakfast on Sunday as well as a few beers, wines and some cider!!! Perhaps not the virtuous weekend of moderation one might hope for?
But no harm has been done. I played golf on Friday, went for an hour and a quarter's hilly run on Saturday followed by an afternoon painting a shop and a walk on Sunday. And this morning I'm straight back to my normal healthy eating - muesli, sushi, fruit etc.
And the joy of playing golf with your boyfriend (and his brother), sharing a couple of early evening drinks in the club then picking up fish and chips and having a quiet night in!! I know this is what nearly everyone I know does (well, not the golf obviously) but for me it was just heaven. Not worrying about eating fish and chips in front of him, not bargaining with myself about having to work them off, not feeling judged. Yeah, heaven.
It also helped the next morning as, instead of feeling that I HAD to go for the run and resenting it, I was actively looking forward to going out running and ended up going much further and higher than I'd planned because I was enjoying the run for its own sake not as a means to an end. Hopefully this means that I'll gradually lose another stone or so over the next few months but, if I don't, I know I'm happy (and fit and healthy) as I am and Rich is happy too.
In other news, we're really looking forward to our first dancing lesson this evening - ballroom and latin at Darren and Lilya off Strictly's dance studio in Sheffield - can't quite believe it to be honest. There may be photos one day but not until we're halfway decent!!
After the first few days when I was crying nearly all the time and couldn't eat (and lost 2-3 lbs) I became ravenous. I would find myself standing in the kitchen thinking about what I could eat. It felt as though I had a physical pain or hole in my chest and only food could subdue it. I have heard emotional eating described in these terms but never experienced it as starkly myself. I bought biscuits and cakes and ate round after round of toast; we went out for posh meals and ate out several times and, inevitably, I gained 5 or 6lbs in 2 weeks!
Then, when I decided that nothing would be served by staying and trying to reconcile, I stopped eating. Well no, I didn't stop eating as such. I just stopped that sort of eating. I went back to what I had started to do over the last few months - "normal" eating!! It felt so easy. I eat when I'm hungry and pretty much what I feel like and I stop when I'm not hungry. My weight has since gently decreased so I'm now back down to 13 stone 7 and falling...
This must tell me something - perhaps that a lot of my past food issues have been to do with the fact that I've been in the wrong relationship. I didn't feel accepted so I ate for comfort even though I didn't recognise that that's what I was doing. As soon as I felt loved and accepted for who I am, I lost that fear of food and the corresponding need for it.
That's not to say that I can relax totally on the food front. This last weekend has shown me that. Rich and I had a really good weekend but a very busy one. And, as I'm currenty staying with friends so don't have a stocked kitchen to fall back on, we did a lot of grabbing food on the run and eating out. So - fish and chips after golf on Friday; a restaurant curry on Saturday and a full English breakfast on Sunday as well as a few beers, wines and some cider!!! Perhaps not the virtuous weekend of moderation one might hope for?
But no harm has been done. I played golf on Friday, went for an hour and a quarter's hilly run on Saturday followed by an afternoon painting a shop and a walk on Sunday. And this morning I'm straight back to my normal healthy eating - muesli, sushi, fruit etc.
And the joy of playing golf with your boyfriend (and his brother), sharing a couple of early evening drinks in the club then picking up fish and chips and having a quiet night in!! I know this is what nearly everyone I know does (well, not the golf obviously) but for me it was just heaven. Not worrying about eating fish and chips in front of him, not bargaining with myself about having to work them off, not feeling judged. Yeah, heaven.
It also helped the next morning as, instead of feeling that I HAD to go for the run and resenting it, I was actively looking forward to going out running and ended up going much further and higher than I'd planned because I was enjoying the run for its own sake not as a means to an end. Hopefully this means that I'll gradually lose another stone or so over the next few months but, if I don't, I know I'm happy (and fit and healthy) as I am and Rich is happy too.
In other news, we're really looking forward to our first dancing lesson this evening - ballroom and latin at Darren and Lilya off Strictly's dance studio in Sheffield - can't quite believe it to be honest. There may be photos one day but not until we're halfway decent!!
Sunday, 19 September 2010
Full Disclosure
Well, you know that me and D have split up and those of you with whom I'm in email contact know that I've been seeing someone else both before I left D and now. I don't know why I didn't mention him in the blog once D knew about him. Not out of shame for sure as this blog is my arena which I'm happy to share but which, for me, has primarily always been a place to explore and record how I'm feeling. While it's great to have "met" so many great people, I know that not everyone will agree with everything you do so I'm happy to accept the love and support you get from a blog and skirt around the occasional brickbat.
But it didn't feel right writing only half the story either.
So, I've been seeing Richard (Rich, Tatts) for the last few months since March. It started (as these things do) as a fling which made me feel good about myself while I was in a pretty bad place. Not big, not clever... Then it rapidly developed into something more. I developed the habit of writing emails to myself about our relationship as I couldn't talk about it to anyone and, looking back over these, I can see that I fell for him (and he for me I thought) very quickly. He made (makes..) me feel special, valuable, attractive, like I matter. Now, I know that that is what affairs do - that they're not "real" etc etc but what I took from it was the strength to think about a new life and what was important to me. The confidence that, if he valued me, so would others and that I didn't need to stay where I was, apparently unvalued and unloved but secure and financially stable!
Going back to the stuff I learned on the TV show, my chimp had been very insecure and desperate to hold onto D because that is how female chimps are programmed. The fact of Rich showed me something different - that I could be fine on my own (ironically!). It took away my fear and allowed me to focus on what I want out of life.
After various chapters of to-ing and fro-ing, I've left D and we're starting on the divorce merry-go-round and I've gone back to Rich after a brief hiatus. It's weird, to be able to be so happy and excited on the one hand and so sad and worried on the other. It's terrible seeing D unhappy and knowing that I am responsible. It's terrible feeling scared about money and jobs and knowing that my safety net has gone. But it's great to feel that I'm taking responsibilty for myself for a change. It's great that I have potential now. And it's great that I'm so excited about the future.
And it's fun with Rich - I want to gush and be in love, but because of how and when it happened I have to be more circumspect. We're well suited though - he sits next to me at the football and has done for the last 13 years (throughout that time, absolutely not a flicker between us - weird!); he plays golf so we often play together; he likes hillwalking and we've had some brilliant day long hikes with the dogs; he likes staying in watching films or rubbish TV with me and a glass of wine; he revealed over the weekend that he wants to learn to dance (proper ballroom stuff) so we're starting dance classes together next week!!!; we can go out or stay in and we so often suggest the same things to each other or text each other at the same times that it's getting spooky. He's 42 and single with no kids....phew, no more complications than the ones I have created!!
So, that's why I'm so excited (and conflicted). I'm trying to take it slowly and not rush into anything while going through the trauma with D. Mutual friends are going to be a problem. In a small village and valley like this one EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING. I'm trying to lie low and not be confrontational which leaves D out there telling everyone what a cow I am!! Still, I can't deny that I was the unfaithful one and many people will condemn me for that, fairly too. But, I can't ignore the last 10 years and I can't ignore how I feel now.
So, there you have it. Not comprehensive as there are too many nuances for that but as warts and all as I can manage....
But it didn't feel right writing only half the story either.
So, I've been seeing Richard (Rich, Tatts) for the last few months since March. It started (as these things do) as a fling which made me feel good about myself while I was in a pretty bad place. Not big, not clever... Then it rapidly developed into something more. I developed the habit of writing emails to myself about our relationship as I couldn't talk about it to anyone and, looking back over these, I can see that I fell for him (and he for me I thought) very quickly. He made (makes..) me feel special, valuable, attractive, like I matter. Now, I know that that is what affairs do - that they're not "real" etc etc but what I took from it was the strength to think about a new life and what was important to me. The confidence that, if he valued me, so would others and that I didn't need to stay where I was, apparently unvalued and unloved but secure and financially stable!
Going back to the stuff I learned on the TV show, my chimp had been very insecure and desperate to hold onto D because that is how female chimps are programmed. The fact of Rich showed me something different - that I could be fine on my own (ironically!). It took away my fear and allowed me to focus on what I want out of life.
After various chapters of to-ing and fro-ing, I've left D and we're starting on the divorce merry-go-round and I've gone back to Rich after a brief hiatus. It's weird, to be able to be so happy and excited on the one hand and so sad and worried on the other. It's terrible seeing D unhappy and knowing that I am responsible. It's terrible feeling scared about money and jobs and knowing that my safety net has gone. But it's great to feel that I'm taking responsibilty for myself for a change. It's great that I have potential now. And it's great that I'm so excited about the future.
And it's fun with Rich - I want to gush and be in love, but because of how and when it happened I have to be more circumspect. We're well suited though - he sits next to me at the football and has done for the last 13 years (throughout that time, absolutely not a flicker between us - weird!); he plays golf so we often play together; he likes hillwalking and we've had some brilliant day long hikes with the dogs; he likes staying in watching films or rubbish TV with me and a glass of wine; he revealed over the weekend that he wants to learn to dance (proper ballroom stuff) so we're starting dance classes together next week!!!; we can go out or stay in and we so often suggest the same things to each other or text each other at the same times that it's getting spooky. He's 42 and single with no kids....phew, no more complications than the ones I have created!!
So, that's why I'm so excited (and conflicted). I'm trying to take it slowly and not rush into anything while going through the trauma with D. Mutual friends are going to be a problem. In a small village and valley like this one EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING. I'm trying to lie low and not be confrontational which leaves D out there telling everyone what a cow I am!! Still, I can't deny that I was the unfaithful one and many people will condemn me for that, fairly too. But, I can't ignore the last 10 years and I can't ignore how I feel now.
So, there you have it. Not comprehensive as there are too many nuances for that but as warts and all as I can manage....
Friday, 10 September 2010
All change please!!
Well, the attempted reconciliation lasted a mere 2 weeks. For me it felt wrong from the start and I couldn't keep it up. Feel terribly sad that a 22 year relationship has gone down the swanee; awful that I've hurt D who I still love and care for, just not in that way but convinced that I've made the right decision for me and excited about the future, whatever it holds.
when I went back, it didn't feel like the right decision, right from the start and I just felt I would have been flogging a dead horse and probably hurting D even more.
Anyway, am at lovely kind friends at the moment but have found a sweet cottage to rent (near where you and Mr L stayed that time in Bradwell Mrs L if you're reading this!!). It's newly refurbished so clean and nice but unfurnished so will need a bit of work to get me in!!
Weight and exercise not been a problem - eat healthily and exercise in moderation!! Amazing! Weight still in the same zone as it has been since March, currently 13 stone 8. Went swimming today, training on Tuesday, golfing Wednesday and walks planned over the weekend.
I can't quite believe it - thought I would have succumbed to comfort eating by now at least! How much better an excuse does one get??!
when I went back, it didn't feel like the right decision, right from the start and I just felt I would have been flogging a dead horse and probably hurting D even more.
Anyway, am at lovely kind friends at the moment but have found a sweet cottage to rent (near where you and Mr L stayed that time in Bradwell Mrs L if you're reading this!!). It's newly refurbished so clean and nice but unfurnished so will need a bit of work to get me in!!
Weight and exercise not been a problem - eat healthily and exercise in moderation!! Amazing! Weight still in the same zone as it has been since March, currently 13 stone 8. Went swimming today, training on Tuesday, golfing Wednesday and walks planned over the weekend.
I can't quite believe it - thought I would have succumbed to comfort eating by now at least! How much better an excuse does one get??!
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