Long time no see

I'm sorry peeps, it's been a long time since I neglected my blog for such a lengthy period. And when I potentially have interesting things to say too!!

Well, it's difficult to know what to say at the moment. Partly because I know that D reads this blog so I'm having to self-censor for all concerned and partly because weight loss and exercise are not my primary concern at the moment.

So, let's ignore that and go back to basics and think about why I started the weight loss journey in the first place.

It was a long time coming. I have been dieting and exercising for as long as I can remember. I remember being mortified by being weighed in our swimming class at school at the beginning of each term and inevitably being one of the heaviest girls there. Especially when the (somewhat hefty) gym teacher called out your weight to be written down and everyone asked everyone else what their "score" was! I remember trying to cut back in a very general way even way back then.

What strikes me about that is - if they're going to humiliate you about your weight, presumably there was a reason for it? If so, what reason? If I was overweight, why did no-one talk to me about it?? Maybe suggest ways of cutting back or modifying what I ate, a food diary.... Maybe my 13 year old self might have learned something rather than just associating scales with doooooom! If I wasn't overweight, why didn't they reassure me and not leaving me think that, because I was heavier than my pals, I was unhealthy leading to yo-yo diets and shame?

Hmmmm

So, cue years of diets and fads, eating, drinking, seeking approval and hiding in food and behind my personality.

Eventually I find an answer (to the weight anyway) in Lighter Life. A regime that I can buy into whole heartedly which appears to magically "solve" my weight problem. I seize this and lose 9 stone!! I'll say that again - 9 bloody stone!!

It is magic. I am slim and attractive and I learn how sweet life can taste without food or booze (not that alcohol has ever been my problem, just another source of empty calories and an occasional distraction).

But I haven't really learned anything about me and how to properly love myself. I'm still scared of lots and lots of things - not being good at my job; losing my relationship; people not liking me; what people think.

Some of the weight starts to come back on and some of my old habits reappear. The arguments come back between D and I and my confidence dips but is joined by belligerence and dismay. I struggle on and slow the gain, even reverse it on occasion.

Then, out of the blue courtesy of Mrs Lard, an opportunity to really learn what is going on in my head lands in my lap. I have to go on TV in lycra to access it but hey, who cares eh? Well, D for one but that's not the worst thing.

I take the opportunity and I learn a LOT. It is not perfect, to really get to grips with such therapy one would have to have years I suppose. But the theory blows me away and helps me make sense of my history. I start to see through my hiding strategies, my self-justifications and my pain. I start to see that it is not normal to let yourself be put down and to feel as though everything is your fault. You lose some weight, not as much as you'd ideally like but enough to get back in control. You learn how to live in balance with food and exercise and how to regain that balance when it goes missing from time to time.

(hey this is of course a work in progress so I'm not saying it's a job done or anything, just that I have learned a lot....)

Then you have to look at the rest of your life. You have to decide whether to make the big change that seems to be demanded. Or to battle and battle to change from within. Do you jump or fight? What would be more true to yourself and your other half? (And why am I suddenly writing in the third person...? Oh yes, to keep my distance from the issues I'm talking about dummy!!)

And I just don't knoooow. I'm crying so hard now 'cos it's all so big and there doesn't seem to be a right answer and I'm scared of either answer. But tears are not the answer, they are just my chimp giving me the option of emotion and flight.....I have to face up this time and really put my mind where my mouth has been.

So, that's why I haven't posted recently. 'Cos when I get going I don't know when to stop.

Fresh start

Well, we've decided to make a go of it and are trying to recapture what we'd lost. Which is proving much better than I thought it would be. We've had some nice evenings out and we've got one weekend left before D goes back to the rig which is also our village's carnival weekend too.

Trouble is, my complacency about being control of my food and eating is under pressure. I'm still holding onto the 3 lbs loss at 13 stone 7 but feel some treat type eating creeping in and also failed to go swimming this lunchtime!

Not major problems but I'm watching myself like a hawk at the moment because I think that, when you're under pressure, it's easier to lapse. Still getting on the scales every morning though which is a plus.

In other news, I played golf on Wednesday morning. Played like a Goddess!! 8 under par and won the competition. While it's great to play so well, it also means that my handicap goes down by 2 shots. In theory that's great but it will make it harder to play to my handicap next time I play when not in Goddess mode!! Ach well, I did say at the start of the season that I was aiming to bring my handicap down to below 18 and it's now 19 but very close to 18....

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Stability

Fortunately my Misery Diet has stabilised into the Just About Alright Regime. I remain 13 stone and 7lbs and me and D are working our way through our torrid time. Still a way to go but we are being grown up and cooperative and life is surprisingly pleasant despite our woes. Thanks for your comments in support peeps!

I'm just really pleased that my whole attitude to food seems to have changed. Whereas before I might have hidden in inactivity and comforted myself with food and maybe drink, I have not been at all tempted to overeat or drink and have not given up on exercise at all, quite the reverse in fact. I've been swimming, training, running, golfing and dog walking. I've eaten sensibly and I've kept my few lbs off.

And the other thing is the mental side of what I learned on the TV show last year. I'm facing up to stuff and I'm really concentrating on what is the right thing for me (while trying to be mindful of D's concerns as well) without letting my chimp's fear and insecurity take over. I have frequently said to myself over the last few days "I can choose my mood". I don't have to accept the mood option presented to me by my chimp, I'm a rational grown up.

So, thank you Dr Steve Peters - life has improved a lot as a result of what you taught me last year.

Misery diet

Thanks for the lovely comments about my dress for the wedding!! Those 2 "invisible" lbs are toast along with one of their buddies. I'm down to 13 stone 7lbs this morning, my lowest for nearly a year.

It helps the weight loss that I can't eat 'cos I'm so upset and sad. Me and my husband are having a horrible time which might well prove to be terminal for us. We're trying to find a way forward at the moment but in the meantime, not eating is suiting me very well. (Note deep irony).

I'm sure whatever happens will happen for the best but it's going to be a long road through. Lets hope the Misery Diet doesn't give way to the Food is Your Only Friend Diet!! I'm okay for now though, don't worry about me.

Scores on the doors

A few snaps from a wedding I went to a couple of weekends ago between my pal Mini (used to be my personal trainer many moons ago before the lovely Huw!) and his gorgeous and very slender wife, Kate. The reception was at Nostell Priory near Wakefield - very posh!!

The woman in the paler blue dress is Stacey (the one who broke her back recently). You wouldn't have known it from the way she and I were dancing!! We went mad - hurling ourselves round the floor - was brilliant, very life-affirming or summat!

So, I'm sure you're all agog to find out how bad my World Cup debauchery turned out to be?? Me too, although not exactly eager you understand.



So, I duly stepped on the scales Monday morning, telling myself that it was going to be baaaaaad news and that "Knowledge is Power" etc etc And then saw that I had only put on 2lbs!! Couldn't believe it. I have not totally given up on exercise by any means, still been to personal training twice a week and played loads of golf and done lots of dog walking. But I have not been swimming, running, to the gym or out on my mountain bike!



And, on top of that, I've been eating pretty much what I want including cappucinos most mornings, the odd biscuit or cakes at work, takeaways after football, wine and beers at home while watching games, copious amounts of cider while in town watching the England games etc etc

But, only 2 lbs gained. It feels as though I have LOST 2lbs I'm so pleased with that. What it tells me is that I can, for limited periods, just forget about food. Although I have been off-piste, I haven't gone mad or overeaten badly. I've just relaxed for a few weeks and then reined it in.

So, this week has been good for exercise so far. Swimming on Monday and Tuesday, long walk Monday evening and golf this morning. My personal trainer is back tomorrow morning and I'm playing golf again on Friday. Foodwise I've been fine, lots of sushi and salad and fewer treats and one of the 2 lbs has gone already.

So, I'm lucky but also pleased that I seem to have REALLY changed my behaviour longterm.

One warning note though was that on my final weekend before getting on the scales, I felt a bit empty emotionally. You know, a little sad and worried and I also found myself eating to fill that hole. I noticed this because I had not done it for so long. I stopped it but the urge to eat for emotional reasons is still there, weaker and less frequent but still there!!

I need to address the emotional reasons too but that is a tale for another day..... Not really sad now, pleased with myself if anything but all is not quite right with me, just need to work out how to put it right.

'Fessing up

This World Cup has been ruinous for my routine - ruinous I tell you!! I have just been immersed in football - mostly at home and then in town for the big England games (which involved many bottles of Magners of Bulmers each time). It's been great.

But it has meant that I have just switched off the rest of my life. My house, garden, friends, diet and exercise regimes and pretty much everything else have been sidelined and given the bare minimum of attention.

And I've just LOVED it!! Usually D is home for the World Cup so I have to pretend not to be really into it. But I am and this time he was away so there was no reason not to indulge.

The only other thing keeping my attention has been golf. After 2 summers off, I'm back baby and I'm loving it too.

But, but but but, there's always one of those. I can't let this fun few weeks ruin all my hard work. And I can feel my waistline start to tug a little against my clothes. Not a lot but definitely a little.

There has been no stepping on the scales every morning. But that will change tomorrow morning. Knowledge is Power as Mrs Lard used to say and I need the power, I need it baaaaad. D is home now and there's only a few games left so I will be back running, swimming, golfing, walking and making good choices. I feel ready now.

For the record, I haven't totally given up - still played golf 2 or 3 times a week, went training twice a week and took the dogs out for walks etc. So the damage has not been great but I need to get back to what was working for me.

So, you'll be hearing from me. Hope you've all been good - I'll be checking in to your blogs soon - promise!!